Sunday, August 12, 2012

Fill 'er up

I hope you don't mind, but I found what I want you to get me for Christmas.* And the reason I bring it up in August is because you might want to save up for it. But it will be so worth it to me. And I promise I'll share with you at parties.

Oh, you don't know what you're getting me yet. Sorry. How rude. Here it is.


It's called a Glass Tank. Which is, I suppose, clever if your first language isn't English. I was pretty excited when I saw it. It's like a perpetual dog-watering dish for wine. No more lapping.

And it kind of has the same shape as a rabbit vibrator, so it's sexy. I mean if you think rabbit vibrators are sexy. Not that the wine vibrates, because what would be the use of that? It just has that shape.

I really do want one of these ... at least theoretically I do. I just don't want one enough to pay for it myself.

The first reason is obvious. It costs $419.00. No, I didn't misplace the decimal point. In spite of all those rumors about English teachers, some of us are also good at math. It's a little out of my price range for one wine glass, and I predict I'll never see one at Good Will .... although I was surprised when I realized you can buy lingerie there. (Oh, come on. You were too.) But it's not too much for a gift. I mean a gift someone gives me. I'm worth it.

And then there's that weird angle. I'm not sure how that would work. It seems like the top of the glass would hit me on the bridge of my nose, which sounds painful. That shape might work for concurrent vaginal/clitoral contact, and might even touch on the elusive G-spot, but it doesn't look like a great angle for drinking. In fact, it looks like if I tip it far enough to drink from the glass, the wine might spill out of the top, and I definitely don't want red wine spilling onto my face. People might think I'm drunk before I ever really get a chance to get drunk.

But I still really really really want one.

And yet, I have one more tiny beef with this glass, and that's the size. If it holds enough to get me through a long dinner or an evening catching up with Breaking Bad on my DVR, it must hold close to a bottle of wine. Ideally, that is. So I wonder if I'd have to hold it with both hands ..... and that just doesn't seem very elegant.

In fact, a cheaper solution would probably be to buy a dog dish at Walmart just drink straight from the bottle. I could then throw it straight into the recycle bin and not have a glass to wash at all.

Hmmmm. That gives me an idea. How about if all of you buy me a bottle of wine for Christmas and none of you buy me this glass tank! And then we'll have a party and I'll provide the wine. What a perfect idea!

Whew. I can go to bed happy now knowing your Christmas shopping is done -- well, the important part -- and I'm going to get what I want for Christmas. Win/win!

(Just so you know: I prefer white wine. Thank you.)

* While I would be more than willing to take money for doing almost anything, up to and including product reviews, I have not been paid or in any way compensated for writing about this wine carafe/glass. If I had been, I'd probably be fired for comparing it to both a sex toy and a dog dish.


  1. Good choice. $419 buys a lot of really good wine.

    1. Right? And probably some good bread and cheese to go with it.