Sunday, November 9, 2014

That kid's mom can sure hold her liquor

Just in case you can't believe what you're seeing, this is a photo of a woman stealing a fifth of vodka by stuffing it into her vagina. Someone posted this on Facebook today, so I had to snatch it. I made notes on it all day -- clever, funny, crude notes. And then, when I finally sat down to write about it, I had to go and find the original post. And of course it was on Reddit, so most of the clever, funny, crude things I had noted had already been posted there: hooch cooch, crotch scotch (before I knew it was vodka), boxed wine, va-gin-a. I was going to say this is not what people mean when they talk about a pocket pussy, which I didn't see in the comments, but there are so many of them there. Feel free to scroll through and get a few laughs. (I also found a color photo, but I don't want to post it here. Click the link if your stomach feels strong.)

As funny and disgusting as this photo is, I can't help but feel sorry for that little boy, who probably thinks his mommy's (or grandma's. it's hard to tell) purse is between her legs. Most of us never saw the working parts of our mothers' vaginas once we left it and took our first breaths. He's seen the miracle of the disappearing bottle up close and personal from his short-person vantage. And who knows what else he's seen go up in there? Maybe she's got a vagina like Mary Poppins' carpet bag. (Oh, yes, I did intend that pun. Do you get it?)

I do know the only thing that will save him. He's got to become a writer. Nothing else -- no foster care, no therapy, no visits from social workers -- will save him like becoming a writer and telling his stories would. I wish he lived near me instead of in Florida. I'd find a way to get him into the creative writing program in the magnet school where I teach.

I've written before about alternative uses for vaginas: catching fish, gun holstering, lifting weights, poisoning a lover. And I've tried to imagine other alternative uses for the vagina, because it seems like it could be useful when it's not busy holding a penis or a tampon. Long as I've owned a vagina though, stealing a fifth of vodka with it never once crossed my mind. Now that I think about it, if a woman could fit a fifth of vodka up there (brrrr), I suppose it's not too far fetched that she might have stolen her son some school supplies or a pair of Nikes or a quart of milk and some Twinkies* for breakfast. Assuming someone who would do this in front of a young child bothers to give him breakfast.

Any jokes I might make about the vagina vodka are overshadowed by that kid standing there watching so intently. I have no doubt this child has seen shit none of us can imagine, nor would we want to.

All I can hope is that he finds a way to tell his stories that will help him put it all into perspective. Maybe he'll join the ranks of memoir writers like Jeanette Wall, Augustin Burroughs, Mary Karr, and David Sedaris. People do grow up and recover from parents who do stupid, ugly shit. He escaped from her vagina once. Let's hope he does it again.

* That's totally an inside joke for any of my family who is reading, because my niece used to call her vagina her "twinkie," and there's this story from when she was three .... well, maybe another time.

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