Saturday, June 8, 2013


My dear readers, I'm in a bit of a bind. The clock is closing in on 4:00 am, and my day can't end without my writing a blog post here. In addition, I promised on my Facebook wall that I would not write about sex for at least 3 days. Normally, I would just write about .... ummmm .... something else, but it seems some readers don't believe I can go that long without it, so I must prove I can write about things other than sex.

And yet, damn it, I really wanted to write about an unusual sex aid I picked up out of a box of freebies when my daughter Elvira and I were out perusing some neighborhood garage sales this afternoon. Yes, I found myself a sex aid as I was pushing Coraline's stroller and walking beside Elvira. But nevermind. This post isn't about sex.

Instead, I'm going to quickly show you the amazing framed print we found and fought over. Elvira won that one, but she had to carry the framed print for a couple of miles after she bought it, and she didn't get the sex aid, although I would let her borrow it because I'm a generous mom like that and mothers should share their sex aids with their daughters. But I can't talk about that because of my self-imposed moratorium on writing about sex and sex aids. So I will talk about art.

Here is the print.

We both saw it hanging on a fence and remarked at the complex subject matter. But then Elvira said, "Oh my god, Mommers, why did he paint that ugly baby?"

"It certainly doesn't look like your typical subject for an oil painting," I observed trying to ignore the ugly baby remark even though I too had no idea why someone would paint an ugly baby and then why that print would become famous enough to be sold in a garage sale many years later. Life is full of mysteries.

After Elvira negotiated a price of $3.00 for the painting, we walked on down the street.

"Mommers, I didn't want to say anything in front of that woman," she said, "but I don't think that's an ugly baby. I think that's a midget. But I didn't want to say it in case midget was the wrong word and she would be offended."

"I think you're right," I said. "And I applaud your tact. Usually you don't give a shit which minority you're offending. And anyway, she wasn't a midget."

"True," she said. "So I wonder why the artist would paint a midget into his painting. Isn't that weird?"

"I don't know," I said, "but look at this cool sex aid in this box of free stuff. Too bad I can't write about it on my blog tonight after I get home from Grogolingus's birthday party."

The painting, in case you're curious, is titled Las Meninas, and Diego Velázquez painted it. There are actually 2 dwarfs in the painting. If you want to know more, you can read Wikipedia just as easily as I can. Just click the link.

And if you want to know what the artist looks like, that's him in his own painting .... where he is .... just painting. Seems like the height of narcissism to me, but I didn't paint a painting that's being sold at a garage sale over 350 years later. What the hell do I know?

I have no idea what that expression means, but I suspect he's thinking, "Fuck you. I have 2 dwarfs and a big fucking dog in my painting. What have you painted that's lasted 350 years?"

The answer is, of course, nothing. Well done, Mr. Velázquez. I do not expect anybody will be reading my blog 350 years from now. Maybe I should write more about dwarfs and less about sex.

How about you! Any great garage sale finds this summer? Any dwarfs? Sex aids? Anything?

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