If you don't want that, I'll take it

The person I can't stop thinking about tonight is a guy named Henry Wolf. Poor guy. For the past couple of years he's been trying to sue BMW and Corbin-Pacific, a motorcycle seat manufacturer, because he rode his new motorcycle for 4 hours and ended up with a 20-month erection. I guess it's hard for me to believe he's trying to stick it to these companies

You want one.

for something most men would celebrate. A perpetual hard-on? That's a good thing, right? Do you know how much money Pfizer makes on Viagra? How is it he thinks he got the shaft?

Seems to me if he had put his problem in his Match.com profile, he might have found a number of women who were willing to fall on that sword -- over and over and over -- to help him deflate his balloon. And yet somehow he felt like he got screwed because his dick got hard and stayed that way. He claimed he couldn't work, suffered emotional damage, could possibly have put somebody's eye out with that thing, and incurred medical expenses. Evidently his lawsuit didn't include any damages for damages, if you know what I mean.

The condition, once the problem boner lasts a mere 4-6 hours, is called priapism. (Google that word, and the top 4 suggestions for a second search word are "treatment," "definition," "pictures," and "in dogs." I won't look if you won't.) Evidently getting an unceasing erection can cause all sorts of problems from turning a guy into a fucking jackhammer who fully satisfies his wife and his girlfriend and the women in his office all in one day blood clots to gangrene to ... well, nothing good cums comes after that. (Women can get priapism too, although I'm not sure how one would tell. I might like to find out though, just for a few months.)

In any case, the judge ruled that Wolf didn't present enough hard evidence. A doctor testified that he did have a perpetual boner that might have been caused by vibrations, but nobody else seems to have been similarly affected by the seat (or their Hitachi wands, for that matter). And seriously? Does anybody have any doubt why he rode that motorcycle for 4 hours the first time out? I suspect he straddled that motorized hand-job until the bike ran out of gas, and he didn't complain until he found out he didn't run out of gas for over a year and a half.

And yet, unless other guys simply aren't complaining about the raging hard-ons this bike allegedly causes -- which seems entirely possible -- he's the only victim to come forward.

That doesn't mean it's not worth a try, guys. If any of my male readers are thinking about getting a mid-life crisis to squeeze between their legs, I recommend that cute cherry-red number above. On your first trip out though, maybe only ride for a few minutes at a time. Otherwise I might be writing about your perpetual divining rod 20 months from now.