Where'd You Get that Unusual Dildo?

Dildos. I don’t know why I have to keep writing about them. How interesting can something that's little more than a shape be. It's just phallic, nothing else, right? Maybe I feel compelled to give those curious people who are looking for good, solid information a place to land as they’re doing their research--people who find my blog by googling “dildo riding blogspots” or “dildo mit pats” or “dildo porn kilts.”*

And yet I feel a little guilty because, although I found my friend’s dildo, Squildo, to be quite the adorable little guy….ish, lately some dildos have come across my radar that….well, let’s just say I question whether their actual application to the vagina would result in the kind of giddiness a girl expects from a phallic substitute.

http://laughingsquid.com/steampunk-vibrator-by-ani-niow/

For example there’s this metal, steam-powered, steampunk vibrating dildo. At first I thought, Ouch. That metal looks terribly cold and unforgiving, but then I read on. It’s powered by steam from a pressure cooker. OK, let’s break this down. These are adjectives describing nouns that should not be put into a vagina: 1) steam-powered (Hot! Pressure cookers are meant to kill botulism, not vaginas), 2) metal (cold, hot, and Mama Bear says this is too hard), and 3) steampunk. Huh? What’s steampunk about this thing? Stay on your own side of the playground, hipster.

The funniest thing about this Robodildo is the name of the website where I found it: laughingsquid.com. It’s a sign. Wherever Squildo is, he must be laughing at the irony.

And then there’s this homemade dildo DIY video**. Homemade from ice, that is, using condoms and toilet paper tubes right in your own kitchen. In various sizes. He doesn’t mention flavors, but why not? If you’re into that sort of thing ... but please tell me you’re not. Who would let this guy stick an ice penis into her coochie? And why would he want to make an ice dildo in the first place?

 

The guy tries to explain it. He’s obviously heard some criticism of his craftiness, maybe even been called gay before. He says “If you’re so closed-minded you don’t know how to please your girl with more than your dick, then … ah … she’s prolly gonna try to find a guy like me after a while after she gets tired of you just … I guess … screwin’ her for five minutes…” Ummm, yeah. I’ll take the five minutes of dick any day over however long he can go with his weinersicle.

To his credit, he does give one safety tip, really the first thing I thought of. He says to wet it first or you’ll end up like that kid on A Christmas Story. And then the fun will be over, Frosty.

And finally, Halloween is drawing near and even dildos like to dress up and go out to all the parties. I think Squildo might be inspired by this Mythos dildo. Hand-made and sold on etsy. (I'd just recommend hiding this one from the male members of your family. They probably won't play with it in the way it's intended to be played with.)

http://www.etsy.com/listing/76421661/mythos-art-dildo-serene-green-with

Oh, I could go on and on, and I’m not even an expert on dildos. They just seem to fall into my lap—cyberly speaking, of course—and I have to share—cyberly speaking, of course, because you can't buy these things at Walmart or Amazon.com. So what about you. Seen any cool dildos yourself lately?

* Yes, this is how my adoring fans find me. It makes my epeen so hard to read my sexy keyword searches.

** If you get all the way through this video, I'll send you an ice dildo made by my own hands in my own kitchen.