Once again it's almost midnight and I'm just sitting down to my computer to write. I'm a terrible procrastinator. Terrible. It's probably the thing I dislike most about myself ... even more than my weight. I could have sat down to write earlier today, but I went to church and then raked the yard and then transferred the compost from the bin to a barrel. After that I sat down on the couch with a cup of tea and read the latest Barbara Kingsolver novel until I fell asleep and my book bonked the cat on my lap. Sorry, Gandalf. Obviously I needed a nap. So I took a nap. Then more reading of Kingsolver. Dinner cooked and consumed. Watched Coraline's new favorite show Brainchild with her. Bedtime reading. Watched an episode of the new Sabrina with Elvira until she fell asleep in the chair. And now here I am. Trying to think of something to say that will make somebody want to comment and then come back and read again tomorrow and the next day and the next.
For inspiration, I checked out the NaBloPoMo prompt for the day. "[I]f you could go back & say one thing to your 15 year old self, what would it be & how do you think it might have changed your life now?"
That's an easy one.
Dear Fifteen-Year-Old Reticula,
Stop partying so much and earn the highest grades you can from now on. Insist that someone help you find scholarships to colleges and get yourself a full ride. You have the rest of your life to drink and smoke pot, but you only have 3 years now to get yourself to college on time. (Also, the pot will start giving you panic attacks that will haunt you for years. It's not worth being so cool.) As for that boy you're dating, that relationship has the lifespan of a fruit fly. He just wants to touch your boobs anyway. Don't give him your precious time, and certainly don't give him your virginity. (I didn't.) Go for the full ride because you'll want to live in the dorms, even though you hate the idea. You'll survive. Do not major in psychology or English or education. Start now and maybe the report card for your life won't read "doesn't live up to her potential." Please love yourself enough to do this, because nobody else will do it for you. Don't procrastinate even a minute. Hit the books.
Love,
Future Reticula
That's my one thing. I thought of others, but this is the biggest one. It's the one I can't believe I didn't do. I always wanted to go to college. Insisted I would go to college in spite of my family's apathy. I'm not sure why. Nobody else in my family of origin had even a bachelor's degree, then or now. I just knew I was supposed to go to college. It was my destiny.
It wasn't to spite my parents, although it infuriated me when my dad told me I didn't need to go to college because I'd end up marrying a farm boy from my home town and living there all my life anyway. Fuck that. I did marry a farm boy from a town 40 miles away, but one of our marriage vows was that we'd never go back to the farm. Obviously though, no help with college from my family would be forthcoming. Not just because my dad thought I was trying to be better than everybody else, but because I'm the oldest of five kids. We couldn't afford toilet paper sometimes by the end of the month.
My guidance counselor tried to inspire me to buckle down, but I didn't really understand how the system worked. Maybe I didn't believe I'd ever do it. Fear of failure is the number one cause of failure. Maybe I was just lazy. Maybe I was scared. Or maybe I was just short-sighted. Whatever the reason, I didn't do the work I needed to do in order to get a scholarship to college, and I certainly couldn't afford to pay for it on my own. For being such a smart girl, I was a real dummy.
Anyway, second part of the question. How would it have changed my life? How the hell do I know? So much so I can't imagine that path. Probably I wouldn't have gotten married when I was 18. That's for certain. These kinds of questions are difficult because I wouldn't give up my family for anything, and inherent in the idea of going back in time and doing better is the trade-off that the same people would not be in my life. And that's when I come to a skidding halt.
Would my life have been radically different if I'd earned a full scholarship to a university? Oh. Hell. Yes.
Did I get that college degree anyway? Oh. Hell. Yes. And my almost-2-year-old son sat on my mom's lap at my graduation ceremony. I was 28 years old and I went to colleges in three states, but I did it. And then he was at another graduation ceremony 23 years later when I earned my master's degree. Unfortunately my dad didn't live to attend either -- not that I think he would have.
So that's what I'd say to my 15-year-old self. But if I were to give her advice that wouldn't so radically change her life, I'd tell her to go back and audition for swing choir again. And again if need be. One botched audition should not create decades of performance phobia. That shit's a lot harder to work through as an adult. It gets entrenched. Don't fucking give up. Do it again and do it better.
Oh. That's a good one. Maybe I'll just stick with that advice.
Dear 15-year-old Reticula,
Don't fucking give up. Go after what you want and don't fucking give up. And do it now. Procrastination is your enemy.
Love you,
Mumbledy-mumbledy-year-old Reticula
What would you tell your 15-year-old self? Or was your self already perfect then?
I was, ironically, thinking about my younger self today. What I was thinking, was that I wish I could have found a trusted and wise adult to help me navigate my way into adulthood. My parents were not of much help. I am grateful,like Reticula, that I toughed my way through college with no help from my family. (Sarcasm coming)...My mother told me, when I was way into adulthood, that my father would have helped me if only I had asked him. Wonder why she didn't mention it at the time I could have used the help. And then there was my marriage and divorce. When my mother met my fiance she urged me to come home for a year to think it over. HUH??? Just a few years ago I found an autobiography she had written and discovered how she never really liked my dad although they never divorced. AND, she had had a torrid affair including lots of passionate sex before she married him. Dad was a rebound. I was the virgin bride, partly because I thought that was a family expectation. I can sort of laugh, now, but it took many, many years to understand how crazy my mother was and how much I bought into the craziness.
ReplyDeleteIt's always a shock to learn our parents weren't the perfect models we thought they were. I've certainly dealt with that. And I too wished for an adult who could get through to me (that would be a chore) and guide me gently and firmly. If only ....
DeleteI would have told myself that religion was utter bullshit and that I was being duped. My life would have been WAY different. Oh, and to apply for colleges on the east coast, and that YES....girls can be engineers. Or computer programmers.
ReplyDeleteI was lucky to have been raised in the Methodist church. Not much damage there, I don't think. And certainly not the decades of recovery I've seen some people struggle through.
DeleteYes, girls can be engineers, but in my tech writing for engineers class last year, I had 3 women and 22 men. That seems to be about normal. At least there are more role models now than when I was growing up.
You are a goddess! I love reading your posts! Your life sounds awesome. All of it. Keep writing. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteOh my. I'm blushing. A lot of the time my life feels like a runaway roller coaster, but I am pretty blessed nevertheless. Thank you for reading and for taking this NaBloPoMo journey with me.
DeleteI would tell 15 year old self that I was worthy of the same love and generosity that I showered on my poor choices in boys (and later, men). And to kick them to the curb if they wouldn't/couldn't raise their game to my level.
ReplyDeleteOh hell yes. I could write an entire book about that. Although to be fair, my husband of 30 years, now my ex, did raise his game quite a bit for me. Thirty years was long enough for us to be married though.
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