Getting Back in the Saddle

I thought I'd follow up on my post about my bike wreck. Because the headache has continued to linger, I went in yesterday and saw cute, young doctor--so young he's still a captain. As my MD Facebook friend already had, he diagnosed a mild concussion. He said there wasn't anything more I could do than what I had been, and that the headache should be gone in a week or so.

I said, "What I really want to know is if I can get back on my bike."
He said, "Yes, as long as your head just hurts and you're not feeling dizzy. Just don't hit your head again. And wear your helmet."
"I will. So, no restrictions?"
"You can do anything that's normal for you."
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My internal editor went into overdrive. What could this youngster possibly know? "Did you just read something in my records that incriminated me?" I asked.
"Ha! No, nothing about what's normal for you in your records."
"That's a relief. Thanks, captain."
"Have fun."

So A Man Called Horse, who has been almost patiently waiting for my brain to heal, and I are going out on the bike path tonight. And....I'm feeling a little tentative. OK, I'm a little scared. I don't want to hurt my brain again, even though this time it was so minor I'm not sure why I'm even writing about it. I'm really not a big pussy, but I really value my brain. It's always been my best feature. I've never been pretty or nimble or physically impressive, but I have always been one of the smart kids.

I did buy a new helmet though, one just like my old one. It matches my bike perfectly. When I picked up my old helmet to throw it away today, I noticed what I hadn't seen that night I wrecked. My helmet was damaged after all. It's dented and ripply right where my head hit the ground. I guess maybe it did save me some trouble after all. I was more worried about my wrists.

The worst thing isn't the lingering headache though, and helmets don't cost that much. The worst thing is that I don't feel fearless about riding my bike any more. I don't feel like flying. Maybe once I get out there, I will. It's just like with so many things though: you can be going along all happy and strong and confident and even a little crazy....and then you hit a bump, get a whack up the side of the head, and those good feelings just fly away, leaving only reality behind.

Sometimes I can get back in the saddle after a fall (going metaphorical for two sentences here). Sometimes I can't. I paid too much for my bike--did I tell you I got a new bike?--to not get back on that saddle though. And I was loving riding it too much to not get back on the saddle again. And I'll give in to some things, but I don't like giving in to fear. More on that later.