Friday, March 28, 2014

Random thoughts on sex with pit bulls (Not safe for animal-lovers.)

You know how sometimes you'll see an article about a topic, and then you'll see another different article about the same topic, and you think, Hmmm. Maybe I should pay attention to this. And then you see it come up again, and you think, What the hell? Are that many people really fucking pit bulls? And if that many people are getting caught -- because some of them apparently think their backyard is the sexy spot -- how many people are doing it in the privacy of their own homes and nobody ever sees them? And why did I have to see these articles, because now I can't get these images out of my head?

I pay attention to patterns. It's a symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder a hobby of sorts. I'm actually kind of brilliant at it, but there are times when my attention to recurrences leaves me flabbergasted .... and wondering about people who have sex with pit bulls. Like this guy, who wouldn't stop even while his neighbors begged him to because they were so disturbed. Of course, they couldn't look away. Of course they couldn't. Somebody had to bear witness!

And this woman, who apparently had to explain that she was mentally ill ... because that wasn't obvious. And this guy, who got 15 years after his neighbor claimed she caught him twice. At least he wasn't doing it in the backyard, but 15 years? That's a harsher sentence than he would have gotten for raping his neighbor! What the fuck?

I neither appreciate nor do I understand why these pitbull fuckers keep coming (shut up) to my attention. Is this a thing? Is it only pit bulls? Why not poodles? Poodles are pretty. Or golden retrievers? Or old English sheepdogs? Why would a person choose a pit bull out of all the breeds he or she could mate with? Because this, to me, is not a face that says, "Rape me."

This face, in fact, says to me, "If you fuck with me, I will fuck you up. And I can fuck you up. So don't fuck with me, so I don't have to fuck you up." 

I'm not saying I approve of people having sex with pit bulls -- I'd say sex with any dog, but pit bulls seem to be the short-skirt-wearing breed that attracts the crazy fuckers. I don't approve of people having sex with dogs at all, although to be honest, I can't say why. Most of us just agree it's not a good thing to do. On the other hand, if that dog up there was as disturbed as crazy fucker #1's neighbors, crazy fucker #1 would be walking around without a dick, and that dog up there would be licking his lips and asking for dessert. The neighbors might not have been able to stop the guy, but we can be fairly certain the dog could have if it had chosen to.

This reminds me of a story my brother told me about a high school friend of his who was showing off and fucked a pig in front of his friends. Again, not a traditionally sexy animal, although plenty are available in Iowa. But more than that ... listen, forget any PETA-sponsored bullshit you've heard about how Wilbur is cute and cuddly and smarter than a dog. Spiders lie. Hogs are one of the dirtiest, meanest, most disgusting animals on the planet, and their only redeeming quality is bacon. If you don't believe me, you obviously haven't been around pigs enough.

My point is that no pig would stand still for something that caused it discomfort. They're skittish, short-tempered, and they have disproportionately large teeth that they know how to use. They eat their own babies, and they will eat yours too. Pigs can be far more dangerous to people than people are to them, given the chance.

But I'm not advocating that anybody put his penis in one. They're filthy, and we have social mores about crossing that line. We'll kill and eat them, but damn it, nobody ought to poke one. That's just wrong. (Unless the pig is a human dressed up as a pig, but I'll leave the furries alone.)

On the other hand, even that line can be blurry, right? I once had a friend who was a very kinky girl. She encouraged her fancy Himalayan kitty cat to lick her nipples while she masturbated. Often. It doesn't do anything for me (I won't even let a dog lick my hand), but I've heard of far weirder kinks. Was she having sex with her cat? I think that was her intention, but I can't see the harm.

And I have another friend who felt so sorry for her cat when the poor thing was in heat and screaming for some tomcat action, that she gave her kitty some relief with a cotton swab. Surely that was an act of compassion.

I dunno. I can't get over that guy getting 15 years for doing something that didn't seem to bother the dog. I wouldn't say this about a woman, but the dog might have liked it. It certainly had options if it didn't. Like clamping down on any random body part and refusing to let go. Pit bulls can do that.

We have laws against animal abuse for good reasons, but Michael Vick only got 21 months for his vicious treatment of dogs. And the most time a rapist will serve under federal law for drugging his victim first is .... did you guess 15 years? Ding! Ding! Ding! You win a ham sandwich.

Here's what I hope. I hope that by writing about this I will have derailed the sex-with-pit-bulls train that pulled into the station, and something else will catch my attention. It's been a long time since I've written about vaginas, hasn't it? Human vaginas, I mean? I need some attention-seeking vaginas to catch my eye next.

I'm not sure I even want to hit the publish button tonight. No hating!

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