Sunday, July 17, 2016

Day 17: Birthday wish list

How rude am I? Here it is just a day before my birthday, and I haven't even given you my birthday list. Why didn't you remind me? I mean, you know you can bring over a box of wine, a bag of Lays potato chips, and a bar of salted dark chocolate. I'll supply the rockers and the porch -- front or back. But just in case you want to branch out, here's my list of gifts that would please Queen Reticula, in no apparent order.

1. Books are always a good idea. I read a lot of children's books to Coraline, but I don't have this one, titled Fuck You, Sun. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that I've read Good Night, Moon at least 2000 times, but it doesn't really speak to this moon child. Also, that whispery old lady kind of creeps me out. Fuck You, Sun fits me much better.

2. If' you're not feeling the literature, how about getting me this remote control flying fuck? How brilliant is this? You want one too, don't you? Next time your boss gets on your ass, how awesome would it be to fly a fuck into his office just before you clean out your desk? I don't have a boss, but I wish I'd had this when I was teaching. I'm pretty sure I could have rigged this baby to fly over and drop a great big red F on .... well, I can't name any names, because that would probably be illegal, but I had students who deserved for me to maneuver my flying fuck over their desks and drop an F-bomb right in their laps. I get shivers of delight just thinking of it. Even though I'm not teaching now (or ever again), I'm pretty sure I have plenty of opportunities outside the classroom when a flying fuck would come in handy.

3. Then again, maybe I just need to chill out with my very own wine sippy cup. I know what you're thinking. A wine sippy cup doesn't seem very sophisticated for someone like me. I get that. But there are people in my life .... and again, I'm not going to mention names .... who like to fill my wine glass while I'm distracted. And then I end up drinking about a gallon of wine, and I can't understand why I fall off the toilet the 6th time I have to pee. Also, it's embarrassing to remember pole dancing on one of my male guests .... umm ... in front of his wife. I'm not going to give up any details, but you'll have to trust me when I say I need to be protected and this wine sippy cup will do the trick. Notice there are 2 in a pack so I can keep one locked and loaded at all times.

4. Changing gears (all puns totally intended), how cool are these bike lights from revolights? I don't ride at night as often as I used to, but any time I ride after dark I always hope some asshole won't look down at his phone while he's playing Pokemon Go and plow into me. I think we all know who would come out ahead in that collision, and it wouldn't be me. The later it is when I ride, the more I worry about being hit, even in the city where it's never really dark. OK, that's a bit of a lie. I don't really worry that much about being hit, but I probably should worry about it. And these lights are cool and rechargeable.

5. For anybody with a literary bone in their body, the Lit Kit has got to be intriguing. This one I'm totally serious about. What a fantastic idea, and why didn't I think of it? The only thing is .... looking at their past kits, I think if I were going to give this as a gift, I'd rather put together my own kit for the person I was giving it to. (Not that I'm here to talk about giving. I'm here to talk about receiving. Take that any way you like.) Certain things they've put in past boxes I really wouldn't appreciate that much, like magnets or postcards or buttons. OK, maybe postcards would be cool. I do like the idea of getting books from authors I might not discover on my own -- if they were excellent authors. And I love the idea of getting a unique journal and a pen, and the prompt calendar (although the one they show seems a little thin), maybe the makings of a handmade journal or a fountain pen or some stickers or stamps would be cool. Maybe because I'm a writer and a reader, not just a reader, I'd be happier with things that challenge me to create.

I do think this is a brilliant idea, and I almost bought myself the mystery box, but the shipping turned me off. I'm pretty cheap or I'd already have all the things on this list.

6. And finally, I saved the best for last. I don't mean to get all mushy, but that list up there .... those are all things I can live without. The real gift is friendship, and I consider all of you who read here regularly friends, even if I don't really know you. I appreciate that you're in my life. I appreciate your support. Many of you are F2F friends who encourage me and mock me and introduce me as the woman who writes about vaginas a lot. Friendship is a gift that doesn't need a birthday or Christmas or any other holiday. So if you really want to get me something for my birthday, come and sit on my porch and we'll drink wine, and you can tell me your stories.

Last week a friend was in town from Colorado, and she made time for some porch sitting. We walked down the alley to the taco truck and got dinner, and then we sat on the porch to eat our yummy authentic Mexican food (fuck your wall, Trump, you fucking oompa loompa) and rocked and drank and caught up, because Facebook isn't the same as talking in person. Never will be. We watched the police go to a neighbor's house and  wondered what that was about. We watched people drive down the street and realize there was a gate at the end. Crow guarded us, and saved us from a guy on a bike who didn't even notice he was almost attacked by a growling 90-pound poodle. It was precious time.

And it was a gift.

On my actual birthday, my friend Colorado (different friend) is coming to town and we're going to do whatever I want. Probably go to dinner and a dress rehearsal for a play and then sit on the porch and drink wine in a bubble of drunken friend-love. Wednesday my DIL Montana is doing a tea party at a local park with a botanical garden for Coraline, whose birthday is 2 days after mine, and me. That night is karaoke, and celebrating another friend's birthday, but before that Maria and I are going to dinner to celebrate mine. And on the weekend my kids will come over -- all of them -- for Dairy Queen ice cream cake. OMG. DQ ice cream cake makes me want to touch myself. Mmmmmm. I've had some shitty birthdays, but this year I'm not dwelling on the past. That's a gift I'll give myself.

Now, that doesn't mean somebody shouldn't get me all of those things on that list. Please do! But I'm not a fucking idiot. I do  know what's important, and while I can order a lot of happiness from Amazon, they don't sell the most important things. If you want to give me the most important thing, clean my house put your butt on one of my rockers and spend some time sitting on my porch. And bring some fucking wine too.

Oscar Wilde


  1. that was a truly excellent porch-sit. thank you :) <3

    1. Any time you're in town, my porch is open. <3

  2. While I can't go back in time to give you a present on your birthday, please accept the cool refreshing waves of love and appreciation that I send to you now.

    1. Awww, thank you. I'll take that any time.