Saturday, November 26, 2011

Nov 26: Yes, Virginia, you can be a virgin again...and again...and again....

My vagina used to look like this.

Knowing a good deal makes me hot, a lowdown, dirty rotten spammer one of my thoughtful readers sent me a coupon she thought I might be interested in. Or so she said. I, being a creature of low self-esteem and poor body image, saw beyond the superficial message she sent, which went something like, "here, just thought I'd pass this on because I got two and I can't use them both," to the real reason she sent it. She's really saying, "Honey, my vagina is already tight as a your mama's Spanx because I send it to the clinic on a regular schedule, so I don't need this. But when I saw it, you're the first person I thought of because everybody knows it and nobody wants to tell you: your vagina needs to be rejuvenated. You're always the last person to know these things and it's time somebody told you. You need  vaginal rejuvenation." She's right. I didn't know. They've never covered this one on Desperate Housewives. But now I wonder: Has Bre had vaginal rejuvenation?

I should have suspected something, I suppose. Lots of my friends get massages, sit in salt rooms, go to yoga retreats and gardening conferences and blogging conventions. These things are important for maintaining physical and mental health. But I didn't know a woman also needed to get her vagina rejuvenated. I feel like a freak now. How many people have noticed and not wanted to tell me? Would men in kilts people stand in line to bake me batches of cookies if I'd just maintained my vagina's health better? Would I be having a cookie right now if I had reinvigorated my vagina like other women do?

It's not the first time I let an issue go because I didn't realize I needed to hire a man to perform periodic maintenance. For example, I didn't realize I needed to have my transmission fluid changed every 30,000 miles. So a couple of months ago when I needed to have it changed for reasons I won't go into, the Goodyear shop refused to change it, because I'd driven 135,000 miles without doing it. I didn't rejuvenate my transmission fluid soon enough so the Goodyear men refused to do it at all. Not even for $185!

So if that can happen, is it possible it's too late to have my vagina rejuvenated? With my transmission I now notice a little slippage when I change gears, usually between 2nd and 3rd. Same with my vagina? Is it possible my vagina has relaxed into complacency, probably because I didn't know I needed to have my g-spot amplified? My hymen has been in tatters for decades, that I do know. I feel so stupid. Other women obviously sport designer labias while I'm still walking around with the same tired, rundown, gynormous labias I've always had. I'm not sure what else is missing under my hood in my panties because the page for other cosmetic procedures is under construction. Just like my vagina should be!

I need to go from this.....

And to think a couple of months ago I was worried about pubic hair.

OK, people, I need to fix this problem fast. Sure Dr. Jason is reported to be a "kind, caring and understanding" semi-celebrity of a pussy rejuvenator. He even says things like, "As a sexual biological organism, women are superior to men." Thank you, Dr. Jason. Please help me stay sexually superior because that's really working for me. I bet you've never left a woman wanting a cookie. But at what point would Dr. Jason--like the Goodyear guys--say, "Sorry. There's nothing I can do for you. You've driven your vagina into the ground. If only you'd come to me sooner ..... "?

I need to do something now! My vagina, and probably my other lady parts too, need immediate rejuvenation. This isn't something I can do alone, so I hope I can depend on you, my reticulated blog community, for assistance, because this shit is expensive and I'll need to go on a trip to New York as soon as possible.*

And thus from the wreckage of my ravaged vagina is born the Rejuvenate Reticula's Vagina Foundation. (Say that last sentence three times fast and then follow the directions below.)

Here's what you can do to help my vagina. Call this toll-free number:
1-myn-ewv-agina to donate with a credit card. Elvira and I Operators will be standing by. Or you can click on the Paypal button on the right sidebar over there to donate safely through Paypal. Or when you see me out some night, just slip me some cash, whatever you've got on you. Everything helps. Thank you.

Still not persuaded? Listen, this will be a life-changing procedure. Far more profound than learning to work a pole or vocalizing an orgasm on stage or even killing a turkey. You will want to read about this! You will want photos! You will want me to enjoy my new rejuvenated cookie-maker! You will want photos.

Your kids will forgive you if they have to miss one tiny Christmas. Look how happy the Cratchits were in spite of their meager existence. Aren't you always saying Christmas is too commercial? Haven't you threatened again and again to make all your gifts by hand or re-gift all those ugly sweaters your Aunt Lois knitted? This is your chance to finally do some good on Christmas. And unlike gifts to Heifer International, you will see immediate cookies! results when you send your donations to the Rejuvenate Reticula's Vagina Foundation. No waiting for the calf or the chick to grow up. Dr. Jason and I guarantee results in just weeks.

Please donate generously. My vagina needs you. My labia needs you. My g-spot needs you. We can't bake cookies without you. Thank you.

... to this.

* While I'm in New York, it would be crazy not to catch a couple of Broadway shows, so please keep that in mind when you give with your heart.

Disclaimer: I am not mocking women who really need the procedures done at this clinic for health reasons. I'm sure many of the surgeries Dr. Jason performs really do change women's lives for the better. This post is for entertainment purposes only.


  1. Great post. Made my husband and I laugh, after he almost had a heart attack when he saw the website I was viewing.

  2. Completely snort laughing. Thanks!

  3. Where do I begin? All I know is I want to convince you to try NaBloWriYear. I have come to look forward to your daily writing as a midnight snack. I don't want it to stop!

  4. Wait! You guys do know I'm serious, right? I'm no longer worried about getting Botox between my eyebrows. I've got way bigger problems--assuming of course that the area between my legs is bigger than the area between my eyebrows. I at least need a deposit for the new vagina. I can wait on the g-spot, but the vag is a non-negotiable.

    Sorry for your husband's heart Kling, but his heart surgery comes after my vajayjay surgery. First come and all that.

  5. 'Zann, that's so flattering. And yet, a whole year? I would fail so big even my vagina would look small in comparison.

  6. I think you have figured out your solution here. Botox. Buy one Groupon and cover your forehead AND... any other areas that you think need to be tightened up.