Day 24: People stink

I'm trying not to get sick tonight. I got perfume bombed three times in the past three days. Three is often my unlucky number when it comes to the devil perfume. The third time usually awakens my immune system and sets off a red alert. Attack imminent. Flood the sinuses, tickle the throat, inflame the tongue, and shut down the vocal cords! Hard! It sucks being a red-headed canary, because we live in a scent-polluted environment. Perfume is everywhere, and for those of us who are sensitive -- like most redheads -- it can be like trying to navigate poisonous gas clouds. Like I've been doing the past three days.

The first dose hit me at the farmer's market where I work. A former student showed up and I gave him a big hug without doing a sniff test first. Oh, so stupid. He was wearing a strong cologne, and after I hugged him, so was I. For the next four hours. I could barely stand to be in my own clothes. I could barely stand to breathe. That was #1.

Then I went to the bathroom, as one must sometimes. And somebody had sprayed the hell out of some Febreze in there. I don't know why they put that shit in the stalls there .... OK, I do, but I'd rather smell poop-linger than fucking Febreze. I will confess this only here because you won't tell on me. One day I was so frustrated by the heavy, sickening smell of Febreze in there, I hid both cans in the bottom of the big metal trash can. It was replaced the next day.

I tried to hold my breath while I peed, but it had been hours, so I had to take a few breaths. I washed my hands and ran out of there, but of course, I still smelled like cologne from my previous encounter. Now I smelled like cologne and the most fake of fake flowers.

I was still doing OK though. Just the normal post-nasal drip and a sore tongue, which is one of my early warning signs. I suffered through my annual fall allergy/laryngitis attack less than a month ago, so my immune system is trying to take a little vacay.

And then this morning I walked into the small church I've been attending and bam! As soon as I entered the small sanctuary, somebody's perfume hit me in the face. I considered leaving, but I thought maybe I could find a place far enough away from the person to sit comfortably.

I looked around and found two chairs together where Coraline and I could sit. My throat closed up. Fuck me. I was sitting right behind the offender. I got up and moved to the other side of the room as fast as I could. I could still smell it, because once it gets into my nose and mouth, I can smell and taste it long after I've left the area. I thought I could ride it out, even though my tongue was starting to hurt already. I get stubborn sometimes. I was getting a little congested as the service went on, and then we did one of those touchy-feely hugging exercises that liberal churches like to do. I usually love those things, but just as I was about to go back to my chair, the scent offender headed straight toward me. And before I knew it, she was hugging me. No! No no no no no!

Too late. It was on me. I was lucky I had a big scarf around my neck though, and most of the smell got on it. I took it off and buried it under my coat. We left before the post-service talk circle because one, the offender was still there walking around the room. And two, I needed to change my clothes as soon as I could.

By tomorrow morning I'll know if my immune system has decided enough is enough. I might get lucky. Or I might run into enough scented shit when I'm at the grocery store or at one of my jobs or at the library and I might be sick for a couple of weeks. Yeah, it's always at least a couple of weeks. And since this week is my favorite holiday ... well, we'll see.

The winter holidays are the worst time for those of us who are scent sensitive. Houses are closed up. People seem to think they need to wear more heavy perfume. And burn scented candles. I've had to leave parties before because of scented candles. I always feel like a bitch when I ask someone if I can please blow out their candles or I'll have to leave. Often I just take a chance on getting sick if someone is wearing light scent and I really want to be with that person.

And yes, I've been tested. When I had the poke-on-the-back, air-born allergens test, I reacted to everything, including the saline control. Apparently that means I'm not allergic to anything, but I'm sensitive to everything. No help for that. And when I was tested for skin allergens, same thing. I reacted to most of the chemicals (and bees wax and sunflowers and ....), and I had a strong reaction to the tape the dermatologist used to make grids on my back. The glue ate my skin off. This is life in a redheaded body. I can tolerate small amounts of some natural essential oils, but that's about it.

If you take a day to notice how many scented products you use or see other people using in a day, you might be amazed -- unless you're a weirdo like me. Everything is scented, from hand sanitizers to lotions, dish soap to cleaners, hair products to deodorants to douches ... I mean women actually perfume their vaginas! Laundry soap and softeners are the worst. One of my neighbors runs a dryer that vents to the front of their house, and when they're doing laundry, I can't even stay outside because the smell of their fabric softener is so strong.

One of the hundreds of reasons I don't date is because I don't want to have to deal with the cologne or scented deodorant so many men wear. I recently turned down dinner with a guy who started a conversation with me at the grocery store because he was wearing enough cologne I could smell it. It smelled expensive. If I weren't me, it probably might have smelled delicious, sexy even. He was tall, handsome, well dressed, said he had a good job, was shopping in the ritzy grocery store, was proud of being a grandfather. I'll just say it. He had strong potential. But I knew I could get sick if I spent much time around him. (Also, I don't date and cologne is about #583 #15 on the list of why I turn down such opportunities.)

Fortunately I'm not the only weirdo. A lot of people are either sensitive and get sick from scents like I do or they just don't like so many scents because they can overload the lovely natural odors of people and places. Many churches, hospitals, and schools are scent-free zones now. I wish theatres (the kind where plays are performed) were, because people tend to drench themselves before they go to the theatah. I've had to move several times at plays, and I've been miserable more often when I couldn't.

And companies are making more scent-free products. I have a short list my dermatologist gave me. The products are often more expensive, but they don't make me sick. I can't control what other people use, but I can control my own home and body most of the time.

A coda to the story of the church offender: A member of the congregation had to move away from her as well, and she noticed I did too, so she talked to the offender about it. The offender denied wearing any scent even as she stood there with waves of it coming off her. (She lies!)  That doesn't bode well for the next time. I've known people who were adamant about wearing perfumes or colognes no matter how sick their smell made other people, but maybe she'll think twice on Sunday mornings.

If you thought this post was whiny, just wait and see what you get tomorrow night if I wake up sick and can't talk tomorrow. Fingers crossed, please!