Random thoughts on sex with pit bulls (Not safe for animal-lovers.)

You know how sometimes you'll see an article about a topic, and then you'll see another different article about the same topic, and you think, Hmmm. Maybe I should pay attention to this. And then you see it come up again, and you think, What the hell? Are that many people really fucking pit bulls? And if that many people are getting caught -- because some of them apparently think their backyard is the sexy spot -- how many people are doing it in the privacy of their own homes and nobody ever sees them? And why did I have to see these articles, because now I can't get these images out of my head?

I pay attention to patterns. It's a symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder a hobby of sorts. I'm actually kind of brilliant at it, but there are times when my attention to recurrences leaves me flabbergasted .... and wondering about people who have sex with pit bulls. Like this guy, who wouldn't stop even while his neighbors begged him to because they were so disturbed. Of course, they couldn't look away. Of course they couldn't. Somebody had to bear witness!

And this woman, who apparently had to explain that she was mentally ill ... because that wasn't obvious. And this guy, who got 15 years after his neighbor claimed she caught him twice. At least he wasn't doing it in the backyard, but 15 years? That's a harsher sentence than he would have gotten for raping his neighbor! What the fuck?

I neither appreciate nor do I understand why these pitbull fuckers keep coming (shut up) to my attention. Is this a thing? Is it only pit bulls? Why not poodles? Poodles are pretty. Or golden retrievers? Or old English sheepdogs? Why would a person choose a pit bull out of all the breeds he or she could mate with? Because this, to me, is not a face that says, "Rape me."

This face, in fact, says to me, "If you fuck with me, I will fuck you up. And I can fuck you up. So don't fuck with me, so I don't have to fuck you up." 

I'm not saying I approve of people having sex with pit bulls -- I'd say sex with any dog, but pit bulls seem to be the short-skirt-wearing breed that attracts the crazy fuckers. I don't approve of people having sex with dogs at all, although to be honest, I can't say why. Most of us just agree it's not a good thing to do. On the other hand, if that dog up there was as disturbed as crazy fucker #1's neighbors, crazy fucker #1 would be walking around without a dick, and that dog up there would be licking his lips and asking for dessert. The neighbors might not have been able to stop the guy, but we can be fairly certain the dog could have if it had chosen to.

This reminds me of a story my brother told me about a high school friend of his who was showing off and fucked a pig in front of his friends. Again, not a traditionally sexy animal, although plenty are available in Iowa. But more than that ... listen, forget any PETA-sponsored bullshit you've heard about how Wilbur is cute and cuddly and smarter than a dog. Spiders lie. Hogs are one of the dirtiest, meanest, most disgusting animals on the planet, and their only redeeming quality is bacon. If you don't believe me, you obviously haven't been around pigs enough.

My point is that no pig would stand still for something that caused it discomfort. They're skittish, short-tempered, and they have disproportionately large teeth that they know how to use. They eat their own babies, and they will eat yours too. Pigs can be far more dangerous to people than people are to them, given the chance.

But I'm not advocating that anybody put his penis in one. They're filthy, and we have social mores about crossing that line. We'll kill and eat them, but damn it, nobody ought to poke one. That's just wrong. (Unless the pig is a human dressed up as a pig, but I'll leave the furries alone.)

On the other hand, even that line can be blurry, right? I once had a friend who was a very kinky girl. She encouraged her fancy Himalayan kitty cat to lick her nipples while she masturbated. Often. It doesn't do anything for me (I won't even let a dog lick my hand), but I've heard of far weirder kinks. Was she having sex with her cat? I think that was her intention, but I can't see the harm.

And I have another friend who felt so sorry for her cat when the poor thing was in heat and screaming for some tomcat action, that she gave her kitty some relief with a cotton swab. Surely that was an act of compassion.

I dunno. I can't get over that guy getting 15 years for doing something that didn't seem to bother the dog. I wouldn't say this about a woman, but the dog might have liked it. It certainly had options if it didn't. Like clamping down on any random body part and refusing to let go. Pit bulls can do that.

We have laws against animal abuse for good reasons, but Michael Vick only got 21 months for his vicious treatment of dogs. And the most time a rapist will serve under federal law for drugging his victim first is .... did you guess 15 years? Ding! Ding! Ding! You win a ham sandwich.

Here's what I hope. I hope that by writing about this I will have derailed the sex-with-pit-bulls train that pulled into the station, and something else will catch my attention. It's been a long time since I've written about vaginas, hasn't it? Human vaginas, I mean? I need some attention-seeking vaginas to catch my eye next.

I'm not sure I even want to hit the publish button tonight. No hating!

Why don't you lick that yourself?

My baby sister posted the photo below on my Facebook wall today. Anybody who knows me well or has bought me several drinks knows I'm from Iowa, which is full of foul, disgusting pigs, and that I hate pigs.

Not bacon. I ate bacon today. I love bacon. Not pork roast or pork chops or ham. I love the cured and cooked carcass of pigs. It's the living, breathing pigs I hate.

And this photo? I hate this photo too -- which, of course, is why my baby sister posted it on my Facebook wall.

(If I knew who took this photo, I would slap the shit out of him. Or her.)

I want to make sure this doesn't happen to any other unsuspecting toddlers out there, so I have several points to make about this photo.

1. It's important to establish early in a child's life that we only eat animals after they've been killed and then butchered. Also that some parts of the animal aren't food. Like the snot.

Bad parent!

2. Pigs are vicious. They are not the intelligent, cuddly, pink sweeties you see in cartoons and movies. Wilbur was fictional. Pigs are mean and they are deadly. They're not just fat, dirty, smarter dogs. They will kill people or even eat them alive if given a chance. Much like we do them, only they don't bother to cure our meat to make it more tasty. They are beneath us on the food chain for a reason.

I know many of you will find this historical information disturbing but I think you should be warned that .... No. I can't tell that.

You should not let a child get close to a pig's giant teeth. Children are food to pigs. Pigs are one of the few reciprocal meat eaters in the western diet.

Check out the pig in the background. He's telling the other pig telepathically (because pigs are so fucking smart), "You eat the face, dude, and I'll take the legs." Whoever took this photo is lucky he didn't get one just as the child's face was being chewed off.

Pigs will eat their own babies. Ours are a delicacy to them.

Bad parent!

3. Pigs push their noses around in their own shit all day long looking for corn they didn't digest the first time around so they can eat it again. Or maybe they just like putting their noses in their own shit. I don't know. They're pigs, and this is proof they aren't really that smart.

That baby is licking pig feces right off that pig's snout. Feces is poop.

Bad parent!

4. Will that child kiss his mother with that mouth? I certainly hope so.

Bad parent!

5. Can you imagine what this kid will say when he sees this photo several years from now? He will be furious. "You mean you stood back and took a photo while I licked snot and feces off a hog's snout? What the fuck were you thinking? Wait .... What? You told me to lick the piggy's nose? Were you fucking high? You were high, weren't you? Or drunk? I HATE YOU!"

Bad parent!

6. Finally, there should be a comma after "you." Also "future" and "bacon" should not be capitalized, and a period would be nice at the end.

Bad punctuation!

See, I don't only write about vaginas here. Sometimes I feel I must post something informative ... educational. A warning.

So if you're a parent who lets, or even encourages, your toddler to lick feces-covered hog snouts so you can get a funny photo, knock it the fuck off! Better yet, next time why don't you lick the hog's snout yourself if you think it's so funny.

Also, not judging, but you are a bad parent.

This little piggy went in the slow cooker...

Early this morning after I finished writing yesterday's post, I dumped a big pork loin into my slow cooker, mixed up a tangy vinegar sauce, and set it on low to cook for a very long time. By the time I got up, the whole house smelled like pork heaven -- which is not a euphoric place for pigs, but rather a place for those of us who like to eat pigs. Or hogs as we call them in Iowa.

I have a lot to say about pigs and what nasty, vicious creatures they are, and about how we should eat them before they eat us because they taste like bacon and we don't, but I won't go into that. I will just say that much yumminess comes from pigs and here is an educational chart that shows you where to cut.

I don't know why the butt is in the front. It's just one more reason to eat pigs.

When I got home from school this afternoon, I could smell the pig cooking before I reached the front porch. I turned off the cooker and let the roast sit a while. When I couldn't wait any longer, I started eating it right out of the crock pot pulled it and filled a plate. It was worth the wait.

You want the recipe, don't you? Here it is. Ingredients are approximations because I tend to just dump some stuff into a big measuring cup. Add more of stuff you like and less of stuff you don't.

Slow Cooker Pulled Pork

In a two-cup measuring cup mix the following ingredients:

• 1 cup cider vinegar (or use another kind if that's what you have)
• 1/2 cup  Worcestershire sauce
• 2 Tbsp brown sugar (more if you like it sweeter)
• 1 tsp dry yellow mustard
• a few dashes of smoked paprika
• salt and pepper
• any other spices you like, but that's all I put in mine

Dump a pork loin in the crock pot, fat side up. You want the fat to cook down through the meat. Dump the sauce over it. Cook it on low for 10-12 hours or until it's falling apart. Resist the urge to lift the lid until it's cooked at least 8 hours. Use two forks to pull the pork into shreds. Dump some of the sauce over it if you like. Or mix in some prepared BBQ sauce. Or both. Eat it.

It tastes a lot better than it looks.