Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Day 12: Coralineisms #5

You guys! Only 6 more posts after this one, and I'll have published 600 posts on this blog. 600! That's a lot, right? That's not even the coolest thing. The coolest thing is ..... wait for it ...... my birthday is next week, and unless I choke on a potato chip and die, I will post number 600 on my fucking birthday! No way! Yes way! I couldn't even have planned that shit to happen. I have no idea what I'm going to do on my birthday yet, but publish blog post number 600 is definitely going to happen. I feel like a fucking magician. No, I feel like the Queen of Magicians.

I can't help thinking that's a lot of fucking writing for someone who's never published a book. I say "published a book" because I did have a contract for a book once years ago. The publisher came to me. I wrote the book. I edited the book. (I'm really fucking good at that shit.) I sent it to the publisher on time. And then the publisher just let .... the .... contract .... run ..... out. Yeah. We're not Facebook friends. Whatever. No, not whatever. Might that book have changed my life? Fuck, yes. I would still be getting royalties from it. Can I hold on to that shit? Fuck no. There's no benefit in that. But when people tell me I should write a book, I say I did write a book. And then I got fucked. So now I write some shit for free here on my little blog. But I'm not bitter. Moving on.....

I thought I'd share some Coralineisms again tonight. She'll be celebrating a birthday next week too, 2 days after mine, and she'll be 5 years old already. If I thought my kids grew up fast that was nothing compared to how fast a grandchild grows up. Anyway, I'll stop talking and give her the mic.


Me (cooking some of my paleo banana pancakes): These bananas must be special or something. This batch of pancakes are super big and fluffy.

Coraline: Mmm. A
lmost like a good sheep.


Me: What do you want for lunch?

Coraline: I want you to make me some chocolate soup.

Me: Chocolate soup? I don’t know how to make chocolate soup.

Coraline: Mamá, it’s super easy. You take quite a lot of chocolate and maybe some protein, and you pour it in a bowl. Stir it up. And then you put it in something you cook it in and you cook it for an hour. And then you take it out and all the things will turn something like paper.

Me: Paper?

Coraline: Yes. And then you put in raisins and put it in a bowl.

Me: Another bowl? That’s a lot of dishes to wash.

Coraline: This is the recipe. You just put it in the bowl. And that’s chocolate soup. Just make that next time it’s fancy time or lunch time.

Me: Got it. Just have to observe that you aren’t the one who does dishes around here.

Funny is not silly

Me: Did Uncle Drake duct tape your mittens to the arms of your coat so they wouldn’t come off while you’re sledding? That’s super funny, don’t you think?

Coraline (deadpan): Mama, I don’t really like super-funny things. I’m just silly.  That's all. I guess I was just born that way.

Questions I can't answer

Me: Come here and give me a big hug.

Coraline (puts her head against my chest): Mamá, what if hearts sounded like telephones?

That's not a grownup word

Me: My word for the new year is “focus.” So if I'm doing something and you interrupt me, I might say I need you to wait a minute while I focus.

Coraline: What was it last year?

Me: Last year it was a phrase: “Is that really my business?”

Coraline: Oh. My word for this year is play. That word is just for kids. Sorry.

Me: Fair is fair.

That's my kind of cleaning

Me: I need to start spring cleaning. I’m going to start a list.

Coraline: What’s spring cleaning?

Me: That’s when you open up the windows to let in the warm spring air and clean every single thing in your house.

Coraline: I’m going to start spring dancing. That’s when you dance because it’s spring.

Me: I think I'll join you.


  1. Absolutely precious!

    And yay on the fucking Birthday celebration! You also win the award for using the word "fuck" in a blog at least 600 times!

    1. Probably 6000 if the anybody cared to count. LOL

  2. Hello. Banana pancake does sound good. I found your blog though Blogher writing lab.
    If you fine the time stop on over at my blog and have a cup of coffee.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Dora. I'll return the visit soon!

  3. So... write ANOTHER fucking book. You can do it, I and bunches of other people believe in you.

    1. Thanks for the confidence. I've probably written at least 2 books here. It's not the writing that stymies me as much as the publishing. But it's on my bucket list ....

  4. Sorry...the prologue was unreadable and unmemorable, except for the liberal use of fuck and shit. At least I learned a new word "reticulated." Damn.

    1. I'm curious, do you typically troll blogs just to leave rude comments that offer nothing constructive to the conversation? This is a supportive community of women. If you found the prologue to be "unreadable and unmemorable", then make a constructive suggestion. Don't just vomit your unwelcome opinion and skitter off.