Day 5: A little to the left please

This is what my living room floor looks like right now. And it will still look that way in the morning. Now don't you feel better about yourself?

Also, I bought some sausage gravy and biscuits Lays potato chips when I was out shopping with my daughter Elvira this evening. We tried them, they were OK, and she stuck them behind us on floor of the van. I have absolutely zero anything delicious -- meaning salty and greasy -- in this house to eat with my glass of chardonnay. I know, right? So far I haven't gone out to my van to get those stupid chips. They aren't even that good, and I have a sore on the back of my tongue, but if I were you I wouldn't put your odds on my will power holding out.

It's probably bad enough I'm drinking the chardonnay. You know what they say about people who drink alone. I'm not really drinking alone though. See, I've mounted a mirror right beside me at my computer to keep myself company. Every once in a while I toast with myself and congratulate us for not drinking alone like a couple of big, fat losers. Clink! Somehow, it's the eating potato chips alone that seems like a worse practice anyway. Nothing says loser more than an empty bag of chips you just bought this afternoon.

Hold on ..... I'll be back. I'm going out to the ... I mean, to the ..... I mean, I think the dog's barking out back. Better check.

Bitch, I am right here! Hey, are those chips?

I'm back. Everything is fine. Let's not talk about potato chips. Let's talk about this new app that can allegedly teach a person how to give a woman an orgasm. And, no, this isn't the one I wrote about in the monologue I performed last fall in All the Sex Monologues. That one was worthless. This one might actually work.

(Stolen from
Google Play)

The app, which is sold by a company in Denmark called Lovable Hat Cult, is named La Petite Mort, which means a little death, another name for an orgasm. Because it feels so fucking good you want to die. Although in my experience, it could also mean you're going to die if he (assuming here that women know where the spot is) doesn't find the right fucking spot and stay the fuck on it long enough for la petite mort to happen. Ladies, you know what I mean! (And if you don't, I just might go all Jolene on you and steal your man!)

Anyway, this is an app so unlike a real woman it doesn't have a clitoris. It has pixels. So what you do is you excite the pixels on the screen. And as you're circling and stirring the pixels around with your finger or .... well, I guess you could actually use any part of your body to excite the pixels .... music plays. If you get it right, the music lets you know. And if you get it really right .... if you stir the pixels into the ultimate pixel climax ... if you really kill it, the app rewards you with a satisfying musical climax. Probably something like this.



The game has different "landscapes" so you don't get bored. The company touts the meditative quality of finding the sweet spot and circling ... circling .... building and agitating .... circling as the music builds and guides your finger. I actually think this one sounds kind of cool, so I went to the Google Store to take a look. Apparently Apple won't allow iPhone users to buy it, because it's not family friendly. Whatever. It's not a real pussy, Apple, nor even a facsimile of one.

I, however, could buy this Zen-like experience for the low price of $2.50 in the Google Play Store, and I would have clicked right on that sweet sweet app..... even though, and I feel a digression coming on .... I think we all know I have my own pixels, and circling my pixels eventually brings on a small death that, while it is not accompanied by a musical climax, is nevertheless an experience to die for. And I'll just add, although I don't want to brag, that I've never had any complaints when I've circled anybody else's pixels either, so it's not like I need this app. However, I do know a few people who absolutely do need this app. I'm not naming names, but maybe I should some time just to make sure this app or one like it gets into the right hands, but I digress ....

Anyway, I could download La Petite Mort if my phone weren't several years old (4? .. 5? who knows?) with a memory so tiny it can't remember its own mother. I've had to ditch all but the most necessary apps, and I can't even upgrade Facebook. I can't even play Words with Friends. I can't even upgrade voice mail ....which means, I can't fucking buy the app. I can't buy even a small orgasmic death.

It's not fair. I really wanted to give my phone -- my Android! -- in appreciation of its many years of service, a huge, pixel-shaking, full-orchestra orgasm. Who wouldn't want that?

Fuck it. I'm too depressed to write any more. I really thought this was the one, and yet I can't even give it a decent review.  I can't even get my Android-loving friends together and have contests to see who can make their phones come the fastest. Do you even know how much fun that would be? I know I would win.

Oh, well. Fuck my life, but maybe one of you can download it and tell me what it's like to give an Android an orgasm. It's cutting edge computer fuckery, my friends! Cutting edge.

The company has other apps that look intriguing. All joking aside, if I could I'd try a couple of them out, even if they aren't free. If you do give them a try, let me know what you think in the comments below. I'm disgustingly used to vicarious sex.

Disclaimer #1: I have no affiliation with Lovable Hat Cult. I just wrote this because I was intrigued and I can't stop talking about sex.
Disclaimer #2: I didn't really go to my van and get sausage gravy potato chips. I ate some stale fucking rice crackers instead. All of them. I'm pathetic.