Sunday, March 9, 2014

I'm not licking that

Somebody sent me a link to an article about a new app that got me a little excited. Not for myself so much as for my male friends.

It's an app that teaches men people men how to lick. You know right where my mind went, don't you? Good licking makes for good cookies, I thought. This is brilliant .... and I definitely should have thought of it first. I'd be every woman's new best friend.

I started to make a list of men I've known in the past whom I wanted to share this new technology with. I'm sure any judge would agree this is more important than following those silly restraining orders. I thought I would compose a message that was sensitive and encouraging, not critical or blaming. In fact, I planned to encourage all men to download this app and start lapping their screens immediately. Who can't use more practice? Fuck Words with Friends.

Then I decided to make beating this game a prerequisite for dating a guy. Just in case .... you know. I thought if I ever joined an online dating service, I'd say right up front I wanted proof of proficiency with the licking app. Oh, I had plans for this licking app.

Then I read an interview on Fast Company with the developers, and disappointment set in. "Do we think you'll be a better lover because of it? No," says co-creator Chris Allick. "Do we think it's an interesting approach to human computer interaction and making people think about their sexuality and maybe start a conversation? Totes."

Does that suck a big green weenie? Totes! (That's the one and only time I will ever write "totes." Make a note, Toots.) Really, Chris, who wants to start a fucking conversation? We woman want those tongues wagging without all the talking.

If it won't make men better lovers -- I'm assuming men, because I haven't heard any lesbians complain about lack of attention to detail in their licky licky -- what the fuck good is it? If it won't make men better cookie bakers, why would we want to watch them slobber all over their phones trying to flip a light switch or roll a virtual beach ball around? They could just as easily practice drawing the ABC's with their tongues on the tip of their pinkie fingers.

When I saw the name of this app, I expected to see a cartoon version of the lady bits (I'd say vagina, but somebody will surely correct me ..... again). I expected the player would get points for locating the sweet spot and staying on it long enough to win the game. I expected an explosion of cookies on the screen or at the very least a series of satisfying ah .... ah .... ah ... ah .... AAAAAAHHHHH sounds. Or both!

I must confess, I didn't download the app to taste drive it. I could come up with reasons not to get it, but no good reason I should. For example, google "cell phone poop," and you'll learn that 1 in 6 cell phones have poop dust on them. Anderson Cooper's phone has poop dust on it, for fuck's sake. The creators of the app suggest people use plastic wrap over their screens to avoid contamination, but grilled cheesus that's a lot of work for something I really don't need to practice. And anyway .... ick!

I did click over to the developers' website and saw Club Sexy Time has several other silly apps, like a stare-down app, a pencil-arranging app and a booby trap app. Oh, that last one was tempting, but my time is valuable. Someone might have posted a new meme or a photo of a cat on my Facebook feed. Booby games on my phone appeal to me almost as much as licking my phone does. And since even the developers admitted the licking app would be of no use to pretty much anybody ... I decided fuck it. Which is not the same as lick it.

Once again, a potential good idea goes down .... in flames.


  1. There are some things one just can't learn virtually.

    1. Completely agree! This makes as much sense as learning to ride a bike by pedaling one with your fingers on your phones screen.

    2. True enough, but a little practice wouldn't hurt some people. In fact, anything might be better than the skills they already don't have. (Not that I speak from experience, of course. And please don't ask me to name names.)

    3. Vapor, I love that comparison. Good to see your name come up.