Day 11: There ought to be a law

First of all, I think everybody should watch this video, which is titled The Female Orgasm Law. Everybody. Do it now, unless you're at work and you might get fired if somebody hears the word "butt-raped" coming from your cube.

WARNING: Kids, stop reading. Mommy is going to talk about sex now.

WARNING: Do not click on any videos that show up on the side of the page that have the word "squirting" in the title. That's just a distraction. Also, could someone explain to me why that's a thing women strive for? Do women strive for it?

ONE MORE WARNING: We are not here to watch the orgasm world championships. That is ridiculous and probably painful. If this video is any indication -- and it fucking is -- women have enough problems with orgasms. We don't need to compete.

Watch only this video.




Oh. My. God. Tell me that isn't the funniest thing ever! I'm wiping my eyes. Hold on. 

Seriously, I would probably start dating again if some enterprising politician would get the orgasm law passed. Although given the gender ratio of every political body in this country, I doubt that's going to happen any time soon.

You would think that in this day and age, decades after the sexual revolution, we wouldn't have to have this conversation. But we do. Even with my some-what limited dating experience as an adult, I can tell you there just needs to be a law. I have stories. Like there was this one guy whose .... nevermind. I'll save it for the testimony.

I am appalled at how many of my friends -- mostly younger women  -- tell me they rarely have an orgasm with the men they date. "It's OK," they say. "I enjoy it anyway. I don't want to have to force him to do anything for me. I mean, I like giving blow jobs, but I'm certainly not going to ask him to do that for me."

Seriously? Why the fuck should a woman have to ask? Is this the 21st century? Even the puritans had better sex than that! What's the problem? Do people believe what they see when they watch porn? Because if the acting isn't good, why would you think the sex is good?

Besides we all know porn is made to appeal to men, don't we? So it stands to reason it's not going to be a good road map to women's pleasure. Those woman are acting, and not even all that well.

I was talking with my friend Ace one night over cocktails, and he said if he could choose anything at all to do for a career, he would open a school for men -- although I'm sure he'd take women too -- to learn how to eat pussy. A school just for that! (And from what I've heard, he'd make an excellent teacher.)

I said if he needed a proctor when it came time to test his students, I'd be willing to work for the same wages the public school system used to pay me. I am, after all, a professional educator. But I also said I was only willing to take the students who had already earned a C or above in the class. I've known too many cunnilingual failures who talk big, but their tongues can't follow. I'd have to get paid a lot more than teachers get paid to willingly let one of those near my queenly cunt.

It's not a bad idea, is it? Especially with legislative support? It would be kind of like driving school. You learn to drive, you can get your driver's license. You learn to make a woman orgasm, you can get your fucker's license. And those who practice safe fucking get a discount on their insurance.

I'm trying to imagine how the orgasm law would be enforced. It seems like calling 911 would be a bit extreme. Maybe a special number though, that puts a woman straight through to the sex crimes division of the police department.

"Yes, officer, that's right. He just rolled over and started snoring. I barely had time to get wet, and he didn't even touch my clitoris. Claims he couldn't find it. I'm pretty sure he was fucking with a fake ID. Could you please lock him up for the night and see if a little butt-raping will bring him around? I'll drop around to pick him up after breakfast. I know how much he loves morning sex."

I'd say this is just one more reason we should vote for more women this November.  The current Congress has been so interested in legislating women's vaginas, it's about time they did something positive and orgasmic for us. Get out and vote!

NaBloPoMo #8: I'm not licking that reprise

All the Sex Monologues is over, and I don't think anybody could argue that it wasn't a success. We sold out both shows, and today we had to hold for 10 minutes, because we had a line out the door and around the corner. More chairs had to be set up to accommodate everybody. The audience laughed and cried. Many condoms were handed out. I'm grateful for my friends who came out to see the show, and that my son Drake and daughter-in-law Montana came last night too. It makes a difference being up there on the stage, trying to be funny, that I was talking to friends .... although the whole having an orgasm up there on stage in front of my kids might have been awkward if I hadn't had my eyes closed the whole time.

I got to work with some wonderful, talented people. While performing monologues is not the same as working on a play together, we still became a pretty cohesive group. I feel grateful to have been able to work with them on a show that was both entertaining and relevant and for such a good cause. I'm not sure how much money we made for Planned Parenthood, but I suspect it's more than was projected.

And now the crash comes. I always crash after a show closes. I tried to avoid it by cleaning, but it's still there. I feel tired and a little blue, like I've got a loose end flapping around. But a busy week will sweep that away before long.

I don't usually repost old posts, but tonight I'm going to repost "I'm Not Licking That" with the revisions I made for the show. I know pride goes before a fall, but I am proud that I wrote and performed my own monologue. It's a powerful feeling, and I'm getting some fresh ideas for writing more performance pieces. So if you've read this, sorry. If you saw the show this weekend, sorry. If you've never seen this one before, I hope you enjoy it.

Recently a friend sent me a link to an article about a new app that got me really excited. Not for myself so much as for my male friends.

It's an app that teaches men ... I mean people ... no, I really mean men how to lick. It’s a licking app! Do you want to know right where my mind went? Good licking makes for good cookies. This is brilliant, I thought .... and I definitely should have thought of it first. I'd be every woman's new rich best friend.

I started to make a list of men I've known ... OK, I mean fucked in the past who need to know about this licking app. Wait! I know what you’re going to say, and I’ve considered the consequences, and I'm sure any judge would agree this is more important than following those silly restraining orders. I thought I would compose a message to my exes that was both sensitive and encouraging, not critical or blaming. In fact, I actually planned to encourage all men to download this app and start lapping away at their screens immediately. Who can't use more practice? Fuck Words with Friends. Start licking, boys!

Then I decided to make beating this game a prerequisite for dating a guy. Just in case we ... or he .... went down .... that path. I thought if I ever joined an online dating service, I'd say right up front I wanted proof of proficiency with the licking app before I swiped right. Or is it left? Nevermind. I had big plans for this licking app.

Then I read an interview with the developers, and disappointment set in.  "Do we think you'll be a better lover because of it? No." That’s co-creator Chris Allick. "Do we think it's an interesting approach to human computer interaction and making people think about their sexuality and maybe start a conversation? Totes."

Do you think I was disappointed when I read that? Totes! Really, Chris, who wants to start a fucking conversation? What we woman want are more tongues wagging, and a lot less talking.

If it won't make men better lovers -- I'm assuming men, because I haven't heard any lesbians complain about lack of attention to detail in their licky licky -- what the fuck good is it? If it won't make men better cunnilinguists, why would we want them to slobber all over their phones trying to flip a light switch or roll a virtual beach ball around? They could just as easily practice tracing the ABC's with their tongues on the tips of their pinkie fingers.

When I saw the name of this app, I expected to see a cartoon version of the lady bits. I expected the player would get points for locating the clitoral sweet spot and staying on it long enough to win the game. I expected an explosion of cookies on the screen or at the very least a series of satisfying ah .... ah .... ah ... ah .... AAAAAAHHHHH sounds. Or both!

I must confess, I didn't download the app to taste-drive it. I could come up with reasons not to get it, but no good reason I should. For example, google "cell phone poop," and you'll learn that 1 in 6 cell phones have poop dust on them. Anderson Cooper's phone has poop dust on it. The creators of the app suggest people use plastic wrap over their screens to avoid contamination, but grilled cheesus that's a lot of work for something I really don't need to practice. And anyway .... ick!

I did click over to the developers' website and saw Club Sexy Time has several other free, yet useless, apps. Like a stare-down app, a pencil-arranging app and a booby trap app. OK, I was tempted to check out that last one. Who doesn’t love boobs? But then I remembered my time is valuable. Someone might have posted a funny, new meme or a cute photo of a kitten on my Facebook feed while I was playing a booby trap app. And since even the developers admitted the licking app would be of no use to pretty much anybody ... I decided fuck it. Which is not the same as lick it.

No, thanks. I'll just lick it myself.

(photo credit: Reticulated Writer)

Last night, for a reason that must be obvious, I posted the following status update on Facebook:

I can't lie. The sound of a dog licking his balls makes me gag. That's probably why men didn't evolve with that skill. Women refused to mate with the ones who could reach down there. If any men who read this can lick their own balls, just don't let me hear you. I'm serious.

Then during church I sneaked peeks on my phone at the conversation that followed. One obvious solution to my dog-ball-licking issue is to have said balls removed. I'm looking for a cost-effective way to do that procedure now.

Just as interesting is the men-licking-their-balls issue. A frequent reader here in Reticuland wins the prize for funniest comment. He wrote, "Evolution-wise, I don't think the women were refusing anything; it's more likely that the men with such abilities (I hesitate to use the term "skill") weren't paying any attention to any nearby women in the first place.

Plus, they probably died of exhaustion and starvation shortly after they discovered the ability."

Indeed.

I suspect almost every man I know has had a conversation about whether whether he can suck his own dick and/or if he would if he could blow himself or lick his balls. Anatomically speaking, I think if he could do the first, the latter wouldn't be much of a stretch.

And then as I sat in church I wondered, Why hasn't anybody ever asked me if I would lick my clit if I could? Why hasn't anybody ever asked me if I can lick my own clit?

Obviously one can tell by looking at me that I can't get my face between my legs. There's not enough yoga in the world. So let's set the question to rest just in case you were wondering, now that I brought it up. But I want to know why isn't the interest in autofellatio matched by an equal interest in autocunnilingis? Even the Wikipedia entry for autoeroticism only refers to men dick-licking. Nothing about women clit-licking. I call shenanigans.

I don't understand why we're left out of the conversation. First, because women are more flexible than men -- in general. (I know there's that one guy out there who is thinking Hey, I'm just as flexible as a woman. Good for you, buddy, but can you suck your dick? No? Shut up then.)

I know men like to see women suck their own nipples. But I guess if we could lick our own clits, that might be just a tiny bit more threatening. Because then we wouldn't need anybody else to lick our clits, and you add that to an expensive life-size dildo, and all we're missing is the wet spot on the bed.

So I was in church thinking about this, and then after church I had a conversation with my friend Martini about why women have fewer orgasms than men. If you're thinking it's because women's orgasms are harder to come by (pun intended), then you would be wrong. Our bits work just fine, thank you, but the relevant bits aren't found in our vaginas, so the penis isn't usually the right tool for the job. (I know there's that one woman -- the one the rest of us women all secretly hate -- who's thinking, I come with every penetration. I have an orgasm when I insert a tampon. Good for you, bitch. Now go sit in the corner. This conversation isn't for you.)

No, the reasons are many, and most of them boil down to men's orgasms being more important than women's.  I don't need to reinvent the wheel when this article by Stefani Ruper is out there. Everybody should read it. Go ahead. Do it now. I'll wait. Hand me that vibrator, please.

So when I told Martini that one reason women don't have as many orgasms as men is because single men, especially during a one-night stand, don't care if the woman has an orgasm, and even admit that they don't give a shit if the woman has an orgasm because they're never going to see her again ..... Oh, the look of astonishment on his face was priceless.

He was actually surprised. Because such a lack of chivalry has never crossed his mind. Because he's one of those men who finds a woman's orgasm almost as fulfilling as his own. Because it just wouldn't be good sex if she didn't have an orgasm.

He's that rare bird. Ruper quotes a study by Elizabeth Armstrong et al in which they claim that women in relationships have 7 times more orgasms (with male partners) than women who aren't. In other words, if it's a hookup, he's going to get his, but she's not.

And women know it. Don't we? Back me up here, single ladies. We know it. OK, I know it. And that's one reason I don't engage in hookups. I don't have issues of repression, and even my body issues (which are significant) wouldn't prevent me in engaging with sex with a nice stranger. But I'm not looking for selfish sex. I'm not a receptacle. It's mutual pleasure or nothing for me. And my expectation for a one-night event is that I'll be disappointed. Experience and scientific research back up my pessimism.

But more than that, I'll come clean and say it's also reason #284 why I don't pursue dating. Many men are only looking for a hookup, and I'm not only bored by the shallowness of their quest to fulfill their basest needs, I'm not interested in servicing them at the expense of my own pleasure. I do feel like a slut when a man doesn't care about my orgasm. (Caveat: I have also experienced men who just didn't  know what the fuck they were doing. I dated a man for months who claimed eating pussy was his favorite past-time, and yet he had fewer skills than the average 15-year-old. I kept thinking it was going to get better, but it never did. It was a lesson I took to heart. If he can't find the spot by the third time, he's not going to. Move on.)

I should add this second caveat: None of this pertains to lesbian sex. Lesbians have more orgasms than anybody.

Back to the original topic, which was .... OK, it was my dog licking his balls. Anyway, I don't think it's at all fair that women can't lick their own clits. There. I said it. And I will answer the question I've never been asked: Yes, if I could, I would certainly lick my own clit. Tongues are simply the best, in my opinion. Unfortunately, imagining contorting my body into a position that might facilitate my tongue coming into contact with my clit does not bring a feeling of warm, moist pleasure.

Since I answered the question, I'm going to ask my women readers. Would you pleasure yourself with your tongue if you could? Don't leave me hanging, ladies! I've had that happen way too often already.

More dangers of dining down under

I kind of hate to write this because I don't want to give cunnilingus a bad name, because the word itself already sounds like somebody hacking up a hairball but a reader posted this link to my Facebook wall today. It's a Huffington Post article about Michael Douglas, who claims he got throat cancer from the HPV virus, a virus he contracted through the cunnilingual act. Not smoking. Not drinking. Not giving blow jobs (although he gave a persuasive, if creepy, performance in HBO's recent movie about Liberace, Under the Candelabra).  Cunnilingus. (He's a gentleman so he calls it that.)

Way to take one for the team, Michael Douglas.

Of course neither cancer nor murder by cunnilingus is really funny. I'm certainly not laughing. Actually even though National Masturbation Month is over, I'm thinking about Michael Douglas going down ..... Oh, are you still reading? Nevermind....  What I meant to say was who knew eating pussy was such a dangerous act? I've certainly never known anyone to suffer any ill effects from dining down there in my 5-star restaurant. Have you?

So even if a couple of men have experienced less than savory experiences, I say we all keep that to ourselves, so as not to scare away any potential lady-bit nibblers, K? K.