No vaginas here

Sometimes I write about vaginas and sometimes I don't write about vaginas, but tonight I'm going to write about no vaginas. And I warn you, I'm going to share some photos of no vaginas so be prepared.

Jane Pain is a Spanish lingerie, swimsuit, and accessory company, and the photos below, taken by photographer Natasha Ygel, are part of some fucked up ad campaign which I assume is supposed to sell lingerie. That would be silky, sexy garments that women (and some men) wear so they can look sexy, seductive, naughty.

And just to be clear, the root of the word "sexy" is "sex." And one of the great benefits of lingerie is that, lurking underneath it, you might expect to find, among other things, a vagina. Nothing wrong with that, right? Wrong.

Evidently one lingerie company would like to us to pretend vaginas don't exist, at least not on their models, not in their ads. Ads they even won an award for, although the award was won in Argentina so who gives a shit anyway.

Dying to see the ads? (Please. You already peeked ahead as soon as you saw the words vagina and photo together, and we both know it.)

I'm still going to warn you. These are, although they don't appear to be at first glance, perfectly safe for work. No nasty vaginas here. No sir. Not a one.

Apparently a little butt crack and some taint is OK. It's the vagina that had to go.

You're looking at the lingerie, right?

You're ready to buy some lingerie by now, aren't you? Quick, what's the name of the company? No peeking above.

The slogan for this ad campaign is "What you can't see is all you want to see." Clever? Or just offensive to all vagina-bearing women everywhere? If the vagina is all you want to see, why do women wear lingerie at all?

So who thinks of this shit anyway? Can you imagine the meetings at the second-rate ad agency that came up with this example of female mutilation?

Bill: "Hey, I know. Let's take typically provocative photos of almost naked models showing their pussies, and then let's make them look like ... you know .... Barbies down there."
Stan: "Great idea, Bill. Women will love it! We'll show only their best parts."
Roger: "Love the idea. Nobody wants to look at those things anyway, am I right? Am I right? Looking down there makes me shudder."
Bill: "Right! Tits and ass, man. Tits and ass. Love the pussy, but I don't want to have to see it. We'll just show tits and ass."

Maybe if this looked like anything other than a rudimentary Photoshop 101 project it could be considered impressive for its shock value. But no. I can't even imagine what audience they thought they might appeal to with this crap.

All these ads do is remind me how very difficult it was to act out all those childish rape fantasies on the desert island between Barbie and Ken, because she didn't have slot A and he didn't have tab B. It was dissatisfying at best, although we just kept doing it -- banging their smooth plastic parts together. GI Joe wasn't any better in the tab department, but at least his knees bent.

What do you think? Clever, eye-catching ad campaign? Or Jesus, Reticula, now I feel like poking out my mind's eye?

I think you know my opinion. I'd rather write about vaginas. And please don't buy me whatever this is for Christmas. I'd rather have the hairy panties.