Monday, March 17, 2014

Would you like butter on that?

From time to time readers will send me vaginas suggestions for items they think I'd like to put on my Christmas list things I might want to write about here. One  suggestion, which will go into the growing "things I wish I'd thought to invent + vagina" category, is the vagina toaster (the kind that toasts bread, not vaginas), which is marketed by a company called Burnt Impressions.

Vagina toaster
It makes what I can only imagine is yummy vagina toast. Subtitled "Eye of Sauron's Vulva" toast. That last bit didn't make sense, so I had to have a conversation with myself about it, which led to .... you'll see.

So, which is it? Is it a vagina or the Eye of Sauron's vulva? Because a vagina is found on a woman, but the Eye of Sauron belongs to a man. And an eye doesn't have a vulva, but even if it did, surely only women's eyes would have vulvas. So even though it only kind of vaguely resembles a vagina, it sure as fuck can't be the Eye of Sauron's vulva. It has to either be a vagina or the Eye of Sauron. Not both.

Maybe we're overthinking this? (Yes, I do refer to myself in some convoluted plural first/second person point of view in my head. Queens do that.) It's just a toaster. Who cares what they call it as long as it toasts the bread? It doesn't matter if they made up a stupid subtitle. Just spread the lube butter, maybe drizzle on some honey or spoon on some jam,
and eat the vagina toast.

I wonder if this would be more effective than that tongue-training phone app for teaching men to polish the pearl. We could put the butter on just the right spot and tell  the almost right  guy, "Hey, you could use some practice. Just go to work on that dab of butter there ...." No, the toast would get soggy. That wouldn't work.

Seriously? It's fucking toast .....!

Euww. You don't suppose men would really ....?

No, I don't suppose men would do anything but eat it. It's not like a blow-up doll or a pocket pussy. It's just toast. Toast.

You're right. That wouldn't be very sexy would it? Toast would be scratchy, unless you put lots of butter on it.

Jesus Christ, will you just stop thinking about vagina toast? Find something else to do.

Speaking of Jesus, I wonder if they make a Jesus toaster for all the wanna be saints out there. Oh. That doesn't sound good, does it? A Jesus toaster? Who would want to toast Jesus? I have to look.

Of course you do.

Penis toaster
Oh, my god. You won't believe this! They make a penis toaster too. Wouldn't that be a cute wedding gift? Matching vagina and penis toasters? Who do we know who's getting married? They should have these on their registration.

Why would anybody need 2 toasters?

I guess they wouldn't if they were gay.

We're not getting anybody either a vagina toaster or a penis toaster. Jesus!

Oh, they don't have a Jesus toaster. They're kind of weird about their religious toast. They have the Virgin Mary, Buddha, Ganesha, and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but no Jesus.

That's probably Obama's fault.

No, they have him too.

We're done here. Nothing more can be said about toasters tonight. We're going to bed now.

But I'm hungry for buttered toast now. Aren't you?

Toast is the last thing I want to eat right now. Bed. Let's go. It's after 2:00 am .... again.

You're right. Good night ..... Hey.


Let's put this on our birthday list. It's only 4 months away.

Which one? The vagina or the penis?

The vagina! Who wants penis toast? It just doesn't sound the same. I wonder why that is ....?

Don't start up again. Bed. Now. Good night.

OK. Good night. Sweet vagina toast dreams!

Smiley Face Toaster

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