Until my son Drake's friend K tried to sign on to my wireless network and couldn't find it. My computers are hooked up to my Ethernet, and I hadn't noticed my phone was using 3-G instead of wireless. I unplugged the modem to reset it. Nothing, although the modem was still sending a signal to my Ethernet. We decided to go out for a while; I figured it would resolve while we were gone, because even though hope is stupid I will carry some dusty scraps of it around for old time's sake.
We still couldn't find the wireless network later when we tried to watch Orange Is the New Black on Netflix, and resetting the modem didn't work the second time. Fuck me. I had to call Time Warner on a Sunday afternoon. I had already spend 20 minutes on the phone with a really slow guy at IKEA because a bookcase came with the wrong hardware. Now I had to run the TWC button-pressing marathon again.
"I just know this is happening because I cancelled my cable. They're spanking me for refusing to keep it," I said.
"That's ridiculous," Drake said. "They wouldn't do that." K shook his head in agreement.
"It might be unlikely, but I would hardly call it ridiculous," I said. "You have to admit the timing is funny."
"You probably bumped something on the modem when you unplugged the DVR."
"No, I didn't. I've checked everything on the modem. Besides why would I get a signal, but no wireless? The modem is fine. They're fucking with me, you guys. I predicted this might happen. They don't want me to watch Netflix. They're trying to lure me back."
Drake shook his head and lay down on the big chair to take a nap.
I finally got through to a real person with only minor carpel tunnel in my index finger. She ascertained that my modem was getting a signal. I could have told her that. I wouldn't have been talking to her on my land line if it hadn't been. She bumped me up to technical support.
The woman in tier one technical support checked my modem, and she too gave the thumbs up to my signal, but couldn't find my wireless. Now I was either 2 for 2 or 0 for 2 depending on whether you give importance to the signal or to the wireless. She bumped me all too easily all the way up to tier three ..... whose name was Tad.
Tad pinged my modem and told me I had a signal. I agreed, and told him my Ethernet would not work if it didn't. He told me I didn't have wireless though. I agreed. He asked me to hold on while he ran some tests ..... Then he said he had to restart my modem. "You'll lose me if you ...," I said, but he was already gone.
He called back. Ooops. He hadn't realized I was on my land line, even though he asked me what number I was calling from as soon as we got on the line. Whatever he did though, it worked. I found my wireless on my phone and signed in ..... for about 5 seconds.
"Your wireless is gone again," he said. Wash, rinse, repeat.
He ran more tests .... They didn't work. Or they worked, but didn't stick.
He did a factory reset .... It didn't work.
"I cancelled my cable TV yesterday," I said. "Do you think that has anything to do with it?"
"No, I can see you made an adjustment to your account, but that wouldn't cause this," he replied. My instincts told me he was lying.
I put my hand over the phone and said to K, "I think he's in on it too." K just rolled his eyes. He's a man of few words. "I'm not crazy," I said. He didn't look at me.
In the meantime, Tad ran still more tests .... or claimed he did. Sometimes my network would pop up for a few seconds, but it always disappeared again. Suspicious.
Every time he shut down my modem and then called me back he said, "Hello, Ms Reticula. This is Tad with Time Warner Cable's technical support team." Every single time he called me back.
Which turned out to be about a dozen times over the course of
Finally he did something and my phone picked up my wireless signal. And kept it. K's laptop found it, and after a few minutes so did mine. The issue seemed to be fixed.
"What was wrong?" I asked Tad.
"Somehow when your cable was turned off, a code was entered that turned off your wireless too."
"So you're saying there was a conspiracy?" I said, checking to make sure K was paying attention. He wasn't.
"Oh, it totally was a conspiracy," he said.
I knew it!
"Really? So I was right? Somebody did it on purpose?" I love being right. I put my hand over the phone and hissed at K, "See? I told you they did it on purpose!"
"Yes, it was me," Tad confided. "I sent secret agents to your house and had them mess up just the wireless in your modem. I did it just so you would have to call and talk to me ..."
"Oh! Really?" Was Tad flirting with me?
".... because I was bored," he finished.
"Well, it worked," I said. Nope, not flirting. Bored. "I've talked to you quite a bit."
"And I'm not bored any more," he said. "Is there anything else I can do for you today? Anything else at all?"
"No, you've done everything I needed you to do. Thank you." I wondered what someone named Tad would look like. I decided to go with Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike. When it doesn't matter, might as well go big and sexy.
Tad encouraged me to answer an automated questionnaire about his service, and I promised to give him all A's. We hung up a final time.
And now, unless secret Time Warner Cable agents have sneaked back into my house and messed with my modem again, my ordeal with TWC is over .... until the next time.
Maybe now I can focus on writing about vaginas.