Monday, November 26, 2012

November 26: Is that your vulva on a chain?

Do you know what time it is, boys and girls?

That's right! It's vagina time!

From time to time a reader will post a lovely vulvular offering on my personal Facebook wall, and I simply have to share it. Vulvas should not be hidden, but should be let to flap in the breeze .... or at least worn as pendants. No secrets here, boys and girls. No secrets!

Well, then. That leaves nothing to the imagination. The backstory is there in the article. This artist suffered a late-term abortion at age 14. Later when she saw a performance of The Vagina Monologues, she had an angry epiphany and eventually started making customized vulva sculpture pendants.

That's right, ladies. You send in photos of your lady parts and you get back a polymer clay pendant that looks just like your pleasure flower.

Let me state for the record that I'm not mocking this woman's story or her product. I'm the biggest fan in the world of the vagina (except maybe for my friend Karen), but I really don't get this one.

My first acting gig was in a production of The Vagina Monologues. I was kind of the MC of our production; I performed a monologue about shaving the vagina area; and ..... no surprise here ..... I had a rousing orgasm on stage. (Just practice for winning the best O title at our local Rocky Horror Picture Show performance.)

Trumpet lily
Vagina pin
We also made vaginas from polymer clay. Ours were pins, but the intention was the same. It took a lot of experimenting and laughter before we came up with a design that both represented the holy vag and was wearable in public. We made them in a bunch of colors, all unique. But the design was similar to a trumpet lily.

Not to brag or anything, but I think our design is one a woman could actually wear in public. Maybe I've just got a big, old stick up my ass, but an actual replica of my vagina is not something I'm going to wear around my neck. As I told my friend who shared this with me, the last time I wore a vagina around my neck was the day I was born. And from then on, the only place I've worn a vagina is between my legs.

And as I always do, I have to consider how I would view the same idea if a man did it. Would I date a man who wore a custom sculpture of his dick on a chain around his neck? The answer is no. No, no, no.

I mean can you imagine that conversation? You meet at a nice wine bar. You sink into a soft couch with a 5-ounce pour of buttery Chardonnay, glance over at your date and see what looks strangely like a little woody hanging from a chain around his neck.

You surrepticiously look closer. OMG, you think. Because we all think in internet shorthand these days, right? OMG, is that a tiny penis hanging around his neck? WTF? Is it his penis or a replica of his favorite porn star? Is it big or is it small? I've got no context here. Dear god, please tell me it's not life-size. Should I ask about it? Is it OK to talk about a man's penis pendant on the first date? Argh! Dan Savage, where are you when I need you?

Yeah, and I can only imagine what would go through a man's head if a woman showed up wearing a vulva pendant.

Is that her pussy on a chain? I wonder if she'll let me touch it. Eh, who cares? I wonder how I can get her to touch my dick.

I suppose it could be a useful teaching prop -- for the man who's heard the word clitoris, but thought it wasn't a real thing -- but that's not the purpose of these pendants.

Seriously, the designer makes them because she believes and her customers believe they provide healing from sexual trauma. I'm not mocking that. Maybe they do for some women, and whatever it takes, sister, go for it. Only women bleed. It wouldn't work for me, but maybe there's some kind of power there for other women.

Hey, I've got sexual wounds too. I wouldn't write about them here, but I've got them. I just don't think sending photos of my lady parts to a stranger and paying her to make me a clone of them would do a damn thing to touch that pain. I don't find it offensive. I just don't get it.

And I am a big fan of the vagina. If you've read anything else on this here blog you know I am a fan of the vagina.

Pure Romance: Life Saver vibe
Maybe I'm just not ballsy enough to wear my vagina on my sweater. I went to a sex toy party once and I bought a little bullet vibe on a chain. It was cheap and I felt like I should buy something.

I told Trick Shot I was going to wear it to karaoke, and she'd be the only one who knew I was wearing a vibrator. And then we'd go to the bathroom together and laugh.

I didn't end up wearing it. I dressed in a sexy, low-cut sweater and put on my buzzy (and waterproof!) little piece of jewelry, and guess what! It looked like I had a vibrating dildo around my neck.

Much as I like attention, that was just a little too obvious.

I'm pretty sure if I can't wear a bullet around my neck, I'm not going to be wearing my vagina any time soon.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! If you want to wear your vagina around your neck, by all means, wear it. I just prefer to keep mine private.

Seriously, I can imagine doing a workshop where women made sculptures of their own lady parts as part of a guided healing ritual. It makes sense to me that women could reclaim those parts of their bodies as the beautiful, juicy pleasure centers they are. Hellz yeah! But I don't need somebody else to get her fingers in there and make it for me.

Maybe I'm being too judgmental though. Tell me. What do you think? Would you find one of these empowering? Talk to me!


  1. Ha ha! Great post - glad to have found it in the Soup. :)

    A few thoughts: I think a couple of those vulva pendants DO resemble trumpet lilies or jack-in-the-pulpit or whatever, and would be mistaken for such. (A couple others just look like vulvas.)

    I don't think I would wear one, but if I saw one, I would think it considerably less tacky than a mini-dick on a chain... and I can't explain why that is.

    If I'd seen that little vibrator around your neck, I would have actually assumed it was cremation jewelry, full of encapsulated ashes. But that's just me.

    Favourite line: "the last time I wore a vagina around my neck was the day I was born". HA! Awesome.

    1. I never thought of cremation jewelry. That bullet could look like that though.

      For some reason the penis pendant sounds worse to me too. Probably because the reason for doing it wouldn't be reclaiming the part of the body after sexual trauma. But I'd be uncomfortable looking at someone's vulva replica too. I wouldn't be able to look her in the eyes.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  2. OMG I'm cracking up. I would never wear a vulva around my neck, nor would I be able to contain myself if I saw a man with his dick around his neck!

    That would definitely be a point and laugh moment for me.

    I'm not really getting the healing part of it. I love my vagina, but I really do not need mine sculpted for me. Then again, it is the holiday season right now. Wonder if the husband wants one.

    Or I guess they could be passed around with directions for guys who need direction... lol

    1. Let me know what your husband thinks about getting a life-like copy of your lady bits for Christmas when he really wants a power drill. ;-)