Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Nov 15: Lube: It's What's for Dinner

I was working on a difficult, serious post today, when I was distracted by lubrication. Flavored lube, to be precise. Meaty-, smoky-flavored lube. And that reminded me of the time I was standing in line at the commissary, and Elvira called me on my cell. She was pissed. I'm sure the people in front and behind me could hear our conversation without even trying. It went something like this.

Elvira: I'm so fucking mad. You won't believe what happened at my party last night.
Me: I can't believe your father let you have a party at his house.
Elvira: We didn't bother him. He wasn't there.
Me: Mmmmm hmmmm. Even better.
Elvira: It doesn't matter! Mommers! You won't believe what this asshole Jake did! I'm going to kill him the next time I see him!
Me: Do I know this Jake?
Elvira: No, he's (somebody-else-I-don't-know)'s friend. I think he's a drug dealer.
Me: A pharmaceutical rep. That's nice. (I smile reassuringly at the military-type people around me.)
Elvira: Where are you?
Me: The commissary.
Elvira: Oh. Anyway, that fuckhead Jake is a thief. I can't believe he stole from me at my own fucking party.
Me: He stole from you? Did you tell your dad? Did you call the police?
Elvira: No, I didn't call the police on my own party. Weren't you ever young? That would be stupid. Who steals from someone at her own party?
Me: Jake, if I have to guess. What did he steal?
Elvira: Guess.
Me: Beer.
Elvira: No, you can't steal beer at a party. Guess again. What's one thing you would never touch in someone else's bedroom?
Me: Jake was in your bedroom?
Elvira: Mommers, focus! What's the one thing you wouldn't touch in someone's bedroom if you were at a party there?
Me: Ummmm. Underwear?
Elvira: No. Guess again.
Me: Kitty Smalls? She bites.
Elvira: No, it's a thing.
Me: I don't know. Just tell me
Elvira: No, you guess.
Me: Your sheets? He didn't steal your sheets, did he?
Elvira:  No, I'll give you a clue. It's something I told you I bought last week and it cost $10!
Me: (whispering while still trying to be heard) Strawberry-flavored lube?
Elvira: Yes, he stole my fucking strawberry lube!
Me: He stole strawberry lube? Why? Did he eat it? Was he wanking in the bathroom? But then why would he take it with him?
Elvira: Mom! I don't know what he did with it! It doesn't matter. He stole the lube and he stole a full box of cereal from the pantry and left it sitting in the driveway. Dadders found it out there when he came home today.
Me: A drug dealer named Jake took an unopened box of cereal from the house and left it in the driveway and drove away with your strawberry lube? That's what you called to tell me?
Elvira: Wouldn't you be pissed if somebody stole your $10 strawberry lube?
Me: I don't have $10 strawberry lube. (By now I've given up on whispering. I'll never see these people again.)
Elvira: If you had strawberry lube. And you should get some. Now. If you don't like it, you can give it to me.
Me: No, I don't need it. I know how to make it from scratch. I have jars of it in the basement...
Elvira: This is serious. I'm going to track him down and get it back.
Me: Would you really want to touch it now?
Elvira: That's just my point. Who would touch somebody else's lube? Would you? If you were at a party would you touch the host's lube?
Me: Well......
Elvira: I mean if you weren't going to have sex with her.
Me: Then, no. Not unless I was invited to perhaps smell or taste the lube and then I'd prefer if it were unopened.
Elvira: That's another thing! About 1/3 of it was gone!
Me: That's shocking. I mean that he took an open bottle of lube.
Elvira: I knew what you meant. So you wouldn't touch it?
Me: No.
Elvira: Thank you. I'm going to kill him.
Me: Make him pay for it. Just like I need to pay for my groceries. Bye now. I love you.
Elvira: Love you too, Mommers. Mommers?
Me: What? I need to check out.
Elvira: Will you buy me more strawberry lube?
Me: No. If you're old enough to lube, you're old enough to buy it yourself. 

I guarantee she'll say I told the story wrong. But I don't care. I don't desire the strawberry lube (although I could be persuaded by the right person).

What I desire, now that a friend from north of the border wrote to offer me a dinner invitation snack suggestion is bacon lube. Yes, it's the "world's first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil." Bacon lube. Baconnnnn llluuuuube. It even sounds slippery.

Why is the pig nose on the woman, I wonder? (baconlube.com)

 I've never even met this guy and yet he knows me too well. My three favorite food groups are meat, fat and chocolate. And my favorite thing to do is .... umm .... satisfy my appetite for cookies. Bacon lube sounds like the best thing ever! I wonder if I could persuade anybody to try this with me? I do love a man with a hearty appetite (although I've known a man who chose bacon over sex.*). Would you buy it? Would you try it? (It's kosher, if that's important to you.) Yummy bacon lube? It sounds so whimsical, doesn't it?

OK, I'm going to get down and dirty and honest here for a second. I do love bacon. I do. But to me humans smell and taste much better than bacon, artificially flavored strawberry or even smooth, dark chocolate. So as fun as this smoky product looks, and as fun as it might be to try it once, I'll take my man naked, just the way nature made him. And if he wants bacon, he can cook me breakfast. Later.

* A Maple Leaf Foods study showed that 43% of Canadians would choose bacon over sex. I haven't verified their results.


  1. Just rubbing soft-cooked bacon on the body would be cheaper. And probably tastier.

    Trying that later.


  2. whoo hoo - you're at the halfway point!!

  3. Oh my, Colorado. Don't forget to find somebody to lick that off. And let me know how it goes! (Not that I'm a voyeur....well....yes, I am.)

  4. I know, 'Zann, right? I failed at poetry, but at least I've done half of this one.

  5. I'm a vegetarian. I only use tofu flavored lube.

  6. Ha! Try that pick-up line and see where it gets you.