Thursday, October 13, 2011

Alt Uses for Breast Milk

Some recent text conversations with my daughter, Elvira,* about breast milk.

Elvira: I'm afraid Baby Girl has pink eye.
Me: Is her eye irritated and glossy? Pink eye will make her eyeball glossy.
Elvira: It's pretty red. I can't tell if it's glossy. What should I do?
Me: Doctors usually don't treat pink eye any more. It goes away in its own in time, but it's highly contagious. Let's keep an eye on it.
Me: Hee.

Next day...

Me: How's Baby Girl's eye today?
Elvira: It's fine. I put some breast milk in it.
Me: You put breast milk in her eye? Really?
Daughter: It's supposed to have healing properties.
Me: But in her eye?
Elvira: Just a little bit. It worked.
Me: I never would have considered putting breast milk in your eye.

A few days later, from the commissary....

Me: I'm picking up some Desitin to keep at home. Do you need any?
Elvira: I don't need it. I use breast milk.
Me:  It's for diaper rash.
Elvira: I know. I use breast milk.
Me: You put breast milk on her butt? 
Elvira: It has healing properties. She had a little diaper rash so I squirted some breast milk on it and it went away immediately.
Me: I never would have considered putting breast milk on your butt.


Elvira: Breast milk cures razorburn. LOL
Me: I want some!
Elvira: OK.
Me: W00t!

Elvira and me, we don't need no fucking Silk'n SensEpil. We've got breast milk.

* She chose her own name. It fits.


  1. When I saw "Elvira" up at the top, I thought, "perfect!"

    I know I've heard of using breast milk for eye infections, but never thought of it for diaper rash.

    All hail the mighty factory that is The Breast!

  2. Hail! Hail! The breast!

    I have a long essay about how much I love breasts. I had to take an undergraduate class to prove I could write so they'd let me into grad school. (I know, right?) So I took the class and I wrote about how much I love breasts, why I wished my daughter was a lesbian, and the time I was a middle-aged porn star. The kids in the class were stunned....many times.

  3. Perfect. And the VERY cool part is there's tons of research behind every word!

  4. who knew? I could use some around here now and none in sight.

  5. I sense a need for black market breast milk. ;-)

  6. That's too funny, and brilliant! Does Elvira make housecalls?

  7. I don't think she realized she could make a profit from breast milk!

  8. This is as crazy as the Windex thing in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." No, it's crazier.

    But if it works...

    And Renoir has been quoted as opining that the most beautiful thing in the world is the female nipple - he may have been on to more than he knew...

  9. Steve, Renoir and I are on the same page, although I don't know why he thinks so small. Just the nipple? Why not the entire thing? Everybody loves breasts, if they'd only admit it.

  10. Renoir absolutely loved breasts, and was quite open about it - but he felt the cherry on top was the most beautiful part of all. I agree...

    Actually, all of the parts of the body that contain both convex and concave curves tend to be the most beautiful, to me.

  11. Ah, yes. I am quite the fan of many parts of the human body. I wish I could draw it myself.