Friday, November 25, 2011

Nov 25: Thor Stories

Only the bones left

I'm so bummed I forgot to take a photo of my bird after she came out of the roaster yesterday. Too much going on at that time of the dinner prep. By the time the bird is resting, I'm mashing potatoes, scooping out stuffing, overseeing the queens as they make the gravy,* directing the other hot food to the table ..... I just forgot to take photos for my blog. Here's what it looks like now, after we ate the meat and then I boiled the carcass to make soup. Just bones and skin. She was a good bird.

And I'm cutting it late again tonight with the blogging. Drake and Dakota are in town and staying here. They'll probably be back soon to try to drag me to the club for blacklight night. Elvira, Coraline and I walked around downtown this evening for the tree illumination at courthouse square with thousands of other people. I love carrying Coraline in the sling. Brings back lots of good memories of carrying her mommy in the sling 20 years ago. So I've been busy with my kids today, and I can't apologize for that.

But I did promise stories in last night's blog post, sometime after we finished off a box of wine. I'm not sure they will be as funny here as they were last night, and as I look at my notes, I realize I might as well call these the Thor stories. (They made me stop taking notes, but I couldn't read my handwriting after a while anyway.)

1. Thor: I don't think it's fair that women can have cookies one right after another, but men have to wait.
Me: I can't believe you're complaining about cookies. You're a man. You always get your cookie. Do you want to know how long it's been since I had a cookie?
Thor: No. I'm just saying it's not fair I can't have another one right away. I have to wait a while, maybe make a sandwich and eat it, watch a little TV....
Me: I don't want to hear it. You're a man. You always get your cookie.
Thor: No, I don't. I don't always. Really I don't.
Me:  I don't believe you. Men always get their cookies. It's women who are cookie deprived.
Thor: No, I don't. Sometimes I'd rather make batches of cookies than get any for myself at all.
Me: (Silence. Where do I find a man who makes cookies in batches?)  Sigh.

2. Thor: You need to drink some moonshine. That will give you a buzz.
Me: I don't drink moonshine. I drank that stuff in high school sometimes. It's wicked.
Thor: That's the whole point. You need to drink some.
Me: Nobody should drink that shit. It can make you go blind.
Thor: That's why you shouldn't pour it in your eyes.
Me: (Silence.) .... (No, really I laughed.)

3. Drake was retelling one of my bad-mommy stories. Yeah, I have a couple. In this story, when Drake was about 12, he came in the house and told me he'd hurt his wrist really bad. I suspected he was malingering because he didn't want to weed the flower bed like I'd told him to. Later that evening his wrist had swelled up so he showed it to LtColEx, who said he'd take him to the emergency room. I said no, I would take him to the emergency room. Turned out it was broken. Bad mommy. Let the mocking begin.

Me: Hey, I threw a bag of frozen peas at him before I went out to weed the flowers myself.
Thor: Frozen peas? You threw frozen peas at Drake for a broken wrist?
Me: Yes, what's wrong with putting frozen peas on something to reduce swelling? (Thor is a firefighter/EMT. I expected some kind of medical lecture about how to treat a broken bone. Which, in my defense, I didn't know about when I threw the peas at him.)
Thor: I put frozen peas on my vasectomy. My vasectomy.
Me (Silence. Because, OK, Thor, that's fine that you put frozen peas on your wee ouchie, but it's not like the bag of peas come with a warning label: For human consumption or treatment of ball sack swelling only! Do not apply to sore wrists or other body parts other than the swollen scrotum or serious injury may occur.) 

It's possible you had to be there.

* A Thanksgiving tradition: the gravy must be made by at least one gay man, or better yet, two. Three and the process tends to get a little dramatic.


  1. FABULOUS! I've been anticipating the retelling of last night all day. So glad I was there. :)

  2. I'm glad you were too. You HAD to taste the turkey. I'm going to save you some soup too.

    Now if I could just stop thinking about Thor with a bag of frozen peas on his bag. ;-)

  3. When Shaun was about 14, he was playing basketball and fell. He swore he heard something crack. Ice, bruising or swelling. He kept saying it hurt, though. I keep saying it would get better, it was just sprain.

    A WEEK later, I took him for X-rays. Broken.
    Bad Mommy.

  4. I swear my bad-mommy stories have been told so many times they've become legends in 14 foreign countries. I'm a modern-day Grimm's fairy tales.

  5. I think dinner at your house sounds like a lot of fun.

  6. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to enjoy a meal made with frozen peas ever again...

  7. You weeded the flowers BEFORE you took him to the emergency room?

  8. Diplomat, we'll call them cooked peas just for you. They're only frozen when they're serving a medicinal purpose.

  9. Kris, I'd rather say I weeded the flowers before I realized he'd broken it. He wasn't crying; he just said it hurt and he couldn't weed. I checked it and it wasn't swollen or bruised until later. Personally, I think my kids really have to stretch to find those bad-mommy stories.

  10. Janine, we do tend to have some fun, especially once the dishes are washed and the food is put away.....and the wine is flowing. :-) Some years we get out guitars and play music or we turn on the karaoke. This year we mostly talked about killing and eating birds and small mammals.