Saturday, August 4, 2012

Dear People of the Bike Path

The one particular segment of the bike path that I ride most frequently is also the segment where I see by far the rudest and most unusual behavior. In fact, I've come to think of it as the Walmart of the bike path and the people on it as the People of the Bike Path.

Sunday nights are the worst time for running into the People of the Bike Path -- and I'm afraid I'm going to mean that literally someday. Last Sunday as I rode along, I realized I writing a letter in my head to the People of the Bike Path I met just that night. It went something like this.

 Dear People of the Bike Path (insert this phrase before each bullet):

  •  Blowing up a boat in the middle of the bike path is stupid. Why? Because it's unnecessary. There's an entire fucking field of grass on both sides of the path. You can blow it up there. Or you can do it down by the actual river. The middle of the bike path though? No. And don't yell "hi" to me as I hit my brakes and slowly roll by and then, with your cigarette hanging from your bottom lip, ask your buddy, "What's wrong with her?" when I don't answer. Fuck you and your boat. You belong on the river, not on the bike path.
  • That 12-foot penis and balls you drew on the bike path with chalk was neither original nor true to size. You have a small penis or you wouldn't have to draw a large one on the path. Also, next time use darker chalk so I can get a good photo of it for my blog. The pastels colors you used kind of make you look like a sissy.
  •  If you and your children walk 7 abreast across the path and I come around a curve going 15 mph, I might run you over like a line of BoBo dolls. I'm not that worried about you. Bo Bo dolls are meant to bounce back up and they're not the smartest toy in the nursery. I'm worried about wrecking my bike and hurting both it and myself. I doubt you could afford to pay for the damages.
  • Florescent yellow Lycra is not meant to stretch that far. When that shit snaps back, somebody is going to get hurt. You could put an eye out.
  • No text message is so important that you have to put your giant backpack in the dead center of the path and then pace in circles around it punching the keys on your phone. You aren't that important in anybody's life. And you're a fucking idiot.
  • Put your pitbull on a leash. Dogs like to chase moving objects. I am a moving object. I'm sure there's a corollary there somewhere. You may feel safe with your dog walking 10 feet ahead of you, but I sure as hell don't. I hope your dog rolls on that dead cat that gagged me with its ripe odor just ahead of you.
  • Riding with no hands while smoking a big, fat cigar makes you look like an asshole. That smirk on your face leaves no room for argument.
  • Your lawn chairs and coolers go on the bank of the river, not on the bike path. I would kick them over as I ride by, but I understand Newton's third law of physics.
  • If you are responsible for this
and this,

then I'm glad to share the path with you. In fact, I kinda love you. I don't know how happy other people are about your artwork, but this doesn't seem to be a geographic area where people give a shit about other people.
  • Finally, there are a lot of Canada geese along the river and they poop. A lot. I hope you step in it.

Someone who actually rides a bicycle on the bike path


  1. Your bike path sounds a whole lot like the path around the lake here! There are more walkers than bikers, so I don't really know whose path it is. BUT, I love the idea of writing all the things you think as you pass by people! When temps drop back down into double digits (plus a little more), I'll return to walk the path and share with you how folks are down here! ha!

    1. I'm looking forward to reading about it, Sue. The bike path was built on old railroad tracks for cyclists. Sometimes it's hard to tell though. Last week A Man Called Horse and I avoided several miles of teen joggers who seemed to think it was a track. I'm careful around them. Last year one of the high school runners ran into a friend's daughter on her bike. Wrecked her bike and gave her a concussion and several other injuries. His coach simply said he wasn't surprised.

  2. Oh, and I really thought that title said "Dead" people on the Bike Path. I guess with the cool skeleton picture, I had the power of suggestion! :)

  3. Such a fun post. I love how you made your points very clear. I could write one about the drivers on the road doing some of these same things. Very selfish and dangerous behaviors. You have a great humorous way of writing. (I hope they step in it too...)

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Winnie. Now that you reminded, these probably are the very same people who incite my road rage. Dumb is dumb no matter where you go.

  4. The pedestrians who meander/walk smack down the middle without room to pass on either side with earphones in so they can't hear you approach from behind (or the bell or the verbal warning) are the ones I'd like to tell off. And the rollerbladers. Not that I have anything against them per se, but they more often than not have headphones in, and their stride takes up the ENTIRE path, and they're almost impossible to pass, even though they're not going that fast. Oh the trials and tribulations of bike commuting!

    1. So do you work for Montague Bikes, Jess? Just asking since you slipped that little spam in. A Man Called Horse and I saw someone riding a folding bike the other night and it looked pretty small and flimsy. I guess they serve their purpose for people who can't put a bike rack on their car though?