Quick! Hide your junk!

I'm sure I was going to write something clever, yet poignant tonight. Heart-wrenching, yet gut-splitting. You know .... the usual shit. But when I came up to my office at 1:00 am to write, my computer crashed. Shut completely down. And when I went back downstairs to use my laptop, it crashed too. And I'm sick from sitting in a noxious cloud of perfume at a play a couple of days ago, so my head is full of snot, which is over-sharing. But there's also the time change, which sucks big camouflaged donkey dicks for those of us who are night owls. So .... tonight you get Camo Condoms.

Available at Amazon

Why don't I have any of these yet? It could be because the vendor, Cheap Adult Center, sells them for $43.86 plus $9.50 for shipping and handling. That's $54.36! You get 48 condoms for that price, but how often would a guy sneak up on his prey lover in the woods? Once? 48 times?

It could also be because there's not a penis in my house to put one on, and they'd make damn expensive water balloons.

But the real reason is .... why the fuck would anybody want camo condoms? The package says, "Don't let them see you coming," which is creepy as creepy gets. Sure I could understand it if it said, "Don't let them see you cumming," but that's not what's going on here.

I also see about a 7-point buck as seen through one eye of a pair of binoculars, and a sexy blonde woman in the other eye. These are the creatures a guy is supposed to hide his dick from .... and then, supposedly, fuck?

First, even if a guy could catch that deer, assuming he wants to get do the deed with it while it's alive (because fucking a dead deer is even creepier than fucking a live deer, if that's possible) .... shit. I lost my train of thought .... Oh, yeah. Even if a guy could catch that deer, there's no way he'd sweet-talk that big guy into buying him a drink and going home to listen to Barry White on his record player. Male deer like to ram-fuck other males with those antlers. They live for it.

The deer-fucking idea is totally implausible. Bambi's daddy don't roll like that.

That leaves the sexy blonde, who would have to be out in the woods to make these condoms effective, because that's what camouflage does. It hides things -- in this case a penis -- in an environment that's the same color: the woods.

So the implication is that our little wood nymph is going to be strolling through the forest taking a basket to Grannie's house when the big, bad wolf surprises her by hiding his dick in a camo condom, tracking her down, and then .... well, at that point the surprise doesn't seem like it would be a happy one.

To be fair to the rapists who came up with this idea I suppose a guy who has a green and brown camouflage comforter or sheets on his bed might be able to hide his penis in one of these, but once she sees the decor, someone who looks like the woman in that binocular eye isn't going to stick around while he sneaks up on her with his camo-cock.

I can't find any scenario for these that isn't creepy as fuck. But like I said, I'm sick -- although not sick enough to find these appealing -- so maybe I missed something. Maybe I have male readers who keep a camo condom in their wallets, ready for that afternoon tryst in the woods. Anybody? I didn't think so.

I'm so glad women don't wear ridiculous genital coverings like camo condoms. Or Tuggies.

I love you, Amazon.