Saturday, February 11, 2012

Notes to the Fetish Party planning committee

Elektrotechnique from Lernert & Sander on Vimeo.

I was watching this video when I was struck by a brilliant idea: I'll have my own fetish party! I think I could do at least as well as the club I went to last Friday. I could make a bunch of these fetish sex machines using household appliances -- with the help of my geeky friends* -- and then I could put the machines in stations around my house, yard and garage. Each station would be manned by a volunteer voyeur fetish sex machine operator (fetishwear mandatory) who would be trained in the machine's operation to ensure the safety of the fetish party participants.

And -- tell me this isn't brilliant -- just to make it more interesting, each participant would be given a fetish card with a square that corresponds to each machine. After the party guest experiences the machine, the volunteer voyeur fetish sex machine operator would either apply a sticker on the square or punch a hole in it to show participation. At the end of the night, anyone who used every machine would win a prize! Like furry handcuffs or a puppy ears headband or dirty socks.

I'm so excited! I told Alex I wanted a do-over on that other fetish party, but he wasn't very optimistic. This is the perfect answer! If the club can't satisfy, I'll just fucking do it myself!

I only see a few tiny barriers to the actual realization of this party plan. Tiny, surmountable barriers.

1. I would need to collect several blow dryers and canister vacuum cleaners. I would not be willing to sacrifice my upright Dyson because you never know what I might have to clean up afterwards, and it was really fucking expensive. I think I have most of the rest of what I'd need around the house. If I don't, some of my neighbors don't bother to close their garage doors back there in the alley. I'm sure I could dig around and find what I need.

2. Watermelons aren't in season here in the Midwestern United States right now. However, since scavenging for materials and building the machines would take time, it's not unreasonable to plan a summer fetish party. I don't know how that would affect any potential rubber-suit wearers. If anybody has experience in this matter, please leave me a note in the comments. Also the plastic bag machine is out. That doesn't look safe to me.

3. I predict we would go through a significant number of tissues, paper towels, and potty pads. Do you think it would be unreasonable to charge a minimum cover price at the door or a suggested donation? I could keep expenses down by asking participants to bring a snack to share and BYOB and lube.

4. I don't know what that tube of lipstick is for. No matter how many times I watch this video, I can't figure it out. OK, and I don't know what the big pink balloon does either. I need a match-the-fetish cheat sheet before I start construction.

5. I confess this last one isn't so tiny after all. I don't think I know anybody who has a fetish.* Or at least, nobody has confided a fetish that would correspond to one or more of these machines. I do know a guy who, as a teenager, used to fill a plastic bag with mayonnaise, place it between his mattress and box spring and fuck it. I thought it was a creative way to masturbate. Early pocket pussy. I'm not sure he'd still be interested in doing that, although I intend to ask him if he'd be willing to take a shift as the volunteer voyeur fetish sex machine operator. Otherwise, I'm stumped for friends/acquaintances with fetishes. If I don't come up with guests, maybe I can't do better than the club after all. Sad face.

We'll need invitations, I suppose.

NO! I refuse to give in to pessimism. Chins up, people! These 5 concerns are simply the kind of details you have to work out any time you put together a theme party. Now that I've put my intention out there, the Universe will supply the people and tools I need to achieve my goal. Miss Serendipity, you're on the planning committee now.

You know you want to come! What are you willing to do to help make my our fetish party a huge success?

* If you are willing to help or want to attend, please leave a note in the comments detailing your fetish, your assembly skills, and when you'll be available to help construct the fetish sex machines. Also I lost the reciprocating saw in the divorce. If you have one you're willing to loan, please let me know.


  1. So, like Fetish Bingo?

    My only discernible fetishes aren't really fetishes, so to speak. I mean, they're more "things I'm strangely attracted to". Pregnant women, shower sex, etc. Nothing that could really be built like sex with a Dyson or being hung up with hooks in my testicles *nnnnghhh it hurt even typing that*

    1. OMG. Is there pain involved? I hadn't even considered that!

      You might be better suited to helping operate the more sophisticated machines and making sure the punch is spiked.

    2. PS I missed the fetish bingo. You can be the caller and ball puller. Hee.

  2. I foresee two possible problems:
    1. People who will perform actual sex acts in public while others watch
    2. People to clean the sex machines between users

    However, if you can get a pregnant woman to have sex with strangers in a shower then I know atleast one person will be there.

  3. Sounds like you need to join the committee, Vapor. You obviously have way more experience with this than I do.