NaBloPoMo #20: Are those really my keywords?

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The Weight of Keywords

Blogger has a handy, but hardly accurate, little stat counter. Like most stat counters, it's only useful for trending: which posts are viewed most often, how many pages are viewed in a day, and how people find the site. One way to do the latter is through keyword searches, usually through Google. Let's say somebody searches for "lick a vagina cupcake" on Google, gets my blog as a list of potential sources of information on vagina cupcake-licking, and decides to click into my blog. I see on my stat counter that someone came to the post about decorating a vagina cupcake by using that keyword search.

A lot of the keywords are funny. For example, a surprising number of people want to know what to do with men's junk in bike shorts. People, this is a problem! In fact, so many men share this concern, I'm considering doing some research myself so I can write an informative post on how to tuck the junk.

I also get lots of searches for various dildos:

• unusual dildos (x 100)
• makeshift dildo walmart (I'd start in the produce section)
• cold hot dildo metal (tell it to the brothers Grimm; I don't want to know)
• dildo porn kilts (I love a man in a kilt, but this one has me stymied. I wouldn't want to reach up "there" and find a dildo)
• dildos you can buy at walmart (use it to poke out your mind’s eye after you see those People of Walmart buying cheap Chinese dildos)
• for a day dildo (just wash it before you bring it back to Rent-a-Dildo, mmm-kay?)

I also get lots of keyword phrases with the word "vagina" in them. I don't know why really, but here's a sample:

• tucked up inside vaginas (this one seems incomplete to me. What is tucked up inside? An umbrella? A handkerchief? Extra quarters for the parking meter? I know it's not a cookie, but read on. It might be a cupcake.)
• i wanna date a vagina (maybe I could start a dating site for vaginas to hook up)
• lick vagina (x 100, this one. Again, maybe I need to post a tutorial---no, I'm sure a tutorial would be useful. From what I've experienced heard, some people could use instruction on how to give a chinchilla a cookie.)
• is it advisable to lick d vagina (only after you aks d ownah firs')
• how to keep my vagina rejuvinated? (hey! .... nevermind ....  that was my keyword search)
• i shoved a cupcake in my pussy (that was probably easier than getting it out again. Try a cookie next time.)
• i'm celibate talent out of vagina (maybe an English teacher checking for plagiarism, this one. Sounds like syntax I might read in a student's paper.)
• squid inside vagina story (someone was probably disappointed to find out Squildo is a dildo, not a squid)
• squid dick missile (only assuming this one was aiming for a vagina?) 

 Another popular topic is the Sybian, which does not surprise me a bit. One searcher was obviously looking for another site with this one: "me trying out a sybian blog." (Wait! A whole blog on just trying a Sybian? Once you’ve tried it, isn’t the trying over? After that it’s just a “me sitting on a Sybian” blog, right? Hmmm. I wonder if they'd comp me one if I blogged about it.....).

And then there's the Silk 'n Sensipil and Epilady searches, like the one for "silk 'n nipples" and "epilady testicles." (I want to put a warning out there: don't get an Epilady close to the boys, men. It will rip them out by the roots. Trust me on this.)

And there are random searches like hippie farm sluts, gay nipple torture blogspot, when did men discover the clitoris (that’s like saying Columbus discovered America or the Christians found Jesus), date had an impressive penis (I didn't write about that. I would love to, but I'm so much more discrete than that I didn't.)

Lately I've seen a lot of searches that have to do with  standing naked in front of a classroom. I want to poke out my mind's eye whenever this one comes up, and it's often--like daily often. Is this a fantasy or a nightmare for people? And about moms standing naked, often in front of windows. Again, fantasy or nightmare? For some reason "mom nude in front of window" comes shows up a lot, as does "naked middle aged mom." More on that in a minute.

In the past few weeks I've seen a bunch of searches about masturbation -- because I said I wouldn't talk about that -- like this one: why is masterbation never talked about (because I can’t talk when I'm  uh huh...uh huh ..... ahhh….ahhhh. ….aaaaahhhhhhhhh. What did you say?). Or this one: alone again naturally masterbation reference (or maybe just alone again because you're masturbating again? Naturally. And you can't spell.)

Most of these keywords make me laugh, and then my muse, Dolores, and I have fun thinking up responses. Some of them aren't so funny. Like an uncomfortable number that are about masturbating with someone who "starts with an m and ends with an m." And see, that's when we who have given birth say, "Stop that right now or you'll go blind .... and you'll fucking deserve it!"

On some rare occasions, one will come up that's so disturbing I wouldn't speak it aloud to my closest friends. I definitely wouldn't put those words together in one post. Those most often have to do with young people, innocent people. Those really piss me off.

Today one showed up that made me so sick, I can't even look at my stats. It will roll away eventually. But the image the words brought to my mind won't go away. In fact, I've felt sick to my stomach all afternoon, since I saw that combination of words on my screen. A combination of words bad enough I would love to be able to find out who did that search and report it to a former friend and police detective who is a pervert hunter. Or find the piece of shit myself and .... well, listen I strive to be a nonviolent person. I do. But I can kill an animal for food. And there are perverts out there I could probably dispatch the same way. Yes, that's how bad this keyword search was. And I can't get it out of my mind. It's haunting me.

In case it's not apparent from what I've written here, I'm not shocked by much. I was a social worker in a former life, a counselor at a women's resource center. I counseled survivors of spousal abuse, rape, child sexual assault, incest. I've heard lots of stories, both then and since then. The depths of human depravity rarely surprise me. Obviously I'm not immune yet though, because I've struggled this afternoon to get this one away from me. It hit way too close to home.

I know an argument can be made that I get the keyword searches I get because of what I write about here sometimes. Fair enough. Although in my defense, I'd have to respond that what I write is not pornographic, nor is it particularly provocative, at least not in a way that's meant to cause the blood to rush to the lower regions. (Unless, however, you really are turned on by the idea of naked, middle-aged, g-ma teacher types like me, and then you should definitely let me know so I can ..... well, to be honest I'd think you were mocking me. Nevermind.)

In any case, my interest in sex has been with me as long as I can remember. I was the first-grader who spied on my parents and re-told my dad's dirty jokes at recess. I was the one who told all my girlfriends that a guy sticks his thing in a woman's [something we didn't have a name for] and pees in her when they have sex. I was the 8-year-old  who sneaked off with her uncle's Playboy joke book to try to figure out how a grown, naked woman would fit into a martini glass. Sex is just fascinating to me, but I kind of dread the keywords I'm going to see now that I've put this combination of words in a post .... and yet I refuse to censor myself just yet. Some of them will inevitably be hilarious.

But I don't want perverts here -- and when I use that word I'm talking about the searches I won't copy here. I don't want pervs seeing my words. I doubt most of them stay more than a second, just long enough to see that this isn't a porn site, but I don't want them to dirty my blog. No, I can't do anything about it. Keyword searches are random information* that I'm sure some bloggers use to their benefit, but I'm just not that sophisticated, so to me, they're just interesting.

I'm going to go to Scrooge rehearsal tonight and forget all about that horrible little group of words I saw this afternoon. Eventually it will fade away, both from my stat counter and from my mind.  Sooner rather than later, I hope.

In the meantime, I need to think some more about that Sybian blog. Hmmmm.

* Somewhat random. I could see what city that search comes from using a more powerful stat counter.

Keyword Monday: The Dungeon

I’m so intrigued by some of the keywords people follow to arrive at my blog, I’ve decided to write a weekly post based on the most interesting keyword(s) from the past week. I figure a Google search is a plea for help, and if a googler is sent to my blog, I would be serving a worthy educational purpose if I had written something relevant about the subject. It’s a public service of sorts, and given some of the topics I’ve written about this summer, I think I owe it to the googlers to give them their money’s worth.

The long list of choices included the following possibilities: bike shorts 'position junk,' cheesecake dildo riding, frosting vagina, virgin tries sybian saddle, and cow butt. But the lucky winner found my blog this week by googling the these keywords: “what is going to happen to me when i go to the torture dungeon.”

Well, now. I don’t really remember writing anything that would bring a tenderfoot subbie here to Reticulated Writer. I mean nipples and pasties and vaginas, sure, but torture dungeons? I think I’d remember that. I followed the trail back to learn that Google pulled words from two of my posts, one about getting a mammogram and the other about a little boy whose daddy told him he was a bad boy, and sent the poor, anxious subbie to my blog. Probably not the information she* was looking for. Nothing about nipple clamps or Boy Scout knots or even whips....yet.

I’m hardly an expert on torture dungeons, but after listening to an interview on NPR with Melissa Febos, I did read her memoir Whipsmart to learn how she put herself through Sarah Lawrence and supported a heroin habit by working in a NYC dungeon as a dominatrix. Since I somehow combined words that led a neophyte submissive to my blog, I feel a certain responsibility to respond with whatever bullshit wisdom I can about how the submissive dungeon experience might compare more favorably to situations that cause real-life pain and humiliation, an encouraging and uplifting post to ease those torture dungeon anxieties. Here is my answer to the googler’s question: “what is going to happen to me when i go to the torture dungeon.”

First, take all necessary precautions** to ensure your personal safety in the dungeon. Seriously. I’ve heard people can get hurt in places like that, so listen to the professionals. My advice focuses more on the emotional and social aspects of the dungeon experience and how it compares to real life. This is important so pay attention. You may answer, “Yes, ma’am” …. That wasn’t good enough. Try it again. Better. Lower your eyes…..As soon as you are on your knees, we can continue.

What happens in the dungeon is a game. It’s theater. You know someone is going to humiliate you, order you around, cause you physical pain, maybe all three if you’re lucky, but your dom doesn’t really mean any of it. It's not about you personally, but about your experience there. In fact, your dom  gets paid enough cares enough about you to provide this piece of theater to serve your needs, and will maybe even wear sexy black leather while doing it. This game, this play, is all for you. For example, you might want to lick your dom’s boots, but they aren’t really that dirty. Nevertheless, your dom will act like they are filthy…may in fact accuse you of getting them dirty and will then order you to lick them clean. That’s acting, and you will be happy because you want to lick her shiny boots and she lets makes you do it. Or you may want to be tied up tight with ropes and nipple clamps and a ball gag and….well, use your imagination. Whatever you want, your dom will do it only to the point that you don’t sustain permanent damage. You control the play. Listen, you may even be the type who wants to wear diapers. I can assure you nobody really wants so see you in diapers. Anybody who acts like you’re really a baby is….well, acting. You’re being quite silly and we all know it, but sometimes theater is silly. If that’s what you want, that’s what you get. You are the beloved of the dungeon, contrary to all outward appearances.

Real life isn’t a game nor does it take place on a stage. In real life, people who humiliate, manipulate, hurt and use you don’t let you know they’re coming. They may act like nice people at first or at times, but nobody, especially self-centered, selfish users, can keep that up forever. Once you’ve been played into their scam, you’re trapped, and it’s not for your pleasure. You aren’t walking into the situation willingly, and you won’t know the real person is only acting like she or he cares, so you won’t take the necessary precautions to protect yourself—like running as fast and as far as you can. Unfortunately, if you get caught in this play that’s not play, you probably won’t realize it’s happening until you’re trapped in a relationship that requires your continued humiliation and pain to continue. The stakes will be emotionally high, but only for you.

In real life, although there are people who might play with you because you’re so fun to play with and maybe you have cool toys or friends, and they might even act like they care about you just enough to keep you sufficiently happy, it’s not theater. You’ve got on a collar and leash sure, just like you might choose to in the dungeon, but it’s metaphorical and it’s staying on whether you like it or not. This is not about you at all. It’s about someone else’s selfish motivations and desires. You might be emotionally tied up for years—for life-- without even a “get out of jail free” card to end the game. Believe it or not, you are less likely to get hurt in the dungeon than you are in real life.

Because unlike real life, in the dungeon you will choose a safe word. You may use your safe word any time you don’t feel safe or you just want whatever is happening to end or change. As soon as you utter the word, the game will stop, and you can renegotiate or move on to something you’re more comfortable doing. For example, let’s say your bum is getting sore from so much spanking. Utter your safe word and the spanking will stop. Or let’s say your circulation is cut off from tight bindings. Ouch! Say your safe word and your dom will take care of you. It’s that simple. You are in control.

In real life, you don’t get a safe word. People, even those who act like they care about you, might be mean to you, and nothing you say or do will make them stop. You might use many safe, or even kind and conciliatory words, words that work with other people but mean people will continue to be cruel and unforgiving, often humiliating you in public and in private. Personally, I think a safe word for real life would be useful, but those who would use one probably aren’t suffering at the hands of those who would honor one. You’re safer in the dungeon. Don’t forget your safe word and you’ll have fun.

And finally, still on the topic of words, in the dungeon you can expect to hear words that are intended to humiliate you and shove you into your lowly place on the bottom. You may be told you’re worthless in many ways, unlovable, failing at being a human. You will have to work hard to earn praise from your dom. You might be sent to time out away from your dom as a punishment, to teach you a lesson. Your dom may also call you by possessive names that start with “my,” and pet names, like toy, pet, little boy or little girl or little friend, or any number of diminutive names that are intended to humiliate and control you, but your dom doesn’t really feel contempt for you. You have chosen to play this game.

In real life, people should not humiliate the people they claim to care about. They should not put other people in time out by being emotionally unavailable or withholding love to get their way or keep someone else under control. If they aren’t capable of love, I assure you they are capable of humiliation—yours. In real life, people should not use diminutive names as terms of endearment because....do I have to say it? Those funny little nicknames are intended to debase and belittle you. They aren’t cute or endearing; they show contempt. If you didn’t sign on for that, a trip to the dungeon would be less humiliating because you know it’s play there. A dom doesn’t mean it; people who do it in real life really do feel disdain for you--if they feel anything for you at all. Again, in the dungeon these issues are negotiated, expected, and stay in the dungeon when you leave. In real life….well, if you’re being subjected to these things in real life, you don’t need a dungeon. You’re already in one that goes everywhere you go, my little friend.

So there you have it: a short primer on what you can expect in the dungeon compared to something similar, but oh so wrong, you might experience in real life. When you realize how many sociopaths amateur doms there are out there playing games with nice, innocent people, the dungeon almost seems like a safer place to be, doesn’t it?

Go forth to the dungeon and have fun, little subbie. I wish you could report back and let us know how it all turns out....once you can sit comfortably at your computer again. 

*Or he. Pronouns are such an issue. Now I use she. Later I use he. Blogger’s choice. It’s up to you to keep up.

** I’m not an expert on torture dungeon preparedness. Lots of different games are played in a dungeon, so I recommend reading everything ever written by Dan Savage and following his advice to the letter.