Friday, February 3, 2012

Text Snippet with Elvira: number 457

Make sure you add this to your coma preparedness kit.

Elvira: (in a text) If I fall into a coma, will you be my designated eyebrow plucker?
Me: Yes, but I won’t wax your pubes. Or shave them. Nobody cares if a coma patient looks like a 70’s porn star.
Elvira: That’s OK. Will you fix my *********??
Me: Of course. I’ll do anything except remove your pubes. And I count butt hair as pubes too, so if you have any I’m not plucking them. But I’ll do everything else. How should I do it?
Elvira: Idc. Just wax it or something. You can’t put this part involving my ******* on your blog, btw.
Me: I’m a writer. I have to be true to my art! I hadn’t even thought of blogging about hair removal again, but now I want to. Please?
Elvira: No, you can’t. You can put the first part up but not the ***** part. That’s a secret.
Me: I sacrificed my life for my kids and this is the thanks I get.
Elvira: Will you be my coma face fixer or no? I’m putting it in my living will.
Me: (sobbing a little into my qwerty) You’re too young for a living will. You’re too young to be in a coma.
Elvira: Gotta go.
Me: I love you, baby girl.

A living will? My baby? Fuck me that makes me feel old. I have friends who have chosen me to pull the plug should it come to that, but plucking and waxing my baby girl while she’s in a coma? That’s just morbid. Macabre even. Something you might read in a Stephen King novel.

On the other hand, I’m not surprised Elvira would think first about hair removal. She hates all hair that doesn’t grow out of her scalp and eyelids. She was only three the first time she snuck a razor and shaved all the wee little hairs off her arms. By the time she was seven, we were plotting which one of us might get near enough to LtColEx’s face to guerilla pluck one of his long unruly eyebrow hairs. She’d be most happy if I just dunked her comatose body in a vat of depilatory once a week. Hmmm. That’s not a bad idea. I wonder if insurance covers that….

I should make a living will. What would you want someone to do for you if you were in a coma?

* Comment censored by Elvira, who is more willing to talk about her sex life than her follicles.