Cunningly poisonous

Poison lips postcard from zazzle.com

Let's start the month with a vagina story, shall we?

So this Brazilian guy started to perform cunnilingus on his wife, but he noticed her vagina had an unusual odor emanating from it. Because he didn't want to put his nose any closer to that nasty smell Concerned for her well being, he grabbed some Febreeze and dowsed her crotch  took her to the hospital. Once there, she admitted the odor came from some unnamed poison she had put in her vagina in order to kill him. In fact, she put in enough of the poison to kill both of them, but I assume that wasn't her intention.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't assume the intentions of someone who is obviously that fucking stupid.

First, why, if she had put poison in her vagina, did she let her husband take her to the hospital where she would certainly be busted? Couldn't she have come up with some excuse for the smell? Some diversion, perhaps? I can think of several. Certainly if I'd been planning a murder, I would have had a cunt-ingency plan just on the small chance my poisoned vag was discovered. In fact, I would have had several ways out.

1. Medical excuse: "Oh, sorry, honey. I forgot all about that itchy yeast infection. How about I give you a blow job instead and then I'll take myself to the emergency room after you fall asleep. Now give me that yummy cock, you naughty boy."

2. Chagrine: "Oh, dear. I'm so embarrassed. I ate a tuna fish and asparagus sandwich for lunch. How about instead I give you a blow job .... "

3. Deflection: "Smell? Smell? What smell are you talking about? Are you having an affair?"

4. Narcissism: "What do you mean my pussy smells funny? You mean it smells bad? Are you saying my pussy smells bad? You just want a blow job, don't you? It's always you, you, you. Nothing is ever about me. Well, if you want to smell something funky, you can kiss my ass."

5. Tears: (sob) "You don't love me any more! You used to love the smell of my vagina and now .... sob ... sob .... sob." Exit to the bathroom to douche.

6. Retreat: "Oh, how embarrassing. Excuse me while I go douche. Back in a sec."

7. Domination: "You lick that pussy right now and you like it, buster. Go on, lick it or you'll feel the heel of my stiletto pressing on your face. Don't make me get out my whip ... "

I could probably go on all night about how stupid this woman is. C'mon! If you're going to be a murderer, surely you can lie a little too!

But she's not only stupid because she didn't have a backup plan. She was stupid because she tried to kill him using her vagina.

It's not that vaginas aren't sometimes used for purposes other than a baby exit or a tampon port or a wiener hugger. Vaginas have been used for smuggling drugs, spices, or small animals into the country for centuries. One woman who was recently in the news was carrying a small handgun in her vagina.

Women have soaked tampons in vodka and gotten drunk. They've .... I don't know. I'm not very creative when it comes to alt uses for the vagina; I'm sure there are more if I wanted to think that hard about it.

But a poison-delivery system? Of all the ways available to poison her husband, this is the best she could come up with? She couldn't slip a little anti-freeze into his Jello? Or crush up some barbiturates and put them in his bourbon? Maybe let some canned green beans go bad and mix some botulism into his dinner? A little arsenic in the warm milk he drinks before bed?

There are a thousand ways she could have killed him other than putting poison in her vagina and trying to get one last cookie before her husband died.

I can just imagine him losing consciousness down there, and her slapping him with her thighs. "Hey! Wake up! You can't die until I come, you selfish bastard."

And what kind of poison did she use? Did she spray some Raid up in there? Stick in some of those rat poison crystals? An anti-freeze douche? What kind of poison would lend itself to vagina-to-tongue delivery? Nobody is telling. Probably afraid of copycats.

And finally, did she discuss this with anybody first? I swear, no woman does something like this without running it by at least 3 people. So she had to have told someone and gotten advice. Bad advice.

Because I'm trying to imagine one of my friends coming to me and saying, "I've had it! That bastard has treated me like shit for 15 years, and now he wants to divorce me. (He had recently told her he was going to divorce her.) I swear I'm going to kill him. I'm going to put poison in my vagina and make him eat me until he dies."

My reply would be .....   ......  crickets ...... ...... blink ... blink .... "You're kidding, right? Surely we can come up with a better plan than that. Of course you can't kill your husband. Are you crazy?"

This whole thing just reeks of stupid. I don't even know why I'm writing about it.

Oh, yeah. Vagina! What a sorry use for a vagina. Vaginas should only be used for good. Vaginas should never be used for evil. Find other ways to commit murder.