Thursday, November 13, 2014

And you thought your vagina was weird .... NSFW?

I know it's not vagina Sunday yet, but it is my blog and tonight is a vagina night. But not a human vagina night, because haven't you ever wondered about the vaginas of the other species on this planet? I mean, they don't walk on two legs and have opposable thumbs, so it's possible there are other differences. And it's not as if vaginas are right out there where we can all see and compare them.

It's no secret I think and talk and write a lot about vaginas. I wonder about vaginas, those mysterious gateways to life. We've all been in one, each and every one of us -- head-first if we were lucky.

Did you know kangaroos have 3 vaginas? A faithful reader sent me an article about the lack of research of animal vaginas, and that enticed me to click away on the endless variations on the vagina in the animal kingdom. (Wait a damn minute! Why am I talking about vaginas in a kingdom? Damn the patriarchy.)

Anyway, back to the triple-vagina-ed kangaroo, I suppose it's not surprising to learn an animal that carries its young in a pouch with a nipple on the back wall might also possess more vaginas than the rest of the animal world. When I read that I felt a little sad though. Who needs 3 vaginas? One is definitely enough, and even 3 is one or two too many for a standard 3-way. But let's talk clitorises! Three clits would be something to talk about! That would be a recipe for simultaneous orgasms.

I digress ...

OK, so the trifecta of vaginas isn't sexy at all. One carries the sperm in, the other carries the joey out, and the third joins everything up there with the outside world. Fuck it. Here's the photo I stole from the article. See? Not sexy.

(Screenshot from Inside Nature's Giants, an animal autopsy documentary)
Kangaroos aren't the only animals with unusual -- compared to human -- vaginas. Ducks apparently coined the word "screw" because of their weird, yet compatible, yet not compatible, coiled penises and opposing vaginas. It's a kinky example of evolution screwing the male ducks -- who apparently rape the poor female ducks, although how do we know for sure? Did the female duck file a police report? Anyway, the male duck's penis has a clockwise twist and the lady duck's vagina has a counterclockwise twist, and if I tell you any more about it, shit will get weird, and this post is no longer about vaginas.

Awww, fuck it. Here's a video of a duck's penis in action. Why not? Not surprisingly, the video only lasts 11 seconds.

And ..... Wow. That was 11 seconds of "I don't know how the fuck they did that." Do people get paid to masturbate ducks? You know, my grandmother was a nurse, and she always said all penises look alike. Apparently in all her years on the farm, she never witnessed a duck hard -on. 

The authors of the original article, which is lost up there among the exploding duck dicks, researched the amount of research about animal penises versus animal vaginas. Of course, the vaginas lost. It's easy to see why, isn't it?

How many of you women know what your vagina looks like? Not the outer bits, like inner and outer labia. Men, you know what your penis looks like, and you could pick it out of a crowd, right? We're just not easy to study, whether we're human women or women of another species. We're mysterious, private, visually unattainable. Our lovely vaginas hold secrets (and if you've been reading along this week, other things too). And I still have questions, like do duck vaginas smell like nice fresh trout?

The articles I linked to up there are fascinating, all junior high humor aside. I learned about cave insects that flip roles -- the female has a penis-like appendage that she pokes into the male's sperm pouch to get some genetic material. The only thing vagina-like about it is the cave they live in.

This post represents the sum total of my experience with animal vaginas except for a golden retriever I once owned who experienced a difficult birth. I've pretty much blocked that experience from my mind though, so I think it's best not to drag it out and examine it.

Do any of you have any inter-species vaginal stories to tell? Surely I'm not the only one. Bueller? .... Bueller? ......

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