Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The V Clone (NSFW)

I promised a vagina post for today and not to brag or anything but I'm not only posting a vagina post, but a vagina with clones post. Boo ya. Multiples!

A dedicated reader sent me a link to an interesting product called the Clone-A-Pussy molding kit. Well now. Obviously someone intelligent .... someone with class .... someone educated came up with the idea for this kit. I mean, there are hyphens and capital letters in the name of the kit. That alone tells me I should expect a high quality product. And someone -- obviously someone worth quoting -- said this will be "...the erotic experience that lasts a lifetime." As I tell my students, quoting a source is a good way to add authority to your writing. Yay, pussy-cloners!

Of course, the kit can't really create a clone of my ... or your or anybody's ... pussy, because that would require DNA and kinky shit like that, and I'm pretty sure a rubber pussy doesn't share DNA with my lady parts. But the manufacturer does promise "an EXACT rubber copy of any vagina." It's right there on the ad. So I forgive them for their egregious misuse of the word "clone." And vagina too.

Obviously the geniuses  who came up with this rubber brainstorm didn't mean you can make a replica of your actual vagina. They mean, as they say in the text, a replica of your outer vagina. We have Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues to thank for the expansion of the word "vagina" to include all lady parts that are .... you know ..... down there.

I may be the last woman on earth who hasn't done this, but I'm going to admit, I've never made a copy of my vagina. Or specifically the "outer portion of [my] vagina." Perhaps I'm behind the times, but I've also never been asked for a copy of my vagina. The real thing, certainly, but never a copy. Is there something wrong with me? With my vagina?

When I first saw this I had to wonder, is this kind of like those plaster hand molds we all made in kindergarten? The ones where we stuck our hand in plaster and then after it hardened, our teacher helped us wrap it so we could give it to our moms for Christmas? Is this something a woman might do in the privacy of her own bedroom so she can wrap it up and surprise her sweetie with it on Christmas morning? Is this what you get for the husband who has everything?

What would he use it for? A paperweight at the office? A toothbrush rest? A wall plaque?

But then I read the instructions. Here, you can read them too ....

Notice it's not really like the plaster molded hand. With this kit, first you make a mold. (No wonder I've never done this. I don't even like to use the word mold in the same sentence when I'm talking about my vagina.) Then you use the mold to make the clone.

So one would mix some kind of molding powder (yuck) with water to make some globby stuff, and then one would "insert a vagina" ..... Wait a damn minute. Insert a penis I could understand, but insert a vagina? How the hell do you insert a vagina into anything???

All I can think of when I read that is those metal baskets with the gooey pink silly putty the dentist uses to get an impression of one's teeth. But that can't be right. Teeth are hard, rigid. They can be inserted into goo. Lady parts -- labias for example -- are soft and smooshy. How could a labia be inserted into goo to make an impression? It would smash against the goo if the goo were stiff enough to hold an impression. And as for vaginas, they're pretty much anti-insertable because they're basically a tube made for insertion of something else. What am I missing?

Damn it. This is physics, right?

I can see all sorts of other problems with this invention, like the possible presence of hair or goo collecting in delicate tissues, not to mention ..... well, nevermind. Enter at your own risk.

After making the mold, one is instructed to pour in the "liquid rubber," (oh, the irony) which will set up and make the copy of the vagina. It looks so easy on the website. It sounds so messy in real life.

And yet how else will you get "your own treasured collection of life-like vaginas"? The same vagina over and over, I would assume. Made from the same mold. The same smooshed "outer vagina" mold. The "shallow likeness, without a hole".....

In layman's* terms, this is not a pocket pussy.

Maybe it's been too long since I was in a romantic relationship, but I can't really imagine giving a guy one of these "naughty homages." I mean, can you imagine wrapping the thing up and taking it to a restaurant .... sliding it across the table during dessert and saying, "I got you a little something, baby"?

He unwraps it, turns it over and around and says questioningly, "Ummm. Cool? Ummmm ..... What is it exactly?"
"It's a copy of my outer vagina. You know, sweetie, a pussy clone."
"Oh. I see now. That's .... so thoughtful."
"I knew you'd like it. That's why I made you an entire collection, so you can keep one at the office, by your bed, in your workshop, in your car ... You do like it, don't you?"
"You're so crafty! This is exactly what I needed."
"I knew you'd love it. Just making it for you was an erotic experience that will last a lifetime."
"Thank you, baby. I love you .... and my new pussy clone too."
Kiss and fade.....

This is why I don't date.

The only thing really commendable about this product is that it was made in the USA, and it's apparently endorsed by Rosie the riveter's great-granddaughter.

I hope this post doesn't encourage you to buy a pussy cloning kit for only $26.00 (on sale), but if it does, please report in. Tell me how it works. I promise I'll think of an appropriate pseudonym to use when I write about you here. Something clever like pussy cloner or rubber twinkie or coochie copier. Think about it, mmmmkay?

(Disclaimer: Reticulated Writer is not responsible for any injuries caused by the Clone-A-Pussy molding kit.)

* Every pun is intended. Every single one.


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by, Haiku. I've got a post on bullying on the burner right now. I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry.

  2. And on a related note... perhaps the candle maker used this mold....

    Dip your Wick

    Via Regresty

    Password is CF4L if asked...

    1. Oh my. A little romantic candlelight.....

      For some reason the idea of fire coming out of the end of a penis doesn't really make me hot. Maybe it's just me. ;-)

  3. So hilarious!! Someone actually made this?!

    I would be really afraid of putting guy nether regions onto anything to make a mold (I agree that it is not nice saying the word mold with my woman parts in the same sentence!).

    1. I bet lots of guys would think it was funny to make a wiener mold. And give a "copy" to their SO for Valentine's Day.