Day 19: If we were sharing a bottle of wine again

If we were sharing a bottle of wine, I'd remark that there are differences between the generations that only I notice. For example, one difference between Millenials and Boomers is that Millenials say "motherfucker" a lot. It's almost like they use "motherfucker" as a pronoun -- the antecedent being "all people." Boomers not so much. We broke the ice by saying "fuck," a word many of our parents hated. Well, I hate that other word myself, and I wish my Millenial son wouldn't say it, but if I say something to him you know what I'll get back, don't you? Yeah, I'm not saying that either.

If we were sharing a bottle of wine and sitting in a rocker on my porch, we might hear the wind chimes from one of my neighbors' porches across the street. I would grit my teeth and you would laugh because my hatred of wind chimes is legendary. I should add that to my list of things that scare me. 11. A new neighbor will move in and hang a bunch of fucking wind chimes on her porch. Or will sit outside and watch football games with the volume turned really loud. Because I hate the sound of a football game on TV almost as much as I hate wind chimes. Well, maybe 45% as much. I spent too many years listening to football games all weekend long every fall and winter. It's the sound of family time slipping through the hour glass, never to return again.

The other day I was at my computer working in my office and I kept hearing this man's voice droning on and on. It was loud enough to break my concentration, but not quite loud enough that I could make out the words. I couldn't see anybody out the window, and it didn't sound like anybody else was talking. I live in a double brick house so it's unusual for me to hear talking outside from the back of my house unless my neighbor is on his patio right under the window. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and I went outside to let the dogs poop and seek the source.

My neighbor across the alley was sitting at a table on his patio, all the way across his back yard, listening to a football game with the volume so high I could understand every word from my back yard. I could just see him through a crack in his fence. What the actual fuck? It was 40 degrees out there!

Since then he's been out there for several hours every day listening to a damn football game with the volume turned way up. This morning it was 35 degrees out and that fucking football announcer was droning away.

I will admit to you I have misophonia. I've written about it before when my neighbor was running a bug zapper 24 hours a day. The football games make me want to drive my van through my neighbor's fence and crash into his TV. If we were drinking that bottle of wine, you'd offer to top me off and then you'd change the subject.

If we were sharing a bottle of wine, I would ask you if you've ever heard of injecting semen into yourself to get rid of back pain like this guy in Dublin did. Because honest to god, I've had back surgery and before I let a doctor cut into my back I did every fucking thing I could to cure it myself. Yet I never once considered injecting semen into my arm. It's not really one of those "why didn't I think of that?" solutions.

Apparently he'd been doing it every month for a year and a half! And then this .... ummmm .... bubble of collected semen under his skin got infected. That's not why he went to the ER though. He went to the ER because his back hurt. I can not define irony any better than that!

Apparently his back felt better after he got to the hospital, so he left before the doctors could drain his semen .... from his arm. Oh how I wish I were really saying this to you in person. Drain his semen from his arm!

Don't try this at home, Millenials. 


Oh, yes, I did, motherfuckers! OK that, kids!

Cheers!