Monday, November 3, 2014

Alt uses for headless fish

My son Drake, like most young men of his generation, likes to roam around the interwebs on his phone. And sometimes he'll send me interesting tidbits or funny memes or even porn. Like this video he recently sent me of a dolphin masturbating with a headless fish, which is .... I probably don't have to tell you, but let's be clear .... dead. Dead fish dolphin porn. That's how much my son loves me. Watch it!

OK, confession time. He really sent me one that has a soundtrack from an Italian cop movie from the 70's, but I liked Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" better. If you're wondering how many times I watched this dolphin masturbate with a headless fish corpse before I decided, you'll just have to wonder. I'm not confessing that.

I tried to find out one didn't say the dolphin was "self masturbating," because duh fucking duh! By definition masturbation is done by the "self." At this point, the fish has little to say about how the any other creature abuses its ghoulish remains. It's nothing but an oceanic pocket pussy.

We don't get much context for this act of fish-flogging, but can't you imagine a voice-over of a
motherly voice saying, "Flipper, what are you doing? You've been in the bathroom for hours! And why is this door locked? I'm going to tell your father when he gets home ...."

OK, it didn't take hours, but didn't it seem like it? This is the longest 45 seconds of video I've ever watched, in spite of the face-splitting grin the dolphin is wearing as it pumps away inside those grisly remains with its chopstick.

Eh, boys will be boys, right? Whether they live on land or in the sea. Don't you have to wonder if this is one reason our ancient evolutionary ancestors pulled themselves out of the soupy sea and eventually grew arms and hands? Just so we wouldn't have to pound the flounder with the bony carcasses of dead fish? It makes as much sense as any other theory, and as far as I know, it hasn't been disproved.

Hope you enjoyed the movie! Next time the popcorn is on me.

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