An early Christmas list for the men in my life

Day 2 of not writing about sex finds me shopping early for Christmas presents for the men in my life. Last year I bought them ties. They were a hit, although I haven't actually seen anybody wearing one.

This year I'm making my list early so I can narrow it down to the one perfect gift for all the men in my life.

First on the list is a goatee shaving template. And yes, I would get this for all of them, because this is so cool once they have one, they will want a goatee.

Wouldn't it be neat if this had a revolving
set of affirmations, written backwards
so they could be read in the mirror?

And because I am a fan of the goatee. Not kidding. I am. They make men's faces look thinner. I wish I could grow a goatee on my stomach.

Anyway, doesn't this gadget looks like one of those gifts a guy wouldn't know he wanted, but once he got it, he'd want to get on his knees in front of the woman who bought it for him and thank her in any way that is not sexual because I'm not writing about sex? Yes, it does!

But I'm not done with my list. As I was perusing the reviews for the goatee shaving template, I noticed a collection of the items people who looked at the goatee template also looked at. Thank you, Amazon, for doing the work for me.

Next on the list is a ninja grappling hook, which I think any man with or without a goatee would appreciate. As would a ninja, and you never know when I might meet one. Who would, of course, be married.

I can imagine so many uses for this baby, I don't even want to start listing them.

Keep one in your car and your office.

And what man doesn't need an inkless black pen? Unfortunately, probably one who wants to keep his brain cells. This pencil doesn't use ink to make marks on paper because it uses .... wait for it ..... lead. Not graphite, but lead. Which might only be dangerous if you lick the paper after you write, but I'm not sure I'd want to take a chance. I crossed this one off my list of potential Christmas gifts. For $33.90, I'll just buy a pencil.

What the hell is wrong with ink anyway?

And the last possible gift on my list is one I want someone to buy for me  any man would love -- as long as he's not a vegetarian. It's skillet bacon spread. Oh, don't you wish you'd thought of this yourself?

Move over Nutella.

I admit I'm a little leery of the disclaimer the company put on the Amazon page. It says, "Actual product packaging and materials may contain more and different information than what is shown on our website. We recommend that you do not rely solely on the information presented and that you always read labels, warnings, and directions before using or consuming a product."

Oh.

I don't know what that means. So I should not believe what I read on their website, but I should instead go ahead and buy the bacon spread and then believe what's on the label? Who does that?

OK, I see one of the ingredients is fairy dust. It all makes perfect sense now. So unpredictable, the fairy dust.

Nevertheless, raise your hand if you'd like to try this stuff, disclaimer or no disclaimer. I see a bunch of hands going up.

Just remember, if you're a man and I know you and I might buy you a Christmas present, you'd better be naughty and nice if you want some of this yummy skillet bacon lube spread. Or a goatee template. Or a ninja grappling hook.

What's on your Christmas list? It's June. Better get on it!