Monday, July 11, 2016

Day 11: There ought to be a law

First of all, I think everybody should watch this video, which is titled The Female Orgasm Law. Everybody. Do it now, unless you're at work and you might get fired if somebody hears the word "butt-raped" coming from your cube.

WARNING: Kids, stop reading. Mommy is going to talk about sex now.

WARNING: Do not click on any videos that show up on the side of the page that have the word "squirting" in the title. That's just a distraction. Also, could someone explain to me why that's a thing women strive for? Do women strive for it?

ONE MORE WARNING: We are not here to watch the orgasm world championships. That is ridiculous and probably painful. If this video is any indication -- and it fucking is -- women have enough problems with orgasms. We don't need to compete.

Watch only this video.

Oh. My. God. Tell me that isn't the funniest thing ever! I'm wiping my eyes. Hold on. 

Seriously, I would probably start dating again if some enterprising politician would get the orgasm law passed. Although given the gender ratio of every political body in this country, I doubt that's going to happen any time soon.

You would think that in this day and age, decades after the sexual revolution, we wouldn't have to have this conversation. But we do. Even with my some-what limited dating experience as an adult, I can tell you there just needs to be a law. I have stories. Like there was this one guy whose .... nevermind. I'll save it for the testimony.

I am appalled at how many of my friends -- mostly younger women  -- tell me they rarely have an orgasm with the men they date. "It's OK," they say. "I enjoy it anyway. I don't want to have to force him to do anything for me. I mean, I like giving blow jobs, but I'm certainly not going to ask him to do that for me."

Seriously? Why the fuck should a woman have to ask? Is this the 21st century? Even the puritans had better sex than that! What's the problem? Do people believe what they see when they watch porn? Because if the acting isn't good, why would you think the sex is good?

Besides we all know porn is made to appeal to men, don't we? So it stands to reason it's not going to be a good road map to women's pleasure. Those woman are acting, and not even all that well.

I was talking with my friend Ace one night over cocktails, and he said if he could choose anything at all to do for a career, he would open a school for men -- although I'm sure he'd take women too -- to learn how to eat pussy. A school just for that! (And from what I've heard, he'd make an excellent teacher.)

I said if he needed a proctor when it came time to test his students, I'd be willing to work for the same wages the public school system used to pay me. I am, after all, a professional educator. But I also said I was only willing to take the students who had already earned a C or above in the class. I've known too many cunnilingual failures who talk big, but their tongues can't follow. I'd have to get paid a lot more than teachers get paid to willingly let one of those near my queenly cunt.

It's not a bad idea, is it? Especially with legislative support? It would be kind of like driving school. You learn to drive, you can get your driver's license. You learn to make a woman orgasm, you can get your fucker's license. And those who practice safe fucking get a discount on their insurance.

I'm trying to imagine how the orgasm law would be enforced. It seems like calling 911 would be a bit extreme. Maybe a special number though, that puts a woman straight through to the sex crimes division of the police department.

"Yes, officer, that's right. He just rolled over and started snoring. I barely had time to get wet, and he didn't even touch my clitoris. Claims he couldn't find it. I'm pretty sure he was fucking with a fake ID. Could you please lock him up for the night and see if a little butt-raping will bring him around? I'll drop around to pick him up after breakfast. I know how much he loves morning sex."

I'd say this is just one more reason we should vote for more women this November.  The current Congress has been so interested in legislating women's vaginas, it's about time they did something positive and orgasmic for us. Get out and vote!


  1. A brilliant post like that and no comments?! Your female readers must be having more orgasms than I would have thought. I applaud Ace's idea for a College of Cunnilingus but men are so damn selfish and self centered especially when it comes to anything sexual. First that selfishness needs to be addressed and then the masturbation. When men masturbate they train themselves, both mentally and physically, to climax as quickly as possible. As far as I am concerned, there is no better feeling than giving it hard to your partner as THEY orgasm.

    1. Unfortunately, most people comment on my Facebook, which means it scrolls away into the ether in a about a minute. You're right about the masturbation problem. I haven't even hit on the issue of endurance. Dan Savage recommends parents tell their sons to vary the pace and the pressure when they masturbate so they don't get used to racing to the finish line. I think it's good advice.