Saturday, August 6, 2011

I'd Lick that Vagina

For those of you who like to lick the frosting, I offer you this tutorial on how to make a vagina cupcake. As an owner of a vagina that doesn't look exactly like this cupcake though, I'm compelled to add a short bit of commentary. First, the toasted coconut might not work for you--either visually or palate-wise. One friend who isn't into the coconut pubes suggested chocolate sprinkles. For that 70's look, I think licorice whips, either black or red, but not red, would work. Or to keep up with the times, you might even want to paint on some little red bumps for that just-waxed look.

I'd also suggest reducing the size of that clit, which is technically a clit hood, and adding a little ball of frosting under there. If clits were that big, Cindy would have found hers long before she found her toes. Guys, I know you're thinking it would sure solve a lot of problems if it were that big, but then we might have to call it something else, like a penis.

Not part of a vagina
Aesthetics aside, I also have to take issue with a few anatomical terms the decorator used in this video. Vaginas don't have sidewalls. Car tires have sidewalls. Also, even if you're going to use the word "vagina" as a generic term for the entirety of the female genitalia, you still can't tell viewers to put the clitoris inside the vagina walls. This woman probably shares a fantasy with all too many men that the clitoris is found inside the vagina walls. It is not.* And neither the bladder nor the "bladder area" should be found in or even outside of the vagina. However, the opening to the urethra, yes, can be found there between the sidewalls labia. Why you would include that part on a vagina cupcake though, I don't know. It's not really sexy and don't we all pretend it's not really there during sex? Also I'm not sure what a "you know" is, but it might be better to call whatever it is a "you know" than to try to think up another car part name for it like a carburetor or a tailpipe.

Finally, I don't know about you, but what she was doing with that paintbrush at the end kind of gave me a tickle. I wonder if it made the vagina cupcake feel all shivery too.

OK, I think you're ready to go forth and make some vagina cupcakes. I'm brewing a new batch of milk licker today or I'd have my fondant and cherry-poppin'-red food coloring out already. If you do make vagina cupcakes, please remember to share. Photos, I mean. Remember to share photos.

* To learn more about how to find a clitoris, please subscribe to the Reticulated Porn blog, a bargain for the low, low price of $39.95.


  1. That was educational. "Sidewalls" is my new term of choice for labia majora. I refuse to say "bladder area" since that is way off and on a different part of the map. I don't get persnickety re: vulva vs vagina, either. But I totally love sidewalls. :D Gonna drive this baby all around town!

  2. My clit (hood and all) is that big. Just sayin'. ;-)

    Oh, and if you count the part that's all tucked up inside, known as "female erectile tissue," our junk is comparable in size his junk. Of course, that would be kinda more than a cupcake could handle, huh?


  3. huh.

    How 'bout if I just call my va'jay jay a "cupcake" and tell people to eat it?


  4. Ginny, I can hear your engine revving from here. Love a woman with a V-8 under her hood.

    Jen, you're bragging about the size of your penis? Really? I wanna see.

    Chrysalis, mmmmmm. Cupcake. Is it better than a cookie?

  5. I love the vagina, but I'm having a difficult time deciding when I would serve vagina cupcakes? When my now 14 year old daughter was 3, I would ask her to name her favorite food.

    She would always answer, "cake."

    I'd then ask, "what if there was no more cake in the world?" She'd reply, "that's okay, I'd eat cupcakes."

    From this day forward, I agree with Chrysalis. I am going to refer to my va'jay jay as my "cupcake"!!

  6. That's a great idea, Idiot Mom! You can put a candle on it. Get it? Candle it?

    I also think the vagina cupcake fits perfectly with our new business idea: Paps and Weddings. Just think about it. It's perfect. Wedding cupcakes that look like vaginas. We're going to get rich I tell ya!

    Let them eat cupcakes!