Sunday, February 19, 2012

8 Miles Wide

The first time I saw this video I was sitting in a pub with some other Scrooge! cast members after a show. One of the young women whose crotch is shown here, ran over and stuck one ear bud in my ear and the other in the ear of a friend, handed us her phone and said, "Here. Watch and listen." We did. Twice.

Of course we laughed like fools and everybody else at the table stared at us and wondered how they too could have such a good time. We told them they could only have this much fun if their vaginas were 8 miles wide. Hee. Funny song, right?

Given the political climate of this country, I'm not so sure. I totally relate to these lyrics, which I've posted below. I am a vigantic Amazon, and I am too big for some people*.  And maybe some people aren't enough for me. It doesn't hurt to think of it this way. The water's fine but not everybody knows how to swim.

But even if my vagina is 8 miles wide, that doesn't mean just anybody can barge in there. My vagina is by invitation only, and although I have invited a Republican in before, I won't allow the entire political party to take up residence in there. It's not a clown car. In fact, after hearing how eager some political types are to get inside my vagina and crawl right up to my uterus, my vagina slammed shut and posted a guard outside.

Granted, my vagina is getting a bit long in the tooth for the fucking meddlers who want to control my reproductive rights down to the cellular level. But I have a daughter and a granddaughter with 8-mile-wide vaginas too, and I don't want any fucking politicians or religious "leaders" in their vaginas either. Seriously, look at this group? Do they look like they know anything about vaginas ... or cookies for that matter? I don't think so.  They don't look like they understand the vagina at all.

The Penis Panel

My vagina is 8 miles wide, but it's still my vagina. It's that simple. It's mine and so is every organ attached to it. With all the problems we face in this country, why is my vagina so important to those strangers sitting at that table up there? Can't they find some hungry people to feed? Some homeless people to shelter? Why do they want to be all up in my vagina? And yours? And yours.....and yours. Do you want them there?

* No, I don't mean my vagina is too big. I'm into the metaphor here.

8 Miles Wide

All of my life I've never fit
But I won't complain and I won't quit
I am enormous, get used to it
Everyone tells me I'm too much
Maybe it's just you're not enough for me
Can't you see
I'm the kind of the woman I'm supposed to be

My vagina is 8 miles wide
Absolutely everyone can come inside
If you're ever frightened just run and hide
My vagina is 8 miles wide

Tell me what is womanly to you
Strong but not too much of a brute
It's cool if she's powerful
But way better if she's cute
For all of us girls who don't fit in
I say go Amazonian
You can be a kick-ass bruiser and be feminine


Now I am not loose and I'm not a whore
This is a metaphor for
My super vigantastically mystical feminine goddess core
And I hate it when women make that noise
That we don't need daddies, men or boys
Even the hard-core dykes like cock-shaped sex toys

My vagina, it's universal
Like a penis, but reversible
Come on in, the water's fine
It's not my vagina
It's our vagina

[harmony chorus]
[just the boys]

A Big Big Love
A big big love


  1. Oh, how I agree with you ... we absolutely need to protect what we've fought so hard for so our daughters and granddaughters don't have to repeat the process. I go CRAH-ZEE watching clips of this and of the religious right (which are neither) pounding their religious and moral beliefs on the rest of us. They are wrong, wrong, wrong, but I have yet to find a way to articulate to their True Believers.

    1. Welcome back, Debbi.

      It just seems so obvious to me. My vagina is my vagina. Your vagina is your vagina. That guy walking down the street, his penis is his penis. Those men sitting at that table, all of them own their penises. I'm not trying to get all up in their penises. But if I did, every little sperm would count. No more wanking for you guys. Not a drop. How would they like that?

      Oh, it just seems so obvious. Why should we have to explain it?

  2. HA HA HA HA HA HA...I'm sorry. I know your point is political, but I'm still reacting to seeing the video for the first time.

    And yes - those photos of all the men testifying in congress were absolutely, without a doubt, ridiculous.

    1. Welcome, Kelly. I lived in Norman for 3 1/2 years a very long time ago. Got my undergrad at the University of Oklahoma.

      No, I really wanted to share that video first, and then I got off on a rant because I want my vagina to be free and other people want to own it. Notice I rarely write about politics here. But my vagina is personal.