Just a Tiny Rant About Liars

I hate liars so much I'm using clip art, which I also hate.

I hope you will all indulge me in a tiny, non-specific rant or better yet, just drink a cup of coffee and wait for the next funny or sexy post. Here's a break so you can do that if you want.


I need to say something tonight, and I'm going to be maddeningly general. What I need to say is that I hate lies. Hate them. I don't mean those little white lies we all tell sometimes so we don't hurt someone's feelings. The wedding was lovely. I especially liked the....well, it was just lovely.  Or even the occasional lies we tell to make life a little smoother. Cough. Cough. I can't come in today because I promised I'd take the family to the amusement park the first sunny day I think I have bronchitis. Probably need to go to the doctor. Cough. Cough. Those don't really bother me. The kind of lies I hate go deeper; they're damaging to the core, and they're either intended to hurt or the liar doesn't care about the effect. Either way....I guess I'll even go so far as to say, I hate liars.*

It's the lies people tell--whether the spoken ones or the withholding kind--to manipulate other people--usually people they claim to love or at least like--into thinking they're someone they aren't that make me hate liars. Now, I've been studying sociopaths this summer, so I know there's this entire group of people out there who lie because that's their nature. Like spiders spin webs. Or ducks swim. Sociopaths are more common than most people think, and they manage to hide among normal people. They aren't all Dexter or Jeffrey Dahmer or Dick Chaney. Hell, maybe they aren't all men. Some manage to function well enough to fit in, but once you spot one, you can expect the lying. And the emotional unavailability, the using, the grand impressions they have of themselves, their self-centeredness, their lack of guilt over the way they hurt people, and a whole lot of other traits, including a kind of appealing slick, smooth charm, of which the lying just seems inevitable. I may write more about sociopaths later. They're interesting, but ultimately depressing, and they don't ever change because....well, no remorse = no change. And I know hate is a strong word, but I hate them. Kind of like I hate a tornado or the common cold. They don't have feelings other than occasional annoyance, so I don't feel bad saying that. I hate them.

I think I might hate even more those liars whose lives are a lie and sociopathy isn't an excuse. The ones who pretend to be one thing, but are really someone else. The ones who act their way through life. Different from the sociopaths because they do have consciences. They don't lie because they lack guilt. They lie because they're too cowardly to live their lives in the open. They lie because they fear, or even know, people would leave them if they knew the truth they're hiding. They lie so they can get what they want from people, pretend to build mutual relationships with others, even though they're unwilling to be authentic and honest themselves.

These liars are almost worse than the sociopaths because they know how much they hurt people. They've been hurt themselves in some way too, and they know they're hurting other people. They're just too cowardly and immature to stop lying and take the consequences of being authentic. And the consequences might be that they don't get what they want from other people--be it friendship or brotherly love or even intimacy-- or that people will leave them. Because sometimes when you're honest, people do leave you, and that's a fact, so what's a person who wants to be liked or loved do? Well, liars lie.

Oh, they tell themselves lies too. They tell themselves they're lying so someone else doesn't get hurt. They're saving someone else's feelings with the noblest of intentions. Or even that the other person will be better off not knowing. Of course, that's bullshit, but that's what they tell themselves. Or they tell themselves it will just be for a little while, until the time is right to tell the truth. Or they can persuade themselves it's not such a big deal, and everybody lies sometimes, right? The truth is they're always lying to save their own asses, not to protect anybody else.

And the funny thing is, they really don't understand it when some people see through their lies, their inauthentic ways of being in relationships, and don't like them. They don't understand when people who should like them don't, because the lies are supposed to make people like, or even love them. The lies are supposed to keep them out of trouble. So they're hurt because they've lied, which works with other people, and they've run into someone from whom they can't buy love, or even like, with a lie, so they're still in trouble. And since they're lying to themselves too .... well, they can't think how to fix the problem so the problem must be with the person who doesn't like them. Yeah, it's convoluted, but it's true. And it's quite a quandary because if the lies don't work, and they don't believe who they really are is likeable or loveable, then what's a liar to do?

Of course, they continue to lie to other people too. And eventually the people who have believed their lies find out and are hurt just that much worse, because not only did they believe something that wasn't true or that the liar was someone he really isn't, they also feel stupid and hurt because they believed the lie. They trusted the liar. They thought they knew the liar....and suddenly, not only do they have to deal with the lie, they have to deal with losing someone they thought they knew. But didn't. There's no other way to look at it, liars hurt.

And I have to admit, since I'm on this rant, that I am unfortunately too trusting. I too often believe people are doing their best. I too often look past obvious character flaws, questionable behavior, billowing red flags, because I don't believe anybody is perfect. I'm not even looking for perfect people in my life. And I hate to give up on people, because I hate the idea of people giving up on me. So even though I'm incredibly empathic and I fucking know when people are lying, I forgive them. I make excuses for them. I wait until the situation is unmanageable before I call them out on the lies. I believe if I just do everything right, things will change. ... Yes, I did just describe a classic co-dependent. People--and not just liars, but especially liars--like us for just who we are though: really nice people who give until it hurts.

But I need to get over being such a nice, malleable sucker. Being nice and authentic and forgiving isn't working for me. I should have gotten over it years ago, but I still keep handing out second chances like a firefighter hands out candy at a parade. Maya Angelou said, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."** I never do. I always believe there's somebody in there who's trying just as hard as I am. And it's not fucking true. Even, for example, tonight when a friend told me, "Surely you knew he wasn't real. It's so obvious. You never see behind his false front." And I said, "Well, yes, but I think I got behind that to the real person..." Oh, the pity on her face as she shook her head. See, I knew, but I lied to myself just like he was. And that's just one!

Here's the bottom line: the liars of the world don't care if they hurt other people. They don't care about broader issues like ethics or morality, although they may think they do. They only care about getting what they consider their needs and wants met.

It's hard for me to say I hate them, because the truth is I often feel sorry for them. I can see they're so afraid they're not good enough. They're so afraid somebody will see the skinny, pimply girl who was never asked to a dance, or the overweight kid who couldn't make the football team or even the homecoming queen who got pregnant and had an abortion ... they're so afraid they're still that unlovable person that they can't take a chance on being real. For similar reasons of my own, I have to constantly check myself for authenticity because of my own insecurities .... and see, sometimes I fail too. So I don't judge when I should.

What I need to do though is to stop giving people so many chances. My friend the Hot Italian tells me I teach people how to treat me. I teach them by lowering the bar to allow for their weaknesses. Part of my journey through this life is to learn how to be the empathic, compassionate person I am and must be, and still protect myself from the liars. And lately, I'm tired. It may not be true that there are more of them than there are of us, but they cause so much more unhappiness it makes them seem bigger. And stronger.

OK, that's over. If you read this far, you're probably a masochist. See my dungeon post. If you're wondering if ranting made me feel better, the answer is no. Liars will still be cowards and users and I can't write that problem out of existence. I can only focus on my own quest for authenticity. Just my own. And although writing is often good therapy, sometimes it just keeps the plates spinning. So the rant didn't really accomplish anything unless one of you gets something from reading it. I think I'll try sleep next.

* I'm not really a hater as I hope you can tell if you've read anything else here, but I'm pretty furious tonight about a couple of different situations. And redheads burn hot. It's a fact. I'm slow to catch, but when I do....it's not pretty. And the funny thing is, there are liars on the edges of my life who will think this is about them....and it's general enough that it probably is, but maybe I gave up and I really don't give a shit any more so it's not.

** I didn't write those pronouns. I just quoted them.