Monday, December 5, 2011

The Weight of Keywords

Blogger has a handy, but hardly accurate, little stat counter. Like most stat counters, it's only useful for trending: which posts are viewed most often, how many pages are viewed in a day, and how people find the site. One way to do the latter is through keyword searches, usually through Google. Let's say somebody searches for "lick a vagina cupcake" on Google, gets my blog as a list of potential sources of information on vagina cupcake-licking, and decides to click into my blog. I see on my stat counter that someone came to the post about decorating a vagina cupcake by using that keyword search.

A lot of the keywords are funny. For example, a surprising number of people want to know w
hat to do with men's junk in bike shorts. People, this is a problem! In fact, so many men share this concern, I'm considering doing some research myself so I can write an informative post on how to tuck the junk.

I also get lots of searches for various dildos:
  • unusual dildos (x 100)
  • makeshift dildo walmart (I'd start in the produce section)
  • cold hot dildo metal (tell it to the brothers Grimm; I don't want to know)
  • dildo porn kilts (I love a man in a kilt, but this one has me stymied. I wouldn't want to reach up "there" and find a dildo)
  • dildos you can buy at walmart (use it to poke out your mind’s eye after you see those People of Walmart buying cheap Chinese dildos)
  • for a day dildo (just wash it before you bring it back to Rent-a-Dildo, mmm-kay?)
I also get lots of keyword phrases with the word "vagina" in them. I don't know why really, but here's a sample:
  • tucked up inside vaginas (this one seems incomplete to me. What is tucked up inside? An umbrella? A handkerchief? Extra quarters for the parking meter? I know it's not a cookie, but read on. It might be a cupcake.)
  • i wanna date a vagina (maybe I could start a dating site for vaginas to hook up)
  • lick vagina (x 100, this one. Again, maybe I need to post a tutorial---no, I'm sure a tutorial would be useful. From what I've experienced heard, some people could use instruction on how to give a chinchilla a cookie.)
  • is it advisable to lick d vagina (only after you aks d ownah firs')
  • how to keep my vagina rejuvinated? (hey! .... nevermind ....  that was my keyword search)
  • i shoved a cupcake in my pussy (that was probably easier than getting it out again. Try a cookie next time.)
  • i'm celibate talent out of vagina (maybe an English teacher checking for plagiarism, this one. Sounds like syntax I might read in a student's paper.)
  • squid inside vagina story (someone was probably disappointed to find out Squildo is a dildo, not a squid)
  • squid dick missile (only assuming this one was aiming for a vagina?) 
 Another popular topic is the Sybian, which does not surprise me a bit. One searcher was obviously looking for another site with this one: "me trying out a sybian blog." (Wait! A whole blog on just trying a Sybian? Once you’ve tried it, isn’t the trying over? After that it’s just a “me sitting on a Sybian” blog, right? Hmmm. I wonder if they'd comp me one if I blogged about it.....).

And then there's the Silk 'n Sensipil and Epilady searches, like the one for "silk 'n nipples" and "epilady testicles." (I want to put a warning out there: don't get an Epilady close to the boys, men. It will rip them out by the roots. Trust me on this.)

And there are random searches like hippie farm sluts, gay nipple torture blogspot, when did men discover the clitoris (that’s like saying Columbus discovered America or the Christians found Jesus), date had an impressive penis (I didn't write about that. I would love to, but I'm so much more discrete than that I didn't.)

Lately I've seen a lot of searches that have to do with  standing naked in front of a classroom. I want to poke out my mind's eye whenever this one comes up, and it's often--like daily often. Is this a fantasy or a nightmare for people? And about moms standing naked, often in front of windows. Again, fantasy or nightmare? For some reason "mom nude in front of window" comes shows up a lot, as does "naked middle aged mom." More on that in a minute.

In the past few weeks I've seen a bunch of searches about masturbation -- because I said I wouldn't talk about that -- like this one: why is masterbation never talked about (because I can’t talk when I'm  uh huh...uh huh ..... ahhh….ahhhh. ….aaaaahhhhhhhhh. What did you say?). Or this one: alone again naturally masterbation reference (or maybe just alone again because you're masturbating again? Naturally. And you can't spell.)

Most of these keywords make me laugh, and then my muse, Dolores, and I have fun thinking up responses. Some of them aren't so funny. Like an uncomfortable number that are about masturbating with someone who "starts with an m and ends with an m." And see, that's when we who have given birth say, "Stop that right now or you'll go blind .... and you'll fucking deserve it!"

On some rare occasions, one will come up that's so disturbing I wouldn't speak it aloud to my closest friends. I definitely wouldn't put those words together in one post. Those most often have to do with young people, innocent people. Those really piss me off.
Today one showed up that made me so sick, I can't even look at my stats. It will roll away eventually. But the image the words brought to my mind won't go away. In fact, I've felt sick to my stomach all afternoon, since I saw that combination of words on my screen. A combination of words bad enough I would love to be able to find out who did that search and report it to a former friend and police detective who is a pervert hunter. Or find the piece of shit myself and .... well, listen I strive to be a nonviolent person. I do. But I can kill an animal for food. And there are perverts out there I could probably dispatch the same way. Yes, that's how bad this keyword search was. And I can't get it out of my mind. It's haunting me.

In case it's not apparent from what I've written here, I'm not shocked by much. I was a social worker in a former life, a counselor at a women's resource center. I counseled survivors of spousal abuse, rape, child sexual assault, incest. I've heard lots of stories, both then and since then. The depths of human depravity rarely surprise me. Obviously I'm not immune yet though, because I've struggled this afternoon to get this one away from me. It hit way too close to home.

I know an argument can be made that I get the keyword searches I get because of what I write about here sometimes. Fair enough. Although in my defense, I'd have to respond that what I write is not pornographic, nor is it particularly provocative, at least not in a way that's meant to cause the blood to rush to the lower regions. (Unless, however, you really are turned on by the idea of naked, middle-aged, g-ma teacher types like me, and then you should definitely let me know so I can ..... well, to be honest I'd think you were mocking me. Nevermind.)

In any case, my interest in sex has been with me as long as I can remember. I was the first-grader who spied on my parents and re-told my dad's dirty jokes at recess. I was the one who told all my girlfriends that a guy sticks his thing in a woman's [something we didn't have a name for] and pees in her when they have sex. I was the 8-year-old  who sneaked off with her uncle's Playboy joke book to try to figure out how a grown, naked woman would fit into a martini glass. Sex is just fascinating to me, but I kind of dread the keywords I'm going to see now that I've put this combination of words in a post .... and yet I refuse to censor myself just yet. Some of them will inevitably be hilarious.

But I don't want perverts here -- and when I use that word I'm talking about the searches I won't copy here. I don't want pervs seeing my words. I doubt most of them stay more than a second, just long enough to see that this isn't a porn site, but I don't want them to dirty my blog. No, I can't do anything about it. Keyword searches are random information* that I'm sure some bloggers use to their benefit, but I'm just not that sophisticated, so to me, they're just interesting.

I'm going to go to Scrooge rehearsal tonight and forget all about that horrible little group of words I saw this afternoon. Eventually it will fade away, both from my stat counter and from my mind.  Sooner rather than later, I hope.

In the meantime, I need to think some more about that Sybian blog. Hmmmm.

* Somewhat random. I could see what city that search comes from using a more powerful stat counter.


  1. Some things just can't be unseen. This is why I carefully guard what I put before my eyes.

  2. Things like that eat at me. My writing is so important--sacred, even--to me, that it's sometimes difficult to reconcile it also being out in the big wide world where people read it. Even weird people and crazy people and bad people, and people who can use crazy search terms to reach me.

    Sometimes, things just do hit too close to home. I think that will always happen, no matter how much you've heard and how good you are at hearing it. Sending you loving energy tonight.

  3. Same here, Pleased. That's one reason I don't watch horror movies. I just can't un-see some things. I always told my kids that was one reason I didn't let them watch certain things when they were younger. Sometimes being careful isn't enough though.

  4. Thank you, AutoD. I guess there's a lesson there about not letting your words become too important. Writers who want to publish have to come to terms with that fact. Maybe it's a good thing I was an editor first.