Day 11: The Vagina Post

Tonight is the night! Yoni Monday is here, so sit right down and let's talk about some things you can do with a vagina. It's hard to believe I've gone 10 days without a single vagina post, isn't it? There's a reason for that. Since I started writing this blog vaginas have become ubiquitous. Not because so  many women have vaginas in their pants, but because so many people are talking about them as if they never were a dirty little secret. It's just not as much fun to talk about vaginas if everybody else is doing it too.

But nevertheless, I have a hearty number of vagina items in my saved files on Facebook. Most of them were sent to me by readers who know I find vaginas fascinating. Or rather, I find the things people do with and about vaginas fascinating. And according to unofficial polls of the blog, so do you.

Here's something I'll bet you didn't know. You can get a special speaker called a Babypod for your vagina so your hoo ha can listen to music or podcasts or ... I don't know. Whale sounds.

OK, fine. That would be ridiculous. Vaginas don't have ears. In my opinion the reasoning behind the Babypod is just as ridiculous though. The premise is that babies can learn to vocalize while in utero if the sound waves come to them through the vagina. I mean, if you want your kid to get into the best schools, you need to start early. Your baby could be born speaking three languages if you start as soon as the fetus has ears.

It also has dual earphones, so Mom and Dad can walk down the street wearing earbuds that dangle out of Mom's vagina. Real family togetherness. I know when I was pregnant I dreamed about putting a speaker up in my vagina and running some wires out of there so I could share sounds coming out of my vagina with LtColEx. Here's a video so you don't have to rely on your imagination.



I don't know about you, but once my kids started talking I could never get them to shut up. I sure as hell didn't want them talking in the womb. Talking underwater isn't really a skill a person needs anyway so why spend $150 for a vag speaker that .... c'mon! Babies aren't going to learn to vocalize just because Mom puts a speaker in her vagina and streams Pandora.

No surprise that idea was brought to us by Gwyneth Paltrow. Here's another.

Vaginal steaming. You do it like this. Put some herbs into hot, steaming water, put on a long, full skirt, sit down over whatever vessel you're using, tent the skirt around the steaming vessel, let that hot steam hit your sensitive lady bits until it cools or until you have blisters on your labia. It's supposed to cure cramps, make your uterus healthier, release toxins, and balance your hormones. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the misogynistic idea that women's bodies, especially "down there," are inherently dirty.

But, hey. What do I know? Why knock it if I haven't tried it -- other than this article about a woman who got second-degree burns from doing it. I'm clenching my thighs just thinking about it.

Nevertheless I thought if I planned to write about it, maybe I should check it out. So I looked up vaginal steaming on Amazon and sure enough. You can get this pink plastic bowl that goes into your toilet for just less than $50. It looks very similar to what we used to call a sitz bath. Hospitals gave them to new moms so they could soak their stitches.

I wasn't going to spend 50 bucks to steam my yoni, so I looked up DIY methods. Turns out you can just set a steaming bowl of herbal water down in your toilet, sit on the toilet, and steam away. I thought about doing it for research purposes, but when I went in the bathroom the cat was drinking out of the toilet and the idea lost its appeal. Again.

I guess I'll be going around with a wrinkled, unfresh vagina so if you see me, please be respectful and don't mention it. Certainly don't ask to see it.

If you've tried vaginal steaming though, please, for the love of Gwyneth Paltrow, tell me about it in the comments.

Our final vagina offering for this post is an ad for a Swedish feminine product company called Libresse. If you like singing vaginas as much as I do, watch this. I promise you'll laugh. I'd let my vagina listen, but I don't have a speaker for that. Sorry, vagina.