Friday, August 26, 2011

Tiny Spoons

Tiny Measuring Spoons
Are these the cutest, tiniest measuring spoons you've ever seen? They measure 1/4, 1/8, 1/16, and 1/32 of a teaspoon, but the labels on the handles read tad, dash, pinch, and smidgen. Adorable!

I'm a good cook so I can measure a tad, a dash, a pinch, or a smidgen with my fingers. But Chicken Grrrl and I were making cheese last week--mozzarella and ricotta, OMG, you should taste it. so yummy--and I decided I needed a set just because they're so fucking cute for making cheese, because cheese recipes call for tiny amounts of things like cow stomach enzymes and....well, I don't even know what some of that other stuff is. It's only used in tiny amounts though.

I wasn't sure where to get them though so I told Chicken Grrrl I supposed when I got home I'd have to ask The Drug Dealer Down the Street. Some people use tiny spoons to snort tiny amounts of drugs into their noses. I've seen it in movies. I figured he'd know where to get those tiny spoons and maybe even some tiny vials to keep small amounts of cow gut juice.

I'm kind of annoyed at the drug dealer down the street, whom I call Snoop Dog, though. He's not always very polite. First, he has back-up beepers on his Suburban and he comes and goes at all hours
of the day and night. He always backs down the street from the corner, so he makes this annoying beep, beep, beep ....... at least 15 times a night. It's ridiculous how maddening that sound is, but I heard through the grapevine other neighbors complained about it at a neighborhood meeting.

He also likes to think that end of the street belongs to him, but since there's a gate across my end, I have to turn the corner at his end to get to my house. He hangs out in the street, which is wide enough for me to turn my van around in. In the evenings, he leads lots of prayer meetings people drive up and sit in their idling cars talking to him. Sometimes he and his friends just stand out there in the street and socialize. I don't mind that. I actually like people socializing in the street, and do it myself sometimes. What I do mind is that they don't like to get out of the way and let me go home.

The first time it happened I was on my way home at about 2:30 am. I was feeling a nice, warm glow and I wasn't looking for trouble. As I turned the corner, I saw Snoop Dog standing in the middle of the street, facing the corner I'd just turned. Just standing there by himself in the middle of the street. He could barely lift his head--and it wasn't because he's got lots of braids and he's so thin I really doubt he eats enough--but when he did, his eyes glowed red like someone in a Stephen King novel who will die soon or a Halloween store novelty item. Not an attractive look.

I slowed down, but I didn't stop. I just crept toward him in my mini van, the epitome of cool, and he just stood there, his red eyes glaring at me. I kept creeping along, my house in sight on the other side of the crazy son of a bitch. Finally when I was about a yard from him, he moved off to the side and leaned against his truck, still staring with those fun red eyes. I drove on, turned around and parked in front of my house. I was a little scared to get out of my van because I couldn't see him, and I wished I still had a big dog waiting in my house for me. But I got out and quickly walked to my house and went in, locking up behind me.

It happened in minor ways a couple more times. And then it happened one night when I wasn't driving; my date was. One of his friends was parked in the middle of the street and Snoop Dog and 5-6 other guys were talking to him and leaning against other cars. We pulled around the corner. They looked up at us and then just ignored us. We sat there. They glanced over now and then, but the car didn't move. I said something like, "Don't worry. They're just posturing. They'll move." I was thinking, He'll probably never pick me up for a date again. Fucking drug dealers. Finally, just as I was about to get out of the car and tell Snoop Dog I really had to pee (which was true) so could he please let me through to my house have a stern talk with Snoop Dog,  he leaned in and said something to the driver of the car, who slowly pulled his car over to the side of the street. We passed and went on to my house.

I didn't go down and talk to Snoop Dog  but I did tell Melvin, the former drug dealer and active alcoholic who lives across the street and is in love with me, what had happened. I told him that shit had to stop because we really do live on a safe street and it gives an impression of our little neighborhood here we don't want to give. Because it really is a nice street, mostly families and a few singles like me. Hell, we even have a daycare and a resident gay couple. I think Melvin talked to Snoop Dog because he and his friends didn't get in front of me like that again....until the other night.

I was coming home from one of my adventures and turned the corner to find Snoop Dog talking to someone idling in a car in the middle of the street. I stopped and waited. The street was clear for the guy in the car to pull over and park on either side. Snoop Dog smacked the roof of the car and walked up to his house. The driver then did something totally illogical. He put the car into reverse and started to back up. He expected me to back around the corner and let him out. Not this time, asshole, I thought. I just sat there. He backed up some more. I sat. He backed up. I sat. He was about two feet from my front bumper. Finally he put his car in drive and pulled over to the side of the street like he should have in the first place. I drove on by, turned around and parked in front of my house. The guy in the car backed out to the corner, did a K turn, and sat there under the street light giving me the fish eye for a few seconds. Fuck him.

Oh yeah. Tiny spoons. I found some and ordered them from New England Cheesemaking. Aren't they adorable? I still don't know where junkies get theirs.


  1. We have people going to buy drugs from the dealer parking in front of our driveway. It's usually when I get home but one time I needed to go somewhere and sure as shit I was parked in. I went to the drug dealers door and knocked with a little anxiety. When he answered I calmly leaned in,looked at the eight or so people and said "Does someone own this red piece of shit blocking my driveway?" Everyone bust out laughing and pointed at a woman who followed me down and moved the car.

    On another note,my wife has a very small mortar and pestle that I still don't know what she uses for.

  2. Ballsy move, Vapor. Humor diffusion works with most people though.

    As for that mortar and pestle....I have no idea what it could be used for. None at all. I know nothing. Nothing. Women have their secrets though and men should not try to learn them.