Friday, May 18, 2012

Mystery Photos

My phone broke recently ... no, that's a lie. My phone broke almost two months ago. The qwerty fell apart, although it's still held together by a couple of ribbons. It still works except sometimes it takes two people -- one to hold the two parts and one to text .... anyway, I can still text the old fashioned way on the number pad. When it broke I couldn't decide if I wanted a smart phone to keep me busy when I'm out and everybody else is on their smart phones texting or playing Draw Something or checking Facebook. 

Someone with a mind for mechanics took a look at my dumb phone at karaoke and told me how to cobble it back together with double-sided tape. I asked if that would fix it. He looked at me with pity and said no, it would just get me through until I could buy another phone. Then he moved to another table.

Surprise! The tape worked a little better than that -- as long as I keep a hair tie around my phone when I'm not using it to text. So I didn't buy the smart phone right away, but just as I was about to, my prepaid phone company, Straight Talk, refilled my phone. I didn't want to  waste that $30, so I waited.

Maybe I also waited because I hate buying shit like phones and TVs and cars. Some people really like shopping for high-priced, techie items. I don't. I was married for many years, and we had a system. LtColEx loved shopping for expensive toys, so if we needed a computer or a car or a VCR (we were married a very long time), he would research every option, then go out and buy it. If he even tried to talk to me about the decision my eyes would glaze over and my ears would start to buzz, so he learned to just do it. He had skills. I had skills.

I confess: When I needed to buy a TV, I asked Martini what he would buy. Same for Elvira's camera and a backup hard drive. Like LtColEx, he likes shopping for toys.

I know what you're thinking. I need to stop relying on other people and grow the fuck up. I do.

So I shopped and I decided to get a phone just like my friend TrickShot's. It's smart and it has a qwerty and her husband got it for her for Christmas. That last part is comforting. I'd have to change carriers though, which I don't mind. I rather like the idea of being a Virgin again. So I waited to buy the phone so I wouldn't waste my minutes and texts, and Tuesday Straight Talk refilled my dumb phone again. Fuck me.

It doesn't sound like such a big deal, right? But it truly is. My social life is suffering. My friends are embarrassed to be seen with me and my phone with the hair tie around it. At karaoke they put a napkin over my phone when I lay it on the table. It can't be to prevent someone from stealing it. C'mon! It's a dumb phone with a hair tie around it.

No, they're ashamed to be seen with me. And they don't want to text me because it's so painful to watch me text. They don't want me to be doing that in public. They don't want to get involved. That's the kind of friends I have. Loyal until I've got a hair tie around my phone.

Now I'm preparing to buy a new phone, mostly so I can get clearer photos of belly tattoos. But first I have to get all the stuff off my old phone because it's so dumb it doesn't have a card. So I have to remove the photos and phone numbers manually and then reload my future smart phone. What a pain in the ass.

I was going through photos and emailing them to myself yesterday when I came across a few photos that puzzled me. A few photos that I looked at on my little dumb phone and thought what the fuck is that?

For example this one.

On my little phone screen it looked like a clown dildo. And on my big LCD monitor it looked like .... a clown dildo. In fact in real life, Elvira and I were shopping at a discount store and I picked this up and said, "What the hell is this? A clown dildo?"

Elvira said, "Mommers, it's not a dildo. It's a b*by rattle." I guess she looked at the cardboard package and not the dildo-ish plastic object attached to it.

"Oh. It looks suspiciously similar to that rabbit dildo you bought. The one that broke right away, remember?" I said. "Even the name...."

She grabbed it from me and hung it back on the display. OK, it's not a dildo, but I don't think there's any doubt why the Twist and Shake was dumped at the deep discount store instead of selling out at Walmart. Do you?

What if it had looked like this, Elvira? Then what would you have thought it was?

I rest my case.

 I probably don't need to add that we didn't buy one for Coraline.

Here's another photo I forgot I'd taken.

But once I got it up on the big screen ... oh, yeah. Then I remembered. You see it already right? What it is?

 It's a butt plug. An electric butt plug.

Can you just imagine a young bride opening her wedding gifts at the reception. She pulls this beauty out of the box and says, "Oh, look, honey. Your great-aunt Beatrice gave us an electric crystal butt plug. And it lights up. So thoughtful....."

It doesn't look like it's been used. Not surprising it ended up at Goodwill, is it?

And this last photo .... I have no idea why I took this photo, but I did.

It's a toilet and the tank is taped. Maybe that was significant at some point in my phone's life, but I sure as hell don't remember it. It's the mystery toilet.

Next I need to copy all of my phone numbers off my dumb phone and re-enter them when I finally buy my smart phone. Ugh. I don't want to. And then there are the texts I will simply lose.

Am I the only one who is traumatized by buying a new phone? Shouldn't shopping be fun? Next I need to buy a car. I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it. Anybody want to buy me a car? Please?

* Why the star? Because you wouldn't believe some of the keyword searches some sick fucks use to find my blog. There are certain words I don't want to put together.


  1. OK. Clown dildo. I buy that. But what's the ring doing on the end of it? The dildo doubles as a key chain? The ring eases retrieval?

    1. You probably shouldn't over-think clown dildos. Clowns have big round noses and enormous shoes too. What's with that?