Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Why don't you lick that yourself?

My baby sister posted the photo below on my Facebook wall today. Anybody who knows me well or has bought me several drinks knows I'm from Iowa, which is full of foul, disgusting pigs, and that I hate pigs.

Not bacon. I ate bacon today. I love bacon. Not pork roast or pork chops or ham. I love the cured and cooked carcass of pigs. It's the living, breathing pigs I hate.

And this photo? I hate this photo too -- which, of course, is why my baby sister posted it on my Facebook wall.

(If I knew who took this photo, I would slap the shit out of him. Or her.)

I want to make sure this doesn't happen to any other unsuspecting toddlers out there, so I have several points to make about this photo.

1. It's important to establish early in a child's life that we only eat animals after they've been killed and then butchered. Also that some parts of the animal aren't food. Like the snot.

Bad parent!

2. Pigs are vicious. They are not the intelligent, cuddly, pink sweeties you see in cartoons and movies. Wilbur was fictional. Pigs are mean and they are deadly. They're not just fat, dirty, smarter dogs. They will kill people or even eat them alive if given a chance. Much like we do them, only they don't bother to cure our meat to make it more tasty. They are beneath us on the food chain for a reason.

I know many of you will find this historical information disturbing but I think you should be warned that .... No. I can't tell that.

You should not let a child get close to a pig's giant teeth. Children are food to pigs. Pigs are one of the few reciprocal meat eaters in the western diet.

Check out the pig in the background. He's telling the other pig telepathically (because pigs are so fucking smart), "You eat the face, dude, and I'll take the legs." Whoever took this photo is lucky he didn't get one just as the child's face was being chewed off.

Pigs will eat their own babies. Ours are a delicacy to them.

Bad parent!

3. Pigs push their noses around in their own shit all day long looking for corn they didn't digest the first time around so they can eat it again. Or maybe they just like putting their noses in their own shit. I don't know. They're pigs, and this is proof they aren't really that smart.

That baby is licking pig feces right off that pig's snout. Feces is poop.

Bad parent!

4. Will that child kiss his mother with that mouth? I certainly hope so.

Bad parent!

5. Can you imagine what this kid will say when he sees this photo several years from now? He will be furious. "You mean you stood back and took a photo while I licked snot and feces off a hog's snout? What the fuck were you thinking? Wait .... What? You told me to lick the piggy's nose? Were you fucking high? You were high, weren't you? Or drunk? I HATE YOU!"

Bad parent!

6. Finally, there should be a comma after "you." Also "future" and "bacon" should not be capitalized, and a period would be nice at the end.

Bad punctuation!

See, I don't only write about vaginas here. Sometimes I feel I must post something informative ... educational. A warning.

So if you're a parent who lets, or even encourages, your toddler to lick feces-covered hog snouts so you can get a funny photo, knock it the fuck off! Better yet, next time why don't you lick the hog's snout yourself if you think it's so funny.

Also, not judging, but you are a bad parent.


  1. Oh my goodness! Thanks for starting my day off with his chuckle. I am icked out by that picture! I can't believe anyone would allow it and then take a picture. ugh. Yuck! They are farmyard animals! Animals are animals and unpredictable etc. I didn't know all the pig facts you gave, but as an animal I would be mindful . The woman who lost her face to the chimp comes to my mind. People see animals as "cute" or cartoon like (maybe Olivia the pig) but it is still an animal.

    1. Many animals see us as food just as we do them. That woman who lost her face to a chimp was awful. I'd forgotten about that. Same thing could happen to a child licking a pig snout.