Panties

Update: Several people sent me messages and asked what happened to last night's post. Earlier today I sent it back to my muse Dolores as a draft. One of the problems with writing daily is that I rarely get a chance to let a post sit for a few days and mature. Last night's post was one that needed a little more time. My daughter Elvira called me this morning and said it didn't really represent who I am very well, and then she threatened to hide Coraline's poopy diapers all over my house if I didn't agree. I'd share the conversation and might later, but on the Facebook page for Reticulated Writer I promised vaginas, not more navel.

And yet Dolores wasn't interested in vaginas. She was interested in what we put over vaginas. She wanted to write about panties. And so, in no particular order, I offer a collection of panties you may not have seen before. These aren't your mother's white cotton briefs.

Camelflage

An insert, which is meant to hide a woman's camel toe and wick perspiration away from the lady bits, is sewn into the work area of these panties. I guess it's something like a little fabric board or something that prevents the seam of the garment from cuddling up with a woman's inner labia. How do you think they wrote that on the patent application?

I know you'd like to see the panties themselves, but this is not a porn blog yet, and I really love before-and-after photos. See if you can tell which is which.

Why, yes, I did notice the difference in how these two photos were posed and lit. Interesting....

Well, what do you think? Number one or number two?

Hairy Panties

I'm not sure what purpose these panties serve. Maybe they're an accessory for the forward-thinking woman who knows the fashions of the 70's always come back and doesn't want to get caught with a Brazilian wax when they do.

Or maybe they're meant to be lingerie a woman can put on to get out of sex when she's used the headache excuse 5 times already and it's only Tuesday.

Or maybe we should imagine a middle-aged man lying in bed, a penis-size tent rising up under the covers. His lover struts out of the bathroom and stops with her hand against the door jam. She's wearing nothing but the Hairy Panties, and she says, "Remember when my cookie monster didn't look like Barbie's, in the days before waxing and Camelflage? I thought maybe you'd like a little nostalgia sex......"

Not a redhead.

What do you think? If you received a pair of these for Christmas, when would you wear them and why would you? Don't be shy now. We're all friends.

Thingthong

Men have underwear needs too, which is why I'm including a selection for the penile crowd. The thingthong (if you're a gay man and you're offended by the lisping quality of this product, just know that I neither named nor invented it) is a pair of flip flops that turn into a thong. On those occasions when ..... ummmmm ..... you know, a rabid dog tears your pants off and all you have left to cover your dick while you run is one of your shoes.

Or let's say you're taking a shower at your married girlfriend's house, wearing your flip flops as you would in any strange shower because you never know where athlete's foot is lurking, and her husband comes home. There's a window in the bathroom, but your clothes are in the bedroom. If your flip flops were thingthongs, you'd be able to hop away on one clad foot and hide your shrinking ding dong at the same time. The neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing .... thong.

The urge to snap that thingthong would be irresistible.

 
That's all the panties we have time for tonight, boys and girls. I hope you found something you liked.

(Just a reminder that this blog is not monetized. I received no compensation for writing about these products, although if someone were to send me a check, I would cash it in the morning.)