Friday, November 2, 2012

Ovembernay 2: Etslay alktay boutay aginasvay

Every 15 minutes or so few days I take a look at my blog stats just to see how it's trending in its own little reticulated world. I can see all kinds of shit about you guys that really means nothing: operating system, browser, country, city, frequency of visits, time spent on each page, boxers or briefs .... But don't worry. None of it is personal. In other words, I can't tell who is reading, only how many readers use Windows or live in Russia. It's just a collection of mostly uninteresting data.

Mostly uninteresting. What I do find interesting is the keywords people use to find my blog.

I've been told I write about vaginas a lot. And sex. And vaginas. I suppose that's true, but not any more than I talk about those topics when I'm not writing. Ever since I figured out there was such a thing as sex -- I think I was about 6 when I started eavesdropping on my parents and then repeating my dad's dirty jokes to my friends -- I've been talking and writing about it.

But it's not like this is a sex blog. I write about unusual gadgets and practices, but I don't write porn here. I don't even give advice about sex here, because from what I can tell the people who need it won't take it and the people who don't are too busy getting laid to read this blog. You know who you are.

Anyway, although this isn't a sex blog, you wouldn't know it from the keyword searches that bring people here. Are you curious about the company you're keeping even right now as you read? Oh, I know you fucking are!* 

Here are a few examples, taken randomly over the past couple of days. (I can see keywords for just the past few minutes, a day, a week, or a month. These were random screenshots of the keyword searches during the 10 minutes before I took the shot.)

 The stat counter only shows the top 10 entries at a time. It's not unusual for 7 out of 10 searches to have the word vagina in the search. Some of them are disturbing, as you can see. And some of them kind of make me want to follow the search back to Google (which I can do) to see what the fuck this person was looking for.

Vagina pillow? What the fuck is a vagina pillow? A bag full of feathers a vagina can sleep on? A soft, fluffy vagina that you lay your head on while you read? Instructions for how to make a vagina-shaped pillow? Because if it's the latter, that shit should be on my Pinterest right now.

Just in case this comes up again (stop it. you have such a dirty mind), yes, women like male strippers. The difference is that we don't want to take them home with us unless they can cook a mean lasagna and hang drywall.

There we go again. Avedshay aginavay is at the top of the list. Lots of interest in shaving the lady parts. And the searches for this one: 90% vagina. Go vagina!

That was for the people who've told me I write too much about vaginas. See? There is interest.

Let's see who's number one of the chart this week, boys and girls. That's right! Shaved vagina. It really should be the name of my next band.

And again with that next-to-last one. Why does that one show up so often? Anybody?

The most disturbing one here though is number 3. It's just sad that anybody would be afraid of boobies. I thought everybody loved boobs. I was so sure of that I haven't even written much about boobs. Maybe I should. Seriously, if any of you are afraid of boobs, please email me. I will keep your confidence, but I very much want to know that you've gotten the help you need.

I had to show this one because miracle of all miracles, number 1 has nothing to do with vaginas. Just like some of my posts, believe it or not. In fact shaved you-know-whats fell to number 5.

Number 2 might be anything, but I'm guessing it has something to do with a vagina and a bowl of soup. Kind of like number 9. That's one comfort food you won't find on McDonald's menu.

Last one, I promise. I had to add this one because it's such an odd duck.

Somebody looked 7 times for something about putting a large fruit in a vagina. I am positive I've never written about that. I had never even thought about it until I saw somebody had done this keyword search and then followed it here.

Number 8 is brilliant. If somebody hasn't invented one, I'm going to be really fucking rich after this Christmas. Gentlemen, let's go for one in every stocking.

Note this list has not one search for shaved vaginas. Obviously as winter approaches this topic becomes less appealing.

Finally, I'm glad we are friends too. Who else is as interested in vaginas as I am?

* I've written a list of funny keyword searches here before, but I decided to do screen shots this time so those keywords wouldn't bring more people searching for avedshay ussiespay to this site. (If you don't speak pig Latin, you can probably find an online translator. That's on you.)

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