Day 3: Would you like cream with that?

(Photo credit: Adrian Williams)

First, thank you for all the kind comments on Facebook. I'm glad to be writing again, and I'll try not to stay away so long again.


I went to a lovely 4th of July party tonight. We're saddled with intermittent rain here that's supposed to last through the actual 4th, but in spite of the drips the show went on. We watched the fireworks from a 5th-floor loft downtown, and as you can see, the view was perfect.

We also sang karaoke and ate all-American apple pie and red, white, and blue cake that will probably give us all blue poops, but what's the 4th of July without blue poop? I'm actually looking forward to my next poop now.

And finally, the host asked a few actors to entertain the guests with fiery oratory, which is why I was invited. I played Mother Jones, and in my best Irish brogue, gave one of her speeches. She was, and still is, a fascinating woman. In one of her most famous quotations she said, "I'm not a humanitarian. I'm a hell-raiser." That's a woman I would have liked to have spent the 4th of July with. She died at age 100 in 1930. If she were alive today, I like to think we might be voting for her for president this November.

But that's not what's got me fired up tonight. What's got me fired up is this new coffee shop that's going to open up soon  in Geneva, Switzerland. A coffee shop where a cup of coffee costs about $62 because it comes with a .... were you going to guess muffin? Ha! Fuck, no. Were you going to guess the coffee beans were shit by a monkey? Nope, not even that. The coffee costs so much because it comes with a blow job. We're talking "fellatio cafe."

Here's how it works. Say a man wants a cup of joe and a blow. He goes into the fellatio cafe, orders his coffee, and then uses an iPad to choose a woman to give him a blow job. She comes out and sucks his dick while he drinks his coffee and reads the newspaper. Five to ten minutes later, he wipes his dick off mouth, folds his paper, gets up and goes to work. I assume most men don't get their coffee to go from this place.

Remember last night I said I don't write sometimes because so many things piss me off? Well, this pisses me off, and I don't even live in Switzerland. Even though prostitution is legal there, this sounds like a severe infraction of equality.

Why are men the only ones who get coffee and oral sex? Women are far less likely to get orgasms with their partners than men are. Isn't this a service that would benefit women at least as much as it would men. Probably even more?

And yet, it's hard to imagine a roomful of women sitting there drinking a skinny latte with

(Stolen from Google images)

extra foam and reading the newspaper while some strange guy (I'm sticking with the cis theme here, because that's how reports of this cum cafe read so far) licks her lady bits to orgasm. Can you imagine? 

Can you imagine the sounds? The cacaphony of ah .... uh huh ..... aaahhh .... right there .....  don't stop! .... yes .... yes .... YES ... AAAHHHH YEEEESSSSS .... ahhhh.

Mmmm mmmm good. Another satisfied customer.

If the idea were reversed, would I meet a girlfriend at the Muffin Munch Cafe. where we would order our coffee, peruse the men available on the iPad, fight over the cutest one and then agree to flip a coin, pull down our panties and sit back in special lounge chairs with our coffee while the men we'd chosen go to work with their nimble tongues? Maybe get some Asian guy to give us a mani/pedi at the same time? And would we talk about our kids and how much weight we've put on and whether it's better to go low-carb or paleo and what the fuck is she thinking with that hair color? Until .... ah ah ah .... AAAHHHHHHH ....

Would that be weird? 

Fuck, yes, it would be weird, and you know why? Because it's hard to imagine a selection of men sitting in some room waiting around so they can go down on any old pussy who walks in the door and clicks the box beside his photo, all for a 60/40 split with the house. It's demeaning. No matter how much a guy likes burying his face, he's not going to wait in a back room to be ordered off a menu like a burger and fries, hold the onions.

And it's just as hard to imagine a woman walking into a coffee shop and letting some stranger put his mouth on her most sensitive, delicate bits while she drinks a cup of coffee  and updates her calendar. Who the fuck would do that? You don't know where that tongue has been. And how is that even appealing to anybody who's not a sociopath? That's what vibrators are for!

Maybe it's not even my business. Consenting adults and all that. But this sounds like just one more way to objectify women, and frankly, we don't need people coming up with new ways to do that. The old ways are bad enough.

One of the ways bloggers encourage readers to leave comments is to ask a question at the end of a post. Like now I would ask you if you -- female or male -- would buy oral sex with your coffee. And you would post a comment down there in the comment area with your answer.

Don't worry. I won't put you on the spot. But I will ask this question: What the fuck is wrong with people? And isn't Switzerland supposed to be neutral?