Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I'll Take Mine with Hair

I'm a loser. No, really, I am. I didn't win the way too expensive and probably doesn't work anyway piece of shit Silk'n SensEpil I wrote about last month. Seriously, it's probably an expensive piece of shit that costs $500 effective, painless hair-removal system that costs a lot less than professional laser treatments or decades of painful waxing. The Reticulated Daughter* thought my story was the best one on the blog where the Silk'n SensEpil giveaway was posted, but someone else won the super dooper hair zapper. Someone whose story, according to the Silk'n SensEpil people, was better than mine. Someone who is a product endorsement blog whore better storyteller than I am.

Reticulated Daughter checked the blog--another product endorsement whore's ummmm .... blog--daily to see if I'd won. She was only two years old the first time she stole my razor and shaved her legs. She wanted  that fucking Silk'n SensEpil. She wanted it bad. She planned to be hairless from her eyelashes down to her toenails within minutes of its arrival in my mail slot. So she checked compulsively to make sure I was ahead, and she reported back that nobody had even come close to telling a better story than mine. I tried to keep a Zen attitude. Whatever happened would happen. Duh. But I was excited every time she reported in. I wanted to be hairless from my eyelashes down to my toenails too.

But I didn't win. I tried not to become too invested, yet obviously I was. I became depressed. I stopped shaving. I didn't shave for at least 5 days weeks. I took solace when Sean, the crazy brother on The Big C, put it all into perspective. He said, "Women used to let their follicles grow wild like nature intended. I remember when going down on a woman was like snuggling, open-mouthed, with a baby lion. It was absolutely delightful. Now, it’s like licking a dolphin’s blow hole." And I thought, fuck yeah. I don't have to shave just because a bunch of porn stars are doing it. What's next? Labiaplasty? Fuck those Silk'n SensEpil people. I don't need a dolphin's blow hole between my legs. I'm better than that.

But today as I wedged myself into the Lycra bike shorts I swore I'd never wear, I looked down at my legs and realized pretty soon I was going to look like an orangutan on a bike. Not a pretty sight. Certainly nobody deserves to have to look at that. I'd rather be a dolphin's blow hole.

As I lathered up and shaved my legs, inspiration struck. I may not be a product endorsement blogger whore successful commercial blogger, but my readers were all patiently waiting to see if I won I do know how keywords work and I do know what happens when you use certain words over and over in a blog post. Words like really fucking expensive and probably a piece of shit but I'll never know because I can't afford to be hairless from my eyelashes down Silk'n SensEpil. I know because people find my blog by using keywords like "frosting vagina" and "gay nipple torture pasties."

Yeah, I didn't win. Someone else told a better story. If only I'd coined the phrase "Vietnamese blow job" I might have won .... because nobody has ever used that phrase before. I might even have started my new career as a blog whore. But instead ..... I'm just a writer. A writer who has to shave her legs ... and her blow hole. Sigh.

* I really need to think of a clever name for each of my children so as to protect their privacy and yet represent them in their truest light. Any ideas?


  1. Sigh. And I used to feel vaguely racy because my blog gets searches for "There's lightning in these thunder thighs" - which is not my phrase, it's a blues song I wrote about - and "Colin Firth in a wet white shirt" - which was my Pride and Prejudice post.

    However, I did get a comment from the writer of the song recently. That was fun. She wrote the song partly as revenge on an ex-boyfriend who said her thighs were too large.

    I'm sorry you didn't get the piece of... SenseEpil (I keep wanting to type EpiPen which is totally different). I never win anything.

  2. I get some crazy keyword searches. People put together some amazing word combinations.

    I never win anything either, but I always pin my hopes on winning. OK, once years ago I won a grocery store shopping trip. I took a bunch of meat to the homeless shelter and everything, but that didn't change my luck. I still never win anything, but I still hope. Right now I want to win a trip to Greece.

  3. The character was right. There 's one area that shouldn't be shaved. Trimmed a little, OK, but not shaved. Women, please stop this.