Consequently, in lieu of my usual brilliant commentary on the state of the vagina, I am going to share recipes for hummus and paleo chocolate. And then I'm going to bed before 3:00 am in the morning for once.
HummusDump into a food processor about 2 cups of chick peas (I cooked a bag of dried chick peas so I could make a shit ton of hummus, but you can just use a can), 3 tablespoons of tahini, 3 tablespoons of olive oil, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, a mushed up clove of garlic, salt and pepper, and enough water to make it all smooth. And if you want your hummus to be even smoother than smooth, you can skin the chick peas. Yeah, I didn't think you'd want to do that either.
Whirrrr it around until it looks like hummus. Scrape it into a bowl. Dress it up with some olive oil and smoked paprika on top. Done.
In a bowl, combine 1 cup of cocoa (I use a mixture of regular and dark), 1/2 cup of melted coconut oil, and 1/3 cup of honey. Spread the mixture on a piece of parchment paper (1/4" thick or so, but you decide), sprinkle on coarse sea salt (if you like your chocolate salted like I do), and put it in the freezer until it gets hard. Cut it up with a butcher knife and store it in the freezer ... if it lasts that long. Don't blame me if you become addicted. If anyone else lives with you, don't share it. Don't even let him or her or them know you made it. You'll thank me later.
On the other hand, this is some sexy chocolate because it has a low melt point. Which means, you can get messy with it. I'm not going to draw you a picture though, because I'm a nice girl. Use only with other consenting adults and report back to me in the morning.