Monday, August 8, 2011

Say Vagina and They Will Come

Wow! You guys really like your vagina cupcakes, don't you? Oh, you didn't know I could track your appetites through my handy little Blogger stats counter? Well, I can. Although Blogger's stats counter is relatively unsophisticated compared to others like Google Analytics and Site Meter, it's kind of fun to compulsively refresh 500 times a day occasionally glance at. I can see things like the number of page visits for certain posts, traffic sources (referring page and keywords), audience (by country or by browser + operating system). It's really pretty boring because it's anonymous information and I don't care that much whether my readers use Firefox or Chrome, Windows or Linux. But this weekend, I've had a couple of surprises that may relate to my recent content or may be a reflection of the specialness of my readership. You tell me.

The first surprise is how many people viewed "I'd Lick that Vagina." The numbers are still coming in, but so far it's slid ahead of almost all the others to become my second most popular post. Already. The only post that's had more hits--and it's way ahead--is ironically one about a cookie, Proust's madeleine, because it gets lots of hits. Evidently not many people have written about Proust's madeleine, so my post comes up on the Google short list.  Now that I know how delicious you find it, my plan is to put the word "vagina" in the title of every post from now on. (To be honest, it doesn't hurt that a couple of people reposted on Facebook, and I seriously do thank you for that.)

Another thing that shocked me--shocked me!--this weekend was when I glanced at the operating systems stats and saw that somebody visited my blog using a Symbian/3. Only I didn't see Symbian/3; I saw Sybian/3. What the self-pleasuring fuck? I thought. Somebody rode into my blogsite on a dildo machine? Pump it up! This is some brilliant technology!  Talk about the ultimate operating system!

Sybian Operating System
And then I thought,This must be the advanced model, the deluxe edition Sybian. You know, the basic Sybian gets you simple up and down action plus vibration. Then with Sybian/2, you get improvements like....oh, I don't know, maybe a TV attached to it, like the treadmills and elliptical machines at the gym. And then maybe Sybian/2.1 would offer a DVD player or even a blu ray. And Sybian/2.5.7 would be the home theater edition. And then you've got Sybian/3, which is like a smart phone, only it's a smart mechanical and digital (digital as in computers, you with the filthy mind) dildo* with an internet connection so you can read your email and text and visit my blog while you....exercise. And think of the apps you could get....candlelight, sweet talk, soft music, hard music, spanks, Eric Northman slllliiiidddeeeshow..... And on Sybian/3.4, you could get a webcam to use with your out-of-town voyeurs. Seriously, I can't imagine why nobody has ridden into Reticutown on one of these before. I'd buy one myself! Giddyup!

Yes, all of this went through my head before I thought....surely not. Is the wine bottle empty already? So I looked again and saw the very small "m." Symbian. Oh. Nevermind. It's a damn cell phone. That's not sexy. I'm pretty sure Nokia means "not sexy" in Japanese. So, I'm sorry to report that you can't get to the Reticulated Writer on a Sybian.** Yes, I was disappointed too. I do apologize if you got excited because I was too and now....well, no Sybian ride for me. It's the story of my life.

However, you can find my blog through any number of keywords, which is one more little clue to my readership the stat counter gives me. Most of my readers get here through Facebook or come directly in, but some (surely not anybody who's reading this post) are probably sitting home eating crayons and talking to their plastic dolls when they're not looking for me in cyberspace. Here, in no particular order, is a list of keyword searches that brought people here in the past week:
  • squid has huge penis
  • he spanked me
  • wife nipple breast torture stories
  • argument anything i say is a problem
  • my cute little red haired girl poem
  • write about when something unexpected happened
  • "my pasties" breasts
  • inserting things in vagaina and fuking vagaina and dildo fuki  (I can't make this shit up)
  • baby stool smells like sour milk
  • guys in bike shorts
  • girls wearing pasties
  • comfy junk on bike ride
  • cycle shorts poop   (don't know if it smells like sour milk; don't care)
  • picture of fat lady in pasties
  • writers who rode their bycicles
  • hw to put something into ur vagina
  • how to tuck your junk in bicycle shorts   (not to be confused with tucking something into your vagina)
  • squid penis missile
  • you can win an argument, but you may lose the battle.
Well now. This is one way I get attention, and yet I feel so slutty sometimes. I do not own the copyright on these words, so I dare anybody to make a found poem with that list of starters. Or just choose five of them. I double dog dare you. I triple dog dare you.

So that's what I know about you, dear readers, from using my Blogger stats counter. If you want to either clear up any mysteries created by that list of keywords or redeem yourselves to the world....well, I really have nothing to suggest. I do read all comments though, so if there's anything you want to it there. Until next time...

*Yes, this is the third week in a row I've written dildo in a post. I don't think I can keep this up though. It's hard.
**However, you can read more about Sybians at the Reticulated Porn blogsite for the low, low monthly price of only $39.95, tax included.***
*** You know that's a joke, right?

Editorial comment: My stats do not show me who clicks on the buttons below. If you clicked "call me" and you want me to call, you have to leave or send me your number. Don't tease the blogger. If you want me to call you so we can discuss riding a Sybian, you should definitely call me today. (Disclaimer: I will write about almost anything and sometimes I take photos so be forewarned.)


  1. Oh you KNOW there is gonna be a dildo with internet access ANY day now!


  2. so how many hits did it get you?

  3. Never enough, because I always want more! In fact, those were my first words, spoken when I was merely three months old: "I want more!"