Friday, August 12, 2011


I'm going to tell a story about how I became a crazy cat lady soon, but for today, I just want to introduce Coward, one of my three alley cats. (Not to imply ownership in either direction. My alley cats don't touch me and I don't touch them. We have no loyalty toward each other. I put out food when I feel like it; they eat it when they feel like it. No strings, especially on me. Alley cats have to be tough and resourceful. More on that later.) Here is Coward, one of my alley cats.

But wait, you say. That's not a cat. That's a squirrel.

Yes, it is a squirrel. I can tell the difference, I say. You don't have the whole picture.

Today I put out some Alley Cat brand cat food for Coward, who came up to the back steps and hissed at me when I took out the trash. That's how my cats show affection, so I fed her. And then later when I couldn't finish my lunch, I went back out and gave her some grilled tuna steak. Yes, my three alley cats eat like royalty because I am a queen.

Coward was chowing down the tuna steak as fast as she could like any smart alley cat would ...until this squirrel came down out of the oak tree and decided it wanted the Alley Cat brand cat food she wasn't eating. So Coward, living entirely up to her name, backed away from the bowl and waited for the squirrel to finish eating even though there was fresh tuna steak in the bowl with the dry cat food. Here she is hiding around the corner behind the steps while the squirrel hogs the food. "Really, Coward?" I said. "You hiss at me, the person who gives you food and you step aside with your eyes cast down for this....this....squirrel?" I hope that's shame on her face.

A few minutes later, her sister Linx came by and noticed a squirrel eating from their bowl. Suspecting there might be food there, she hurried across the yard to deal with the interloper and finished both the tuna and the Alley Cat brand cat food. Sorry, Coward. This is why you're the smallest and skinniest of the litter. It's OK to be introverted, but you still have to eat.

The moral of the story: There is no moral to the story, just a fact. Cowards lose. If you don't fight for your tuna steak and your Alley Cat brand cat food, which was given to you with at least some small degree of affection, somebody else will eat it and you won't get more anywhere else. You'll probably end up eating out of a garbage can or licking a fast food wrapper. That's just a fact. Cowards lose.


  1. there wasn't even a fight involved. coward just had to keep eating.

  2. Alley cats don't role like that. They don't eat together. Only one at a time or somebody gets bopped.